Do Women See You As A Leader?

March 10, 2014 | No Comments » | Topics: Dating

Marlon Brando Guys and Dolls

by Nick Notas

Can anyone deny that leadership is one of the most attractive qualities? Strong individuals have the power to charm and influence millions.

Wael Ghoniman started an Egyptian revolution, Steve Jobs created a cult of technology (which I’m happily part of), and even Stanley Milgram convinced people to electrocute test subjects to death.

It’s human nature to respect and respond to authority.

Thankfully, in dating we don’t have to go to those extremes. We just need to understand what makes a great leader and apply that to turn a girl we like into a girl we’re intimate with.

Know what you want and be unashamed about getting it

Every successful leader knows their position and will fight for it at all costs. They express their intentions proudly.

If you’re spending time with a woman you like, what are your intentions? Do you want to just be her platonic friend?

No, you want MORE. You want to be a romantic partner. You want intimacy. You want incredible sex and you want to give her incredible sex.

So if that’s what you want, how are you going to lead it there by being a friend? How are you going to turn her on to the idea if you’re hiding your intentions? How can you expect to excite her about romance with you when you’re terrified about it?

Could you imagine if Obama took the stage during his presidential run and stammered out:

“I…I…think we need change.”

What would the response be? Do you think the crowd would be roaring like it was? Would he have attracted as many people to his cause? Not a chance.

But he came out and passionately exclaimed:


Now whether you agree with his politics is a different story. But there’s no denying that being so fired up motivated millions of people.

They believed in Obama because he believed in what he was saying (or at least looked like it). He was decisive and showed confidence in what he wanted. And you could argue it was the defining factor in helping him become president.

Nobody wants a timid, uncertain leader and the same goes for the women you date. 

Being assertive is not wrong, it’s right

Whenever I’m speaking to a guy about leading, they reply with something like,

“I don’t want to come off like a douchebag. I’m not a controlling guy. I don’t want her to think I just want sex. She’s not into that.”

They feel shameful about it. They believe it’s wrong. Well let me tell you something…

You’re a much bigger asshole if aren’t leading with your intentions.

You’re lying about what you want out of your connection. You’re giving her the wrong expectations. And if she wants the same thing with you, you’re only frustrating her.

Don’t believe it?

I’ve had hundreds of men tell me, “I’m friends with this girl but I’m afraid to do anything because I don’t want to screw up the friendship.”

I often follow up with…

“Okay so you’ve spent all this time and energy on this girl. Let’s say hypothetically she told you tomorrow that she has zero romantic interest in you and will forever only see you as a friend.

Would you continue to invest this much in her? Would you still talk and hang out with her all the time?”

As sad as it is to say, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve heard, “Yes, I would.”

That disgusts me. Right there you’re admitting that you were never actually her friend. You had ulterior motives the entire time. How fucked up is that?

Being upfront with women is the most honest thing you can do. Every woman I interact with in my life knows where she stands.

If she’s a friend, I’m going to be her real friend and treat her as such. I’m not secretly trying to get into her pants.

If she’s someone I’m attracted to, I’m going to convey that from the very start. My actions and words say, “I’m interested in you as a human being but ALSO as a sexual partner.”

You know what happens?

It removes ANY uncertainty and pushes things forward. There’s no ambiguity anymore — she knows exactly how I feel about her. And she knows that if we’re hanging out, it’s going to move towards romance.

She now has to make a conscious decision to…

A) Accept this and return the interest back.


B) Let me know she’s not interested in that way.

No more playing games back and forth trying to get her out to see me. No more questioning if she likes me. No more wasted time for either party.

When you’re honest with your intentions, there is so much less stress and headache. You either move forward or move on. Women appreciate it and you will, too.

Why do we find leadership so attractive?

As discussed earlier, when you lead with your intentions you are conveying:

“I’m interested in you as a romantic partner.”

But how does that attract a woman?

  1. Showing your interest feeds into our psychology of wanting to be liked.Everyone wants to be thought of as attractive, engaging, and desirable. It’s arousing and makes us feel sexy.

    This is the main idea behind the fastest-selling book in history, 50 Shades of Grey as well as most romance novels. Christian Grey is so enamored by Anastasia that he can barely contain himself. His passion for her makes her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

  2. Most of us are fighting with sexual shame from culture, religion, parents, friends, and more. This is especially true for women who have dealt with “slut-shaming”. They’re worried about being seen as “easy” or a “slut” and thus fight off their natural urges.

    Because of that, the majority of women are never going to flirt first. They often won’t even get into a sexual headspace or potentially consider you a sexual partner untilyou take it there.

    But if you can show a woman that you are comfortable with your sexuality, enjoy flirting with her, and are non-judgmental — it becomes a positive experience for her. It’s fun and she’s excited to indulge in those feelings.

    She begins to see you as someone she could be romantic with.

  3. Investment. Whenever we spend energy and time on something, we become emotionally attached. There’s a psychology principle behind this called “commitment and consistency”. In his book Influence, Robert Cialdini states:

    “If people commit, orally or in writing, to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment because of establishing that idea or goal as being congruent with their self-image. Even if the original incentive or motivation is removed after they have already agreed, they will continue to honor the agreement.”

    Since you’re leading with your intentions, a woman has to decide if she’s open to them. Every time she chooses to follow your lead, she’s not only investing in you, but in the idea of romance with you. She’s committing to it and allowing things to progress forward.

    There is a caveat though. If you take the lead with a grand gesture too soon, she may not be ready. Start small and work your way up.

    Imagine you haven’t had any physical contact the whole night and suddenly go for a kiss. It’s going to take her by surprise. She hasn’t had the chance to even think about being physical yet.

    But what if you hugged her when you first saw her? What if you playfully pushed her arm when she teased you? What if you placed your hand on her back when ordering a drink at the bar? What if you sat close to each other with your legs touching?

    If she welcomed all those progressively more forward advances, the kiss becomes a natural next step.

    This is called the “foot in the door” effect and is described further in this video:

Always lead the interaction forward – emotionally, physically, and sexually.

Prepare yourself for any reaction

Most guys make the mistake of trying to figure out how a woman feels before they take the lead. That’s damn near impossible. You’ll never read her mind.

You want to start leading and THEN adapt to the situation accordingly. Not the other way around.

Every time you lead, you’re going to get one of 3 types of responses:

  1. Positive – She accepts your lead. That means she says yes, reacts positively, and is still engaged in conversation. You have nothing to worry about and you can continue leading in a more forward manner.
  2. Negative – She does not accept your lead. This could be a flat out “no”, “stop”, “I don’t feel comfortable with that.”, or she looks visibly angry/upset. Immediately back off.

    You can say “No problem, I understand.” or apologize if necessary, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make to you uncomfortable.”

  3. Challenging / Hesitant – This is where she tests your leadership or struggles with the decision.

    You shouldn’t immediately feel shameful, back down, or apologize unnecessarily. You’re preventing yourself from making a connection.

    Do you know how many numbers, dates, and sexual encounters I would’ve missed if I’d buckled at every minor objection?

    Sometimes women are just nervous, caught off guard, or want to see if you’re truly confident about what you desire (her). For those situations, a simple nudge forward or reassurance is all it takes to keep things going. Convey that this is what you want in a positive, playful manner once more.

    Never get mad, confrontational, upset, or guilt-trip her into following your lead. That’s manipulative. You’re showing your intention, restating your position, and if she’s not into it – that’s okay.

    If she rebuffs your advance again, then you should back off.

I understand this is difficult to understand without context so let’s get into some real-world examples.

Putting it all together and leading her

Since we universally regard leaders as valuable, the best way to show your value to women is to become a leader.

Check out more awesome articles by Nick at The Dating Specialist