by Nick Notas
I’ve made many romantic connections with women. I’ve also lost many of those connections. I’ve met girls who weren’t into me sexually and gotten rejected in various ways. I’ve even had a date ask me if it was cool to get another guy’s number while we were out for drinks.
All of these experiences have helped me grow. But almost nothing has contributed to my self-esteem and success like the times where I was the one who walked away from girls that I knew weren’t right. Think about this for a second…
When’s the last time you chose to willingly end a connection with a girl you were attracted to?
For most, that answer is rare or even never. And it all starts with our male ego.
Needless Pride and the Win-Lose Mindset: Scarcity Mentality
Many men have fragile egos when it comes to women. I’m not judging, my pride used to get the best of me, too. I couldn’t handle the reality of being rejected or losing a girl — it was one of my worst fears. I lived with a scarcity mentality.
Scarcity mentality is the belief that there’s a limited number of opportunities in your life. With women, if you miss out on a single chance, you’ll never get another like it. What happens is that you view your connections as win or lose situations. It’s black or white:
“If I don’t get this girl, I’m a failure and a loser. I’ll be alone forever. But if I do, I’m a real man and a winner.”
You then do everything in your power to “win” girls over. You will chase endlessly, pretend to be a friend for months or years, disrespect your time, and even let yourself get walked over — all because you can’t let go of this one girl.
This is a needy, desperate, and unattractive way of thinking. You are subconsciously reinforcing:
- I have no standards for myself and the women who are a part of my life. I will take whatever I can get whether or not they are right for me.
- I have no options for women. I have to latch onto every chance I get because I am not good enough to find someone else. Women who like me are rare.
- My self-worth is tied to my ability to attract women and their approval of me.
- I think of women as objects to be acquired. Their personalities, values, and mutual respect for me do not factor into my desire to sleep with them.
This scarcity mentality leaves you unfulfilled and destroys your self-esteem. Instead, you should be trying to build a mindset of abundance.
Setting Standards and Respecting Your Worth: Abundance Mentality
Abundance mentality is the belief that you have plenty of opportunities in your life. More so, that you are worthy of those opportunities. You are in the position of choice.
This is not something most people are born with but rather cultivated. It begins with how yourespect and value yourself.
Repeat after me: “I am worthy of…”
- Having my time respected.
- Having my needs met.
- Being treated fairly.
- Connecting with people who improve the quality of my life.
- Meeting women who are willing to invest back in me.
You have to set standards and want more for yourself. And not just more, but the best for yourself. When considering a woman, you should be asking…
Is she putting effort into building a connection (sexual included) with me? Is she valuing my time? Is this fulfilling my needs and wants? Am I chasing something that isn’t going anywhere? Am I clinging onto this woman only because I’m afraid of being alone and having to put myself out there again?
Often when a guy comes to me frustrated with a specific girl, I ask the above questions. Unsurprisingly, the answer to many is no. My advice is to walk away and focus on finding women who appreciate your worth.
The abundance mentality prioritizes yourself. It leads to fulfillment and a strong level of self-esteem.
Developing the Abundance Mentality By Living It
Okay, so now you understand the mindset of abundance. But just thinking about it won’t actually internalize those qualities in you. You have to practice and live by them.
You have to move on from those who don’t meet your standards. You have to stop wasting time on people who don’t invest in you and spend time on people who do. And you have to consciously remind yourself that there are an infinite number of women available to you and seek them out.
Here are some romantic situations in which you can apply this:
- A girl you met disrespects your friends in front of you.
- You meet a girl and she doesn’t open up to you after 5-10 minutes. That means she isn’t asking you questions, she’s giving vague responses, or isn’t smiling.
- You approach a girl and she rejects you.
- You confirm a date with a girl 24-48 hours before you meet. She stands you up with no warning.
- You text a number twice and get no response.
- You keep texting a girl to make plans and she never actually hangs out.
- You wait around for a girl who has said she only sees you as a friend or that she’s not looking for something right now.
- A girl with a boyfriend flirts with you often but never spends time with you in person or moves it forward. She claims she’s miserable in her relationship and promises she wants to be with you but doesn’t break up with him.
- You’re in a relationship with an abusive or controlling partner.
- You’re in a relationship that makes you miserable or unsatisfied (emotionally or sexually).
- Your girlfriend breaks up or cheats on you. (I understand this one is extremely difficult but necessary.)
- You have a complete mismatch of expectations that cannot be resolved: you want an open relationship and she doesn’t, you want kids and she doesn’t, etc.
Instead of sticking around, chasing, getting upset, or getting down on yourself — you must keep pushing forward.
That means not giving her ultimatums. Or begging for her to take you back. Or flipping out on her and sitting around seething with rage. Or resenting all women. Or beating yourself up. Or using those standards as a defense mechanism to avoid meeting more girls.
A man with abundance does not waste his energy when he can use it to further improve his own life. He simply says, “She’s not invested or interested in me, that’s fine. I’ll focus my efforts on someone who will be.”
By doing the above you’ll meet tons of great women, increase your happiness, decrease your frustration, and forge stronger connections. Most importantly, you’ll value yourself and build genuine confidence.
Men with abundance are willing to lose the wrong girl to find the right one. They know that having the courage to walk away comes from a place of power, not weakness. It’s never a win or lose situation to them, it’s always a win-win.