1. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier. to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
2. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
3. I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile…and how many times.
4. Nothing brings two people together like the mutual hatred of another person.
5. Every phone should have the same charger.
6. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
7. If anyone found out the one password I use for everything I’d be fuked.
8. I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?
9. I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, “Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"
10. I had to walk to school 40 miles in the snow… barefoot” was good in it’s day. But imagine the sheer terror on your kid’s face when you drop “When I was born there was no internet
11. I saw a guy walking through two feet of snow in sub-zero temperatures to get to the florist. He must have really fuked up.
12. I think the best compliment is when someone who generally hates everyone decides that they like you.
13. Did any of the villains on Scooby-Doo actually break the law? Last time I checked wearing a rubber mask and being kind of a dick wasn’t a crime.
14. Who made up the unwritten rule that only losers show up to parties early? Make your grand entrance later if you want, but I’ll have had 4 beers, a shot, and double-dipped on the nachos several times by then.
15. It’s too bad that being rude and being honest are usually one in the same.
16. Wow, your kindle screen is viewable in direct sunlight? Well guess what, so is my book.
17. One of the most dreaded things to hear at the end of your work day is, “Oh good, you’re still here…”
18. Public transportation would be much more tolerable if it did not include the public.
19. “Because you’re fuking crazy” should be a legit reason to fire someone.
20. Why did the teenage mutant ninja turtles wear those masks over their eyes? They were giant walking pizza eating turtles. They had green legs and a huge shell on their back. I don’t think that mask is going to keep their identity a secret.
21. Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
22. Was learning cursive really necessary?
23. Every bar bathroom should have a cupholder.
24. It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
25. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
26. I don’t write on your facebook wall so you can comment on it. I write on your wall so you will write back on mine and make me seem more popular. Work with me here.
27. I don’t know about you, but a highlight of my childhood was talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
28. I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
29. Every phone should have the same charger.
30. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
31. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “i have nothing else to say”.
32. Waiting for a reply to a text is annoying. Waiting for a reply to a naughty text is terrifying. Did I send it to the wrong person? Do they not think it’s hot? Are they just laughing at my expense now???
33. When was the last time you touched the number 8 on your microwave?
34. If you share your social networking account with your wife and have one of those conjoined names on your account, like MarkAndAshley, I’m just going to assume in advance that no, you can’t go out for some beers with the guys.
35. I just caught a student plagiarizing. I knew to check when he used a semicolon correctly.
36. Vegetarians and vegans spend entirely too much time trying to make vegetables taste like meat. You made your choice, now live with it hippie!
37. There is no greater sense of accomplishment than rapping an entire part of a song perfectly.
38. You never realize how boring your life is until someone ask you what you like to do for fun.
39. The week feels like this: Moooooonday, Tuuuuuesday, Weeeeeednesday, Thuuuuursday, FriSatSun.
40. Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
41. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a car alarm go off for a legit reason..
42. Some of the things I laugh about on the internet convince me more and more each day that I am going straight to Hell.
43. Mental Note: Actual notes work better.
44. I bet the worst part about being a dwarf is having seven personality traits to try and not emulate.
45. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
46. You’re the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?
47. Whenever I’m almost done with a bowl of Lucky Charms, I strategize on how I will distribute the remaining marshmallows amongst spoonfuls.
48. It’s amazing how much clothes can weigh after getting on the scale and seeing a number you don’t like. “Shoes are what, 5 lbs. each? And this sweater must be at least 10…”
49. If someone offers a breath mint, just take one.
50. All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Fuk it.”