by Nick Notas
Few moments have single men more excited then getting a girl’s number. There’s an immense joy in knowing you now have an open line of communication.
Then reality sinks in. A number may be a green light, but you still have to get her on a date. And as many men come to realize, that’s easier said than done.
Lucky for you, I’ve been taking notes from every texting e-mail I receive to decipher the common pitfalls that prevent men from meeting up with women. They are:
Unnecessary apologies. Stop saying sorry for taking time to text back — you did nothing wrong. You barely know each other and you aren’t obligated to explain yourself. It comes off awkward and like you need to make sure she likes you. Just roll back into conversation.
If you’re really taking that long to respond, are you…
Artificially waiting to respond. Replying in a normal timeframe only comes off desperate when you’re flooding her with consecutive unanswered messages. But, not responding for half a day because you think it’ll make you look cool is desperate.
Women want men who are unashamed of what they want. By delaying, you’re only going to frustrate her or make her feel like you’re uninterested — putting her on the defensive. Women will often pull away to protect themselves and act distant as well.
If you don’t want a girl to play games with you, you shouldn’t be playing games with her.
Sharing too many useless details. She probably doesn’t care about a play-by-play of your day. Unless you can make a joke from it or use it to ask her a question about herself — save it for the date. Pare down your texts to the core message and remove all filler. Brevity is key.
Say she asks you what your plans are for the night. Many guys respond with something like…
“I’m gonna take a nap. Then around 5 I’m going to meet up with my friend John who’s back from the military. I haven’t seen him in over a year. We’ll probably hang out for a little and then we’re going to watch a metal show at the DCU center in Worcester — it’s going to be awesome.”
Is the nap pertinent? Do you really need the timestamps? Is John being in the military relevant right now? Do you need to explain that you’re hanging out? Does the location of the show make a difference? Or the fact that it’s going to be awesome — that’s hopefully implied by you investing your time there.
“I’m meeting an old friend and heading to a metal show. What’s your favorite type of live music?”
Not evoking positive emotions. Texting is a poor way to get to know someone — that’s what the real world is for. It should be a fun way to harmlessly flirt and banter. Avoid dry, mundane, or purely factual exchanges.
I’m always lighthearted over text with new women. A girl wants to pick up her phone and smile or laugh. She doesn’t want to go back and forth about her or your schoolwork, job schedule, or stresses unless you can make light of them.
The overall tone should be fun, flirtatious, playful, or just downright silly. You don’t have to be over the top, but always go back to this…
How are you making her feel?
Read over your statements and questions as if you were her. Do they make you feel warm? Are you smiling at them? Or are they neutral and flat? Do they only require an emotionless, one word answer?
For a detailed breakdown of an emotionally engaging text conversation, see my article here.
Talking about how bored you are, that you have nothing to do, or downplaying your interests. You’re admitting you have nothing engaging happening in your life. Saying how uninteresting your day is won’t get her excited to hang out with you. And if you can’t even enjoy your own day, how can she expect you to show her an awesome experience?
Conversely, when you do have plans, don’t bash them. “I have tennis practice tonight, but I don’t want to go, it’s lame.” If it’s lame, then why the hell are you doing it in the first place?
And if you find yourself always bored or miserable with what you’re doing, maybe it’s time to pick up a new hobby. Self-pity and laziness is a turn-off.
Going for the date before you’ve gotten a positive response. The best time to suggest a date is right after you receive a happy response, laugh, or emoticon. This ensures the highest chance of getting a yes.
Why? Because meeting up with a new guy can be stressful. A girl is nervous about things not going so well or being awkward. She needs to be reminded of the initial spark she felt for you and why she gave you her number.
“He makes me laugh and is so easy to talk to. This date is going to be stress-free and fun.”
That said, you shouldn’t be…
Waiting way too long to invite her for the date. This is by far the #1 reason you’re not meeting up with women. Always go for a date within the first or second day of texting.
I know it feels amazing to keep texting. You think you’re building a stronger connection and she’s more likely to agree. You’re wrong. The window of opportunity closes with each passing day.
The truth is you’re scared of hearing the potential rejection. But women make up their minds quickly. She already knows her answer and you’re just delaying the inevitable
If she likes you, she wants to hang out with you — especially if you had a great first interaction. And if she doesn’t, you want to know early on so you can focus on other people.
Asking for a date rather than suggesting. She gave you her number and is replying back. Assume she wants to see you unless she states otherwise.
Women want men who lead and take charge. Timidly asking, “would you ever want to go out on a date sometime?” sounds like you’re expecting her to say no. It also sounds like you’re inexperienced.
Instead use “we” or “let’s” statements. “Let’s grab drinks and catch up. How’s Thursday?” “We should go to that museum on Friday.” This makes it feel mutual and shows you’re confident with your intentions. If she doesn’t want to go, she’ll let you know or decline your offer.
Overselling how great hanging out with you will be. If you need to convince a woman she should see you, you’re doing it wrong. She should come to that conclusion herself through genuinely fun conversation (step #4). Avoid excessive exclamation marks, smileys, and grand statements.
Don’t say, “We should go to this cute italian place! It overlooks the water and has the most incredible view ever! Their in-house wine and lasagna are the best in the city. You’re going to love and it have so much fun — I promise ”
Do say, “Let’s grab Italian at this cute place on the water.”
Leaving no room for intrigue. Stop giving away all the details for your upcoming date. Putting pressure on her to commit to the entire ordeal before she’s even gone out with you is overwhelming. It also spoils the surprise for the adventure you’re planning.
Don’t text, “We’re going to start at the winery, drink a glass of red, then have dinner at my favorite Thai place. Then we’ll finish off with a long walk through the best park.” Instead try, “Let’s kick off at the winery and see where the night takes us.”
Just like a movie, we want to be taken for an unexpected journey. Spontaneity is sexy.
Giving too many options. Too many choices say you’re uncertain of what you want and force her to figure things out. Suggest a specific day rather than listing all the times you have available (which also makes it seem like you have nothing better to do).
For the date idea, don’t say “What do you want to do? Get Chinese food? Or maybe Italian instead? Or we could just get a drink if that’s more comfortable for you.” Make a recommendation and if she wants something else, she can speak up — she’s not helpless.
This applies to the logistics as well. Choose how you want to meet up. Don’t give her 5 choices of picking her up from her house, picking her up from the train station, or telling her to meet you there. Convey a plan and specific time. She’ll say if she prefers something different.
Checking to see if they received your message. Unless her phone is broken, out of battery, or her service is cancelled — she got your text. She chose not to respond yet. And if she didn’t get it, then she’s not getting the immediate follow-up, either.
Regardless, go focus on something else in your life. If you don’t hear back, send her a message in a couple of days (not about the previous text). If this happens multiple times, she’s likely not interested and you should move onto other girls.
Texting them about their lack of response. Nothing says intense like confronting a girl and asking why they haven’t replied. Guys try to play it off by adding in “haha” or “lols” but the message is still clear: you’re frustrated and pissed about why she’s distant.
Putting her on the spot won’t make her say “Oh my god, he’s right…I should be texting him!” It’ll only push her away further.
Try to re-spark conversation in a couple days with a lighthearted text. If she continues to ignore you, go find other women.
Not pinging them within 48 hours of the date. If you schedule a date more than a few days in advance, send her a reminder. Sometimes girls forget or get cold feet.
A flirty statement about the date is enough to confirm and reassure her of the fun you’ll have. Something like, “You better bring your A game on Thursday ” or “Are you ready to get your butt kicked in pool?” You can even be more forward with, “So, did you pick out a cute outfit for Thursday yet?”
Not pinging them within a few hours of the date. Always send a quick check-in before heading to a date. Because sadly, sometimes when a girl is going to cancel, she won’t let you know. Then you end up somewhere waiting like a fool for a no-show.
A simple confirmation of logistics will do. “Hey, I’m heading out in an hour, see you at 7!” or “Should be at your place by 7, can’t wait.”
Be bold, let loose, and go for the date already!
Most importantly, stop clinging on to girls that don’t invest back in you. Give attention to those that do. That’s how you’ll get more dates.