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What Is A Guido?

December 8, 2009 | 5 Comments » | Topics: Douchebagery

what is a guido

Guido [gwee-doh; It. gwee-daw] – noun

The Guido is an entirely American phenomena, with its epicenter in the New York/ New Jersey metropolitan area. Although most of its examples are of Italian-American descent, manytimes other non-descript Caucasians will follow suit in an attempt to achieve an identity- in fact any identity. The Guido is highly recognizable by his attention to muscular development, status symbols, and regional dialect. They fall sorrily short when attempting to emulate the sophistication of European-born men. In fact, their shortcomings include a tendency toward alcoholism, legal problems (usually related to assault, reckless driving, noise violations), and an inability to compete in legimate business. Fortunately for them, they usually live an exciting, care-free existance. They are easily satiated by tacky mall attire, drunken nights with similar-minded women, and nightclubbing in the lesser desired beach towns such as Seaside Heights, New Jersey. In the end, although they maintain a unique sense of identity and pride, their superficial lives often leave them empty. The tolls of excessive grooming products, STDs, and alcohol abuse age these specimens quite poorly. The time spent in fitness clubs is usually far offset by their lifestyle choices.

WARDROBE: tight zipper shirts, tracksuits, designer jeans, fuzzy kangol hats, tiny hoop earrings, fake gold chains, and related Euro-trash garb and tacky cheese-wear.

NATURAL HABITAT: Known to frequent Tri-State area malls looking for club gear to waste their week’s pay on (most likely spotted shopping at “Bang Bang” in Staten Island). During the day when not at their food delivery, telemarketting, or construction job, can be located at their local gym tanning or lifting weights. Can be found nightly at mainstream danceclubs they read about online (SF, Webster Hall, Etc.). Most notable for cruising the Jersey shore in an old car (Honda, Mustang, etc.) which has been tinted, painted and sports $1,000-$3,000 rims in a feeble attempt to look like new. Guido cars usually have a boomin’ system through which cheesy music like freestyle, commercial club/trance and hip-hop (anything KTU plays) is loudly blasted.

GENETIC LINKS: Directly related to modern day urban-guidos, A.K.A. “wiggers,” A.K.A. “wegros;” urban-guidos are white males who once exhibited the traits referenced above, but have now instead opted to keep it unreal, with wardrobes consisting of clothes from labels like FUBU and Rocawear which they bought on sale at Macy’s. These individuals still listen to the same music and drive the same type of car as their predece…


Although he spends all his time in the gym and dancing in the clubs, that Guido will soon be a burned out alcoholic working a thankless job, living alone in his one-bedroom apartment in North Jersey

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  • !!Impressive!!


    If you caught in wrong job these pictures best suited you

  • anon

    You got the genetic links all wrong..

  • LMRuiz

    So on the money! My hometown was infested with guidos and the even more annoying guidette! The name of the town Lodi which stands for : L-land O-of D-Dirty I- Italians! Not to be confused with Italian – Americans. In many upper middle class towns in New Jersey they have rich parents where the mother is way too attentive to her baby boy and a father who is usually absent due to his Mob wanna be life style and his goo-maad (piece of ass on the side) which although he is an extreme racist is many times an African American or Hispanic woman (or man). Their parents buy them mid-price to expensive cars (in the late 80’s to early 90’s it was the Mustang, Camaro or I-Roc which stands for I.Italian R.retarts O.out C.cruisin) which they total and then cry ,biatch and moan until mommy and daddy buy them a new one. They are superficial to an extreme any other human could never understand and racist against all other ethnic groups. Their grammar is atrocious as is their taste in clothing and hairstyles. When the guido does not agree with what you are saying do not expect a deep conversation with exchanges of ideas and educated facts be prepared for screaming foot stomping and door slamming, will never be able to have the last word let alone any part of the conversation. Most other Italian Americans and hard working Italian families distance themselves from this group not wanting others to confuse them with Guidos and Guidettes!