Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.
Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun, formation or motorcycles.
Shopping is something we will never enjoy.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.