While there may be many reasons why a woman might have low interest in interacting with you (the majority of which have nothing to do with you), there might be some things you are doing at the meta level that might trigger a low interest response in a woman (none of which includes you being a “loser”).
There are two common issues that Nice Guys and inexperienced daters project which women experience at a meta level. Both of these dynamics typically lead to low interest responses in women. These two issues are incongruence and anxiety.
Incongruence is a big issue for most men, but it is especially true for Nice Guys and inexperienced daters. Here are a few examples of incongruence.
When you approach a woman or hang out with a woman you like, but repress your true interest in her, you are being incongruent.
Whenever you seek someone else’s approval, you are being incongruent.
Whenever you hide your feelings, thoughts, agenda, or actions, you are being incongruent.
When you try to be a woman’s “friend” but you really want to fuk her, you are being incongruent.
When you try looking interested in what a woman is saying but are actually bored to tears, you are being incongruent.
Whenever you play it safe to avoid upsetting a woman, you are being incongruent.
Of course, when you lie, withhold information, or create any kind of false illusion, you are being incongruent.
Here is the clincher, it doesn’t matter what you are being incongruent about —you might just be holding back gas or trying not to look at a woman’s tits — most women will pick up the meta-communication.
Even if a woman isn’t consciously aware of the incongruence she is feeling, or the cause of it, she will have a negative reaction at an unconscious level.
Incongruence feels terrible to women. This is why everything I teach to both single and married men has the same core message: “Be honest and be yourself.”
Being congruent with women includes:
Being open, honest, and transparent
Setting the tone and taking the lead
Not seeking a woman’s approval
Bringing your sexual agenda
Turning the censor off, blurting
By being congruent, you allow a woman to decide if she likes you just as you are. You don’t give her that chance if you hide who you are from her.
When a woman experiences incongruence with a man, she won’t want to get close. In fact, she’ll want to get as far away from him as she can.
That is why I’m not a pickup guy. This is why I don’t try and turn men into“geeks with techniques” by teaching them pickup routines. While memorized pickup lines and sets may work on drunken 22-year-olds, most women see through the incongruence.
So if a woman has low interest in you, it is not because she can see through you. It is more likely because she can’t see you.
Anxiety is contagious. In all pack, flock, or herd type animals, anxiety is transmitted as an early warning system of potential danger. One dog anxiously barks and every other dog in the neighborhood starts barking. One bird flies out of a tree and the whole flock flies away. One cow is spooked by a snake, and the rest of the herd stampedes.
This same energetic transfer of anxiety occurs in humans as well. If one person in an emotional system is anxious, the other people in that system will experience the anxiety.
While none of us enjoy feeling anxious, women especially hate it — especially when it isn’t their own!
After 30 years as a marriage therapist, two marriages, and 9 years of conscious dating, here is the one thing I know for sure about women — they are “security seeking creatures.”
As feminist Maureen Dowd puts it, “Women are emotionally complex and physically vulnerable.” For hundreds of thousands of years, women have walked the planet feeling anxious. Evolution has wired them to look to men to provide and protect. We are their security system.
So when a man approaches a woman and he is anxious, either because of inexperience, approval seeking, or attachment to outcome, the woman picks up his anxiety. Her brain might be reading the meta-communication of the man’s body language, facial expressions, lack of eye contact, and pitch of his voice — but it is more than that. She feels his anxiety energetically. It vibrates throughout her body.
Remember, attraction for a woman is based on how a man makes her feel. If you make a woman feel anxious because you are anxious, she will want to get as far away from you as she can.
Since a woman is programmed by Mother Nature to look to a potential mate as a security system, your anxiety will immediately disqualify you. The programming of her unconscious mind screams, “If he is anxious about talking to an insecure little girl like me, how will he be powerful enough to provide for me and protect me?”
As one woman once told me, “If you can’t stand up to me, how do I know you will be able to stand up for me?”
Women want us to help them feel safe. That is why they are attracted to confident men, men who can soothe their own anxiety, and men with their nut sack intact.
Women can’t look into your soul and tell that you are a loser, but their heightened empathy and response to a meta-communication often leads to dating frustration for anxious and incongruent men.