A Few Jokes To Give Your Funny Bone A Workout

June 23, 2016 | No Comments » | Topics: Funny Pictures

An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him…

The woman asks the man, “How would you like to get out of here?” and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says “I’m a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service.” The man is stunned and saddened that she didn’t really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies “I’m a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back.”

 

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

 

A family walks into a hotel…

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says “I hope the pron is disabled.” The guy at the desk replies. “It’s just regular pron you sick fuck.”

 

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says “These are the best qualifications I’ve ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit.”

Guy replies “Why the rabbit?”

Inspector says “Fantastic attitude, you’ve got the job!”

 

How many “friend zoned” guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won’t screw.

 

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

 

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

 

On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? – Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? – I was, Moshe.

And now you’re at my death bed, aren’t you? – I am, darling.

I’m starting to think you’re bad luck, Sarah.

 

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

 

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery…

The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?”

The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…..”

 

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

 

An Irish guy walks out of a bar….

It could happen.

 

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

 

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It has to be your ears.”

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”

Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me.”