Relationships are like the Big Bang of pick-up. All the rules break down. There are no routines to fall back on, and you are forced to reveal your truest self. What follows is a short list of principles I’ve found to be true in most relationships and for most (healthy) women. They are not rules. Think of them more as guidelines that can help you stay healthy, positive, and open while keeping things in perspective. Bombs away.
1. WOMEN WANT TO HAVE FUN
The old song is true. Girls just want to have fun. If you and your girl don’t have fun, don’t expect her to stick around. This is why, in surveys, women consistently list a sense of humor as the most desirable trait in a partner. It is really difficult to overstate how much this is true.
1a. Here’s what this means for you:
Learn to have fun at any time, no matter what you are doing. And don’t do it for her. Do it for yourself. If you can develop a sense of self-enjoyment, you will never be bored. For example, if you and your lady are walking, and you see a jungle gym, and she squeals and makes a break for it, don’t sulk and quietly wait for her to finish playing. Instead, run as fast as you can, push her out of the way, climb to the top, rip your shirt off, and scream, “I am the king and this is my kingdom! You will never defeat me, infidel!” And when she tries, pounce on her and tickle her until she pees in public. It doesn’t have to be that extreme, of course. Throw popcorn at her during a movie. If she drags you into a women’s clothing store, pull some shit off the rack, try it on, and ask the clerk’s opinion. Tackle her into bed. Smile. Laugh. Make some memories, for fuck’s sake. Be playful, and never, ever say no to fun.
2. WOMEN WANT TO FEEL SEXY
This seems like an easy one, but there’s a little nuance to it. Making a woman feel sexy is more than just complimenting her physical looks, although that’s part of it. Rather, it’s a mix of four things: 1) being interested in her mind, 2) complimenting her, 3) teasing her, and 4) having good sex.
2a. Be interested in her mind.
If you aren’t interested in what your lady thinks, you are either too boring yourself, or you need to find someone with more similar interests. Have a good, long conversation once in a while. Ask her what she thinks and take her seriously. Again, don’t do it arbitrarily. Date women you are interested in.
2b. Compliment and tease her.
Make it unique, sincere, and playful. Don’t get super emotional and tell her her eyes are like the sunset. Instead, when she walks away in that skirt you love, tell her you are about to have a stroke and you’d prefer if she just wore moo-moos from now on. Or whisper in her ear that her shoulders are giving you a boner in church. Say what you really think, and frame it in a way that’s fun.
2c. Have good sex.
I’m no sexpert. I have a lot to learn myself. But having great, mutually fulfilling sex goes a loooong way toward making a woman feel sexy. If you need a starting point, read The Sex God Method. Some of the rhetoric is a little much (seems misogynistic at times, although it’s clear he loves and respects women), but overall, it’s a great book that focuses on the female psyche instead of bullshit “hum the ABCs” techniques.
3. WOMEN WANT TO FEEL PROTECTED
Since you will almost never run across a situation in which you must actually protect a woman from harm, you need to find other ways to trigger the psychological response that makes her feel protected.
Most of the time, this is pretty simple: maintain an attitude of confidence and control. This means acting like a happy, healthy, passionate man who is not pushed around and is generally unaffected by bullshit (even hers). It also means—and this is very important guys—finding and pursuing your own passion; if she doesn’t see that you are a man who is confident enough to do things on his own (and to let her do her own thing), she will never believe you are confident enough to protect her.
3a. Real-world examples:
*Pay for her. She is your girlfriend. You take her out, not the other way around.
*Let her pay for you if she wants to. A confident man is secure.
*Decide. Be the decider, but be open to suggestions and/or changes of mind.
*Physically lead her. Take her by the hand and walk through crowds. Order first (better yet, order for her if you know what she likes). Walk into unfamiliar places first; open doors and guide her into familiar places.
*Stick up for her. No one gets to talk shit to your woman.
*Allow her to stick up for herself while supporting her with the quiet, physical presence of a confident man.
*Show her you have her back by empathizing, not by trying to fix situations.
4. WOMEN WANT TO FEEL LOVED
This is the most straightforward and natural for most of us. However, there are still a few things to keep in mind. Expressions of love should happen in an exchange. They should never be used to win favor, to manipulate, to apologize, or to otherwise reconcile a power imbalance. Exchanging expressions of love should be happy, spontaneous and genuine.
So, if you love a girl (and only ever say you do if you really do, obviously), and she loves you, tell her during positive emotional spikes. Say it when she makes you laugh or when she does something amazing. Say it when you are proud of her. Tell her you love her often during sex. The only real “rule” is to not say it to her more than she says it to you, but this is not due to some sort of misguided score system; it is simply because if she is not telling you she loves you as often as you are telling her, something in the relationship needs to be tweaked.
Lastly, do thoughtful stuff. Buy good, thoughtful gifts for her birthday. Teach her something new. Make her breakfast. These are all expressions of love, and they really go a long way.
CONCLUSION: A BRIEF NOTE ON BEING ALPHA AND MYSTERIOUS
It’s true: you must be alpha. But don’t think of it like you did during initial stages. In a relationship, being alpha more or less boils down to this: retaining your sense of self. A woman does not define you. A woman deserves a man with his own identity. Stay confident, positive, and passionate, and keep the above in mind. “Being alpha” is the natural result of being comfortable and healthy.