How to get confidence? It is a question that commonly gets asked around here. My usual answer has always been "fake it until you make it." Which in my opinion is a fantastic answer, and it gets results. But if someone had told me this back when I was a struggling beta with no confidence, it would have just blown right past me. Without any traction for it to stick to, it is just a meaningless phrase. So this is for all of the beginners with zero confidence.
Fear/ Self Doubt
When I was in college, I felt like a 15 year old boy amongst 25 year old men. I felt like I didn’t match up to them physically or experience wise. I withdrew from socializing because I felt like people were judging me and it had to be clear to them that I didn’t fit the typical college physique/personality/persona. I was full of self doubt and didn’t think that I could fit in. You see how many times I said "I" in those last 2 sentences? I was the one that was causing all of my self doubt. I was the one that was causing me to withdraw and be anti-social. I was the one that was determining my level of confidence.
People weren’t judging me. I was judging myself through other people’s eye’s. I was determining other people’s opinions of me for them. Are you doing the same thing? Have you ever said to yourself "she won’t like me because I am too tall/short/skinny/fat/nerdy/introverted/ugly/boring/poor/un-athletic? Have you avoided a social situation because you felt like you wouldn’t fit in? If so, you are the one that is defining what other people think of you.
Whenever somebody meets you, you are a blank slate. They don’t know your past, what you did in high school, where you went to college, how many girls you’ve slept with, what job you have, how much money you make, how big your dick is. They can only see what you allow them to see. You create what they see. You have the power to create their perception of you. They don’t know anything about your personality and if you don’t allow them to see it, they will never get a chance to. If you pull yourself out of the game because of your self doubts, they will never get a chance to know you and you will never get a chance to show them.
Stop allowing fear of what others may think of you control who you are. You are the one that controls how people perceive you. How you project yourself is how others will perceive you.
Harboring negative thoughts leads to a vicious cycle. Negative thinking leads to negative actions. Negative actions lead to self doubt and low self esteem. This leads to more negative thinking and the cycle continues in a downward spiral. Luckily, the exact opposite is also true. Positive thinking leads to positive actions. Positive actions lead to confidence and high self esteem. There are 2 keys to creating this path:
First- Get to the root of the negative thoughts. Where do these negative thoughts stem from? Get out a piece of paper. Write a list of everything that you feel is holding you back. This may be physical, emotional, financial, or whatever. Truly look within yourself and confront your fears. Don’t hold back. Now this list in going to contain 2 different kind of things: things you can change and things you can’t.
First, the things you can change. Too fat/skinny/un-athletic? Hit the gym. Bad acne? See a dermatologist. Too poor? Get a job. Whatever it is, you hold the power to change it if you desire to. Next are things you can’t change. If you are too short or tall or ugly or whatever- you can’t change that. You have to learn to accept this. Look in the mirror. What do you see? That is what you are stuck with. That is what you have to work with. You don’t get a reset button or a second chance. Accept what you have. Love what you have. These attributes aren’t holding you back- it is your perception of these attributes that is holding you back. You influence the way people perceive these attributions. If you think they are negative, other people will perceive them this way too. If you embrace them, then other people will embrace them too. Once again, you hold the power to create other people’s perceptions of you.
Second: Start thinking positive (which goes hand in hand with: stop thinking negative). Not just about women, but everything in life. This is going to take a conscious effort on your part. You have to literally recognize every time a negative thought pops into your head and change it. It is a simple as that. Change your negative filter into a positive filter. Give everything a positive spin. The entire world opens up when you make the paradigm shift from negative to positive thinking. Things you didn’t think were possible all of a sudden become obtainable.
Putting it Together/ Self Actualization
Maslow describes Self Actualization as "the desire for self-fulfillment, namely the tendency for him [the individual] to become actualized in what he is potentially. This tendency might be phrased as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming."
Notice that he describes the "desire" as the means of achieving what one is capable of, not some external factor. So must you if you wish to achieve what you are capable of. Only your desire and commitment will allow you to achieve your goals. This is done through:
*Facing your fears and self doubts so they can be removed.
*Removing your own preconceived notions of how people judge you.
*Developing your own sense of being of who you are and projecting that to other people.
*This is achieved by removing negative thinking from your life and replacing it with positive thinking.
*At the same time, you must strive to be the best version of yourself by improving yourself and accepting the attributes about yourself that cannot be changed.