Dear Pron Purchaser, Annoyed
1. I’ll say this one time only: we do not accept returns unless the movie you purchased is defective in some way. This means the movie doesn’t play. This does not mean that the video was not long enough, didn’t feature enough fcuking, didn’t feature enough money shots, featured too many dicks and not enough pussy, featured too many pussies and not enough dicks or any other content-based complaint you may have. You bought it, you wanked to it and now its yours. Forever. kthxbye.
2. If your movie is defective, you have two (2) days to return it with the receipt and original package. This means if you purchase the movie on Monday morning, you have until Wednesday evening to bring it back. This means when you return the movie, you have to have that little piece of paper we give you when we sell you the movie and the cover and box must be intact. It’s possible, but very unlikely, that we didn’t give you a receipt. It’s impossible that you didn’t get the packaging. That’s just ridiculous. Oh, and if you return a movie, I will put the movie in our DVD player to make sure it doesn’t work. Yes, that’s right. I’m college educated and I get to check pron for defects at work. My parents sure are proud.
3. Seriously, who purchases pron anymore? Have you ever heard of the internet? Well, in case you haven’t, it’s a magical series of tubes that gives you access to a plethora of pronography you cannot even imagine. Pronography beyond your wildest dreams! And, better yet, it’s free!
4. Seriously, who rents pron anymore? Please see #3.
5. Why are you so fcuking picky about your pronography? I really don’t understand. It’s a movie. With people fcuking each other. A lot. The movies are separated into broad genres in our movie section for your convenience. You can find run of the mill people fcuking each other a lot movies, movies with only black people fcuking each other a lot, interracial groupings fcuking each other a lot, only men fcuking each other a lot, only women fcuking each other a lot, people fcuking each other a lot and doing kinky shiet at the same time, and so on. It’s pretty basic and usually, the titles describe what is going to happen in the movie pretty well. “Big Black Poles in White Holes,” for instance, says a lot about what the movie will be about. So do titles like “Giant Goo Covered Jugs,” “Girls Kissing Girls,” “Anal Addiction,” “Big Wet Bootyes,” “Enema Queens,” and “Hairy Cooter Bonanza.” Usually, you don’t have to think a lot about what a movie is about (other than fcuking, of course) – pronography isn’t known for being demure.
6. I have not seen every movie in our collection so I can’t tell you whether “Giant Greeze Covered Bootyes” is better than “Big Wet Booty Poppin’ Booty.” To be honest, I don’t even like pronography. Even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you about my pronography watching habits. Please use your own discretion in determining which movie is right for you.
7. I can help you find movies by title, studio or star. If you don’t have a specific title, studio or star you are looking for, please limit your question asking. We have thousands of movies and I’m not going to look through them to help you find a movie featuring double penetration, strap ons, interracial couplings, and hairy women covered in oil wearing rubber. Take your specific fetishes to the internet. Please see #3 and 4.
8. Some of you rent or purchase multiple movies every day or so. Do you have a job? Do you do anything except watch pron? How have you not masturbated yourself retarded at this point? Seriously…calm down a little bit and, for the love of God, save yourself some money and get a computer and internet access.
Thanks and have a nice day,
Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk