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I AM METH

Are You a Real Man or Just a “Nice Guy”?

May 1, 2012 | 17 Comments » | Topics: Dating

don draper

by Nick Notas

For the first 20 years of my life, my relationships fell into a similar pattern. I’d start dating a girl, we’d be amazing together, and next thing you know, I’m single again.

When I entered a long-term relationship during college, I thought she was the one. Two years later she broke it off and I spent months pissed off about how it was all her fault.

What kind of person would leave a man who treated her so well? Who would be so heartless to throw two years away just like that? I was so good to her and this is what I get in return?

I eventually found the book No More Mr. Nice Guyand realized I had been lying to myself for years. I was anything but nice in my relationships. I was emotionally manipulative, insecure, and a downright asshole.

The truth is that most “nice guys” don’t think they’re doing anything wrong. For years they struggle to attract women and when they finally date one, they end up losing her down the line. They either keep following this path of frustration or do a 180° and try to become a douchebag to have success with women.

I’m here to tell you that the opposite of the “nice guy” is not a jerk, far from it. Jerks have short-term success and are miserable in life. I want to show you how to be the best kind of man you can be: a true gentleman.

Read the contrasting lists below and see where you fall. Try to be as honest with yourself as possible. Understand that mostly everyone will have a mix and nothing is absolute. But, it’s a good reference to see what you can work on.

Note: I stumbled upon this brilliant picture which inspired me to write my own, updated version of this. I cut out some stuff I disagreed with, added important points, and elaborated on others. If you know the original author, please contact me and I will gladly give full credit.

The “Nice Guy”:

  1. Has low self-esteem, doesn’t value himself highly. Might be out of past failures or other deep-rooted emotional issues.
  2. Constantly seeks approval, validation, or attention from others, usually out of a low self-worth. Cares what everyone else thinks of him, fears disapproval.
  3. Insecure with himself, doesn’t feel that a high quality person (women especially) should like him. He is constantly afraid of abandonment.
  4. Exhibits controlling, possessive, jealous, domineering, clingy, or suffocating behavior. Over-texts, over-calls, needs to be with that person 24/7. Makes people feel guilty when they enjoy time without him.
  5. Idealizes potential mates and overlooks their flaws aka “puts them on a pedestal”. Does the same with relationships and devotes large amounts of emotion, time, energy, and money early on.
  6. Doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. Never admits fault and wrongly blames others.
  7. Claims he’s victimized, attributes his own flaws and shortcomings to external circumstances and/or other people.
  8. Kisses-up and is totally agreeable to try and “score points” with people, especially women. Will never disagree for fear of upsetting her. Places his needs last and tries to satisfy everyone else before him.
  9. Never leads, is submissive, and always wants to make sure everything he does is okay with her. Overly apologetic and says sorry when there’s nothing to apologize for.
  10. Doesn’t draw boundaries, gives women whatever they want in return for love, sex, or approval. Accepts second-class behavior for the possible reward of the aforementioned. Doesn’t say “no” even when he knows it’s the right thing to do.
  11. Often hides his true feelings and bottles them up inside. Afraid to speak his mind and may lie or omit things.
  12. Immature and throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. Lacks social etiquette and awareness.
  13. Displays poor/weak body language. Makes little or no eye contact, leans forward out of nervousness, and has fast/jerky movements. Possesses nervous ticks/fidgety habits, keeps hands in his pockets, exhibits bad posture, and doesn’t stand up straight.
  14. Is easily emotionally destabilized, gets worked up over meaningless things. “Loses his cool” and has outbursts of anger.
  15. Constantly uses self-deprecating humor to get approval, sympathy, or pity.
  16. Feels guilty for his natural sexual desires, even for simply looking at a woman. Represses his sexuality and ends up in the friend zone. Gets frustrated, angry, and misogynistic towards women because of it.
  17. Whines and complains, usually to get pity or sympathy. Has a negative attitude and a cynical outlook on life.
  18. Favors instant gratification and short-sighted thinking. He’s not willing to put in the effort or dedication needed to accomplish tasks. Does not give credit to what others achieve and thinks he could easily “do it better than them”.
  19. Feels the need to compensate for himself through gifts or expensive restaurants. Needs to prove his worth by showing his money or status early on.
  20. Always has “strings attached” or motives for being generous or doing favors. Expects something in return and gets angry or guilt trips when it doesn’t happen – exhibits manipulative behavior.
  21. Judges people based on external factors such as appearance or material items.
  22. Sees women primarily as sexual objects. His main goal is to have sex with them and does not care or actually listen.
  23. Dependent, needs a woman to feel happy or fulfilled in life. Hates being alone and will jump into relationships that are not right for him just to be with someone.

The “nice guy” is the personification of the attributes in a man that women ultimately do notfeel attracted to.

The Real Man:

  1. Has high self-esteem, considers himself valuable and worthy, a “catch”.
  2. Enjoys the company of others but does not seek their approval or attention to be happy. Doesn’t let people’s opinions emotionally destabilize him.
  3. Is self-confident and never arrogant or insecure. Possibly slightly cocky and may tease women in a friendly way. Believes he’s a great person that people will love to be around.
  4. Understands personal freedom and boundaries. Doesn’t experience unnecessary jealousy – encourages a woman to exercise her independence.
  5. Appreciates the qualities in potential mates but does not over-romanticize them. Takes new relationships day by day and lets them grow naturally. Doesn’t invest all his emotions, time, or money into a relationship too soon and remains a challenge.
  6. Takes responsibility for all his actions and realizes when he’s done something wrong. He’s not afraid to apologize and doesn’t take it out on others.
  7. Accepts his flaws and does not make excuses for them. Works to actively improve and fix them rather than complain.
  8. Will agree when he legitimately agrees but has his own thoughts and values. He stands up for them without being argumentative or causing a scene. Makes fulfilling his needs a priority before trying to satisfy everyone else’s.
  9. Isn’t afraid to lead and take control of a situation. Doesn’t hesitate to move forward, but is willing to let others take charge if needed. His apologies are meaningful because they’re used sincerely and when necessary.
  10. Understands his boundaries and doesn’t tolerate disrespect to himself, his property, or his time. Doesn’t let women use their sexual power to get anything (whether it be money or self-respect) from him. Not afraid to put someone in their place when they are out of line.
  11. Can be brutally honest (while still being respectful) with everyone, including himself. Isn’t afraid to speak his mind.
  12. Mature in every sense of the word. Compromises, respects social etiquette, and is aware of other people.
  13. Displays strong, confident body language. Holds good eye contact, stands tall with his shoulders back and arms open. He moves deliberately with purpose and speaks with a clear, confident voice.
  14. Is in control of his emotions, doesn’t let meaningless issues bother him. Stays calm under pressure and doesn’t lash out against others.
  15. Makes people laugh without always resorting to tearing himself down.
  16. Never feels ashamed for his sexual desires and needs. Always sexually confident. Shows his intentions while generating attraction and sexual chemistry with the opposite sex. Loves women and has no ill feelings towards them.
  17. Doesn’t feel the need to complain for attention or sympathy. Accepts the world as it is while keeping a positive attitude.
  18. Goal-oriented thinker, favors long-term gratification over short. Has a purpose in life and proactively works towards it. Challenges himself regularly to achieve what he wants out of life. Enjoys it when others shine and is inspired by their accomplishments.
  19. Enjoys giving gifts and sharing expensive meals out of confidence, high-value, and because he genuinely wants to. Doesn’t try to buy a girl’s affection early on.
  20. Is generous out of the kindness of his heart. Does not expect anything in return and is happy to share value.
  21. Judges people based on meaningful internal qualities such as character and personality.
  22. Sees women as human beings and wants to genuinely connect with them, even if it’s a casual hookup. Is compassionate.
  23. Is proudly independent and perfectly happy being single. Sure, he’d like to find an attractive/beautiful/intelligent woman to spend time with, but he doesn’t need it.

The real man is the polar opposite of the “nice guy”. He is the manifestation of traits in a man that women universally and naturally feel attracted to.

This is the man women are talking about when they say, “I wish I could just meet a nice guy.”

So…who are you going to be?

Have a free 60-minute session with me.



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  • Guest

    I have a little from column A and little from column B, I must be a Real Nice Man

  • Pestimouse

    Excellent article: did you know women do this “nice guy” stuff as well, not all the exact behaviours listed there, but our own versions of them? The much-slated book “The Rules” is the female version of how to stop being “nice” and start being honest, self-respecting, and (ultimately) a catch worth having – it’s not a perfect guide to life, but its popularity shows the male half of the population isn’t alone with this stuff.

  • Redingtonsmith

    I think that I am real and smart guy.Its very Real and Nice story .
     http://liquidhgh.org/home-decorators-coupon-code-promo-codes/

  • Redingtonsmith

    I think that I am real and smart guy.Its very Real and Nice story .
     http://liquidhgh.org/home-decorators-coupon-code-promo-codes/

  • King Of Latveria

    Well, I might ruffle a few feathers with this, but it must be said. The sole and undeniable source of the social infection known as “Nice Guy Syndrome” is: Women. Before you get riled up, hear me out. Look back at the 1950′s. Watch an old TV show, watch a classic movie from the 40′s – 50′s era, read a book by a contemporary author of the time period. If you are looking closely, you will notice a significant lack of “Nice Guys”. Look at any male romantic lead and you will see almost every trait mentioned on the list of Real Man identifiers listed above. now, do the same for modern entertainment. See a difference? How did we go from rhett Butler in Gne with the Wind, to Duckie from Pretty in Pink, to Michael Cera in… everything he is in? What happened?
    The 60′s Feminist Movement happened.  In the 1960′s the radical Feminists decided that the most effecient way to improve the general status of women in the modern world was to place as many feminist women in important places of influence as possible, and alter the way men behave by “Re-educating” them. Within a few years we had a veritable army of Feminist teachers and professors in every level of education teaching gender relations to an entire generation of men and women. The Goal? To change the way men interacted with women. This did have some positive effects. It taught men that women are social equals, they deserve to be treated the same in a professional capacity, they are just as smart and capable as men, etc. 
    However, the most incredibly negative side effect of this was teaching men and women that the “Alpha Male” traits were reprehensible and vile. These young men and women, taught by these well meaning but misguided instructors, are now the people in charge of our entertainment. Now, instead of having James Dean and Steve McQueen to idolize, we have a full roster of romantic leads teaching us that “Nice Guy” behaviors are the path to success with women. There is much more to it than this, but this is just a comment on a message board. Not an article or book, and I can’t exactly run on forever.

  • King Of Latveria

    Well, I might ruffle a few feathers with this, but it must be said. The sole and undeniable source of the social infection known as “Nice Guy Syndrome” is: Women. Before you get riled up, hear me out. Look back at the 1950′s. Watch an old TV show, watch a classic movie from the 40′s – 50′s era, read a book by a contemporary author of the time period. If you are looking closely, you will notice a significant lack of “Nice Guys”. Look at any male romantic lead and you will see almost every trait mentioned on the list of Real Man identifiers listed above. now, do the same for modern entertainment. See a difference? How did we go from rhett Butler in Gne with the Wind, to Duckie from Pretty in Pink, to Michael Cera in… everything he is in? What happened?
    The 60′s Feminist Movement happened.  In the 1960′s the radical Feminists decided that the most effecient way to improve the general status of women in the modern world was to place as many feminist women in important places of influence as possible, and alter the way men behave by “Re-educating” them. Within a few years we had a veritable army of Feminist teachers and professors in every level of education teaching gender relations to an entire generation of men and women. The Goal? To change the way men interacted with women. This did have some positive effects. It taught men that women are social equals, they deserve to be treated the same in a professional capacity, they are just as smart and capable as men, etc. 
    However, the most incredibly negative side effect of this was teaching men and women that the “Alpha Male” traits were reprehensible and vile. These young men and women, taught by these well meaning but misguided instructors, are now the people in charge of our entertainment. Now, instead of having James Dean and Steve McQueen to idolize, we have a full roster of romantic leads teaching us that “Nice Guy” behaviors are the path to success with women. There is much more to it than this, but this is just a comment on a message board. Not an article or book, and I can’t exactly run on forever.

    • Pestimouse

       Superficially, that looks correct  – however, here are the main flaws in that idea:

      1. the behaviours feminism spoke out most loudly and consistantly against were domestic violence against women, denying women birth control or access to divorce, denying women a fair wage (equal pay for equal and equivalent work) and denying women a voice in politics, whether via the vote or via demeaning women who speak out publicly on serious issues.

      None of these methods of keeping women disempowered have anything to do with being a true alpha male, they have more in common with similar traditional repression across racial and economic lines.

      Breaking them down (which is still a work in progress, especially outside the developed world) favours both men and women, and the entire human race gains by not being reduced to only 50% effectiveness, as it is when only 50% of the population are allowed to be movers and shakers.

      2. the 1950’s were one of THE most socially-engineered periods in history, when the govts of the US & Europe worked very hard to attempt to get women back out of the positions outside the home they’d gained during the two world wars, which were (as with the medical, technological and political changes caused by the wars themselves) a natural part of social evolution, and back into the purely domestic sphere.

      With all due respect, an era that had to be socially-engineered is no testament to the “rightful” status or role of men, and anyway its values lasted barely 15 years before the children of the women who had helped win WW2 sparked the sexual revolution, and the old order went out of the window for good.

      On a related note, this PUA stuff is a product of that same sexual revolution – all those hopes and dreams of casual encounters with girls who are up for casual sex, and only settling down once you’ve sown your wild oats (if at all) would be considered ludicrous and corrupt in 1952, 1852, or any other era before the pill and the swinging ‘60s – the dawn of radical modern of feminism

      So you can idolise the ‘50s, and maybe think that social engineering wasn’t all bad – but good luck trying to pick up a casual date in your time machine, because the fear of pregnancy and social stigma would put the most mentally stable, educated, independent and confident women well out of your reach, since they’d have too much to lose.

      3. Finally, Hollywood? If you check the credits on the majority of Hollywood movies, you will see primarily male names on the credits, especially towards the higher executive levels – take a look at female written fan-fic (some of which is terribly badly written, for sure) – it’s ALL about alpha males who don’t drivel over women, in fact the popularity of slash fan-fic (male characters having homosexual encounters) shows that when it comes to testosterone, women would actually often like a double-helping!

      And… since when did any male – alpha, beta or whatever alphabetti spaghetti – EVER take his entire lead on how to act from rom-coms?! I find it unlikely – and any man who is influenced like that is showing a fundamental weakness of character, hardly “true alpha” behaviours, anyway.

    • Mohd

      Agree 100%

      • Pramit

        @Brent Highley: Great observation. Your comment is even better than the post.

    • Barbrakapetski

      More rubbish. You can be a “man” who knows how to handle his business without being a cave man. Who said that everyone accepted the feminists view on how women and men are supposed to behave? I, for one, am not interested in boarish men who want to drag me by the hair. Nor am I interested in someone who can’t make up his mind or be assertive when needed. There’s nothing wrong with the character “Leopold” portrayed by Hugh Jackman in Kate and Leopold. The character was the true definition of a gentleman and a “nice guy”.

  • Barbrakapetski

    Rubbish. The “real man” described sounds like a “jerk”. Why is it that the “nice guy” has to be an insecure, awkward, self-loathing weiner? I disagree with that. When women say they just want to meet a nice guy we mean a guy who knows how to treat a woman, someone kind, considerate, affectionate, who doesn’t obsess about trying to impress his “clueless” buddies by picking a woman who he knows is not right for him but, she’s “hot”. A nice guys is a mature man who can be compassionate and openly communicate his feelings.

  • Justin

    Is there any actually existing person, male or female, who fits the criteria of “The Real Man” listed here?

    • 50&Learning

      Absolutely, “the Most Interesting Man in the World” from the Dos Eqquis commercials! I so want to be a hybrid of he and Hugh Hefner. Yeah, that’s it, that’s how I want to roll!

    • Nippur05

      John Wayne

  • http://www.facebook.com/johnny.trujillo.129 Johnny Trujillo

    It’s all about the money. It doesn’t matter if you’re a nice guy or bad boy. Women are only after money and cars. Tell me i’m lying! Even the hunks in Hollywood get a divorce when she gets bored and moves on with Rob,etc. Then the court feels sorry for her ass an gives her most of the millions. Men, please be your self and don’t change for anyone. I have seen some fat guys in relationships with cute girls where they are happy and smiling together. You do not need to be Mr. Bootyhole in order to score a girlfriend.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000902608983 Jon Lee Wilson

    I would say i am a nice guy, but then i’d be tearing myself down more.
    Eff that.

  • Mike E. Delta

    I am starting to think that what will turn me around is focusing on that one goal that will drive me to improve myself and just “let things happen” if you will. I’ll admit to being emotionally needy, so yeah I get myself into these same cycles, but in reality I need to get me where I need to be…ready. Gotta have a mission (goals) and the path will be exciting enough to warrant a passenger or partner, not a heart-crutch…or something like that.


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