Top 10 Lamest Superhero Powers Of All Time

January 29, 2015 | 7 Comments » | Topics: List

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10 . Eating Through Anything – Matter Eater Lad

Alright, so it might be neat to be able to eat anything without consequence — those late night Taco Bell trips would be a lot easier, for one. But when would you ever really have to eat through a wall though? Maybe if you’re a superhero, but it just seems like it’d be a funny thing to watch. Especially when one stops to consider the truism that what must go in must come out. Not to mention, he wasn’t a cannibal — there goes any chance of using his powers to beat up the bad guys.

 

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9. Changing the Color of Things – Color Kid

Of all powers to grant a superhero, changing the color of things is definitely not on our list of awesome. How could this even be useful? Apparently Color Kid liked to confuse his flying enemies by switching the colors of the ground and the sky, but any enemy stupid enough to fall for that would probably get creamed anyway. It might be a fun “superpower” — for a six-year-old. And really, with such a lame power, he could have at least made a better costume.

 

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8. A Trained Bumblebee Sidekick – The Red Bee

This one made our sides hurt from laughing, which is about all the damage he is capable of. The Red Bee’s shtick was beyond ridiculous — that in a fight he’d open up the little compartment in his belt, and release a single bee. Not a radioactive super bee, or an exotically poisonous one, but a regular, trainedbee. It would fly out to sting his opponent, and that’s it. As if that wasn’t bad enough, his costume makes our eyes bleed.

 

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7. Compelling People to Run – Tag

Making people do things would turn out to be an interesting superpower to wield, as a general rule — but only being able to make people run? Lame. Maybe if Tag had a cliff at his disposal every time he battled an opponent, he might be successful, but that’s not the case. It might be amusing to make people run in circles or into things, but it just seems like too much hassle, and just plain silly to boot.

 

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6. Turning Into a Ball – Bouncing Boy

Bouncing Boy could turn himself into a ball by inflating himself — like Kirby. He came across his powers by accidentally drinking some plastic solution that he thought was soda pop. Well, serves him right for not paying attention, and now he’s stuck with one of the lamest superpowers ever. He has to run, err, bounceaway from all of his opponents, which is not really all that cool.

 

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5. Omnilingualism – Cypher

Cypher was a mutant with the ability to translate anything — written, spoken, or computer language. It seems like it would be one of the more bearable superpowers on the list to have in the real world, but as a superhero … not so much. How often could he have come across a chance to be useful at all? Maybe if Professor X needed a manual translated, but after deciphering stuff he’d have to completely depend on the other superheroes to do the real work — he was useless in battle.

 

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4. Turning Completely Flat – Tommy

Tommy had the ability to render herself into a two-dimensional state, taking on the shape of a piece of paper. There are only two ways we can think of to use this superpower: Giving people paper cuts or sliding under doors/through mail slots. OK, so paper cuts kind of hurt, and they’re pretty annoying, but sliding under things is pretty useless. For those not convinced, she was the first person to die in the Mutant Massacre. On the plus side, Kate Moss could always play her in a movie.

 

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3. Summoning Squirrels – Squirrel Girl

Squirrel Girl seems like early evidence of the Furry Fetish — but we digress. Summoning squirrels to aid in a fight is definitely a lame superpower, really; they couldn’t even spring for ferrets or another creature just a tad more useful than squirrels. It’d be worth it if you could summon, say, elephants, bears or tigers. Something fierce. Don’t squirrels run away from everything? Maybe Squirrel Girl’s squirrels don’t, but it’s nothing a little rodent poison wouldn’t take care of.

 

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2. Sticky Skin – Tar Baby

Besides the terrible name, Tar Baby’s superpower is incredibly lame. He had sticky skin, and could secrete some kind of adhesive. Basically everything stuck to him, which would probably be nothing more than a huge pain in the ass, don’t you think? It might come in handy at some point, maybe while shoplifting, but the clean-up and hassle of the whole thing would not be worth it.

 

1. Yelling Really Loudly – The Thunderer

During the age of anti-Nazi propaganda, The Thunderer emerged as one of the worst pro-American crime fighters. As a mild-mannered radio announcer, Jerry Carstairs (Carstairs!?) grew upset with the way America was handling Nazi jerks. As such, he assembles a costume that includes a built-in microphone. With no other powers at his command, yelling is his sole ability.

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  • Krazyfan1

    3 of those have very lethal and powerful powers if people had bothered to do any RESEARCH
    Matter eater lad: able to eat lasers and doomsday computers, plus he has acidic spit.
    he once ate an invincible wish granting device, saving the universe.
    Color kid: can completely remove supermans powers by turning the sun red, as well as changing the effects of kryptonite to whatever he wants…
    Cypher: language doesnt only mean words…it includes computer language (making him a master hacker and programmer), arcane languages (letting him cast spells), body language (giving him the ability to fight all the New Mutants at the same time
    and win), and even the structure of buildings, allowing him to pinpoint
    their weak spots instantly.
    Squirrel girl is canonically one of the most powerful marvel characters.

    • zorlan

      “ate an invincible wish granting device, saving the universe.”

      Now read that again and tell me that this is not just ridiculous 🙂

      • Krazyfan1

        ridiculous or not, he did it.
        granted he was insane for a while after, but he still did it
        and ok..the device was SUPPOSEDLY indestructible…but still…

    • Deads

      Ya, Squirrel Girl defeated Doc Doom.
      And if she was good enough to be the nanny for Luke Cages kid then she must be damn awesome.

      • 7eggert

        She defeated Deadpool, too.

  • lemon

    Following her defeat of Doctor Doom,[8] an ongoing joke depicts Squirrel Girl repeatedly attaining victory over various villains, some of whom are considered to be more powerful than she is. Typically, these victories occur off-panel, though some, like her battles with Deadpool,[14] MODOK,[12] and Wolverine,[20] are shown. Her victories often result from her opponent’s overconfidence, weakness from an earlier fight, or creative use of her powers. For example, her defeat of Bi-Beast: While visiting squirrel friends in Central Park, Squirrel Girl came across the Thing fighting Bi-Beast. She told the squirrels to retrieve the smelliest garbage they could find and place it around the combatants, resulting in everyone having to hold their noses. Bi-Beast had two heads, and two noses, and had to use both hands to hold his noses, leaving himself defenseless, allowing the Thing to knock him out.[13]

    Squirrel Girl’s defeat of Thanos is an ambiguous one. Uatu the Watcher, was present at the battle and claimed Squirrel Girl defeated the genuine Thanos and not a clone or copy.[12] Thanos has since claimed he has perfected a means of creating clones of himself that could fool even “the most cosmic of beings.” Adding to the ambiguity is the fact that the reveal comes from the mind of a clone whose memory had been altered.[21]

  • epobirs

    Matter Eater Lad once bit off Pulsar Stargrave’s nose. Stargrave, who beat both Mon-El and Superboy in his first appearance, was technically not alive, being a version of Brainiac, so it was sort of OK for MEL to commit such a gruesome assault. Also, it was Keith Giffen writing, so these things happen. In the same story Color Kid contracted a virus that caused him to change gender.

    Bouncing Boy deserves far more respect. If not for the copyright issue, a better name for him would be Flubber Guy. He was nearly indestructible in his inflated form and could build up such kinetic force that he could bash right through a tough object like a tank.