1. A little late but there is a girl at my college known for sleeping around a lot. There are a bunch of rumors surrounding her but I know for a fact that she has taken two random guys up to her room on the same night (I worked as a doorman at the time). She wasn’t the best student by any means choosing to party over studying or anything like that. About a year ago, I was drunk at a bar and saw her there. She saw me and we talked for a bit and she asked to dance. I’m not the most attractive person by any means, so this had never happened to me. I took her offer, why not, could be fun. After about 4 songs worth of grinding or so, she turns around and gives me this wide eyed look. She quickly says “I have to go” and rushes out the door as quick as she could. I assumed she had a moment of clarity and left. I met back up with friends, told them what happened, and we all left a bit later. The next day there is a huge party and apparently she didn’t go, people were saying she wanted to study instead. In fact, she didn’t go to the bar or any party for the rest of the semester. She made dean’s list that semester and is on track to make dean’s list this semester too. When I talk about it to my friends, they say she probably hooked up with someone else that night or she went out a different night but I saw her look of shock. I saw her directly leave the bar. I know she didn’t go to that party that she would normally go to the very next night. She hit rock bottom by simply dancing with me and it was enough to truly change her life.
2. People assume your successes are based on your skills.
3. Get to play tinder on hardcore mode.
4. As a fairly unattractive young woman, I can say that it’s kind of great. Why? Simple. It’s the way men react towards me.
I’ve talked about this at length with my girlfriends, who keep me around to boost their own self-esteem, sort of a living reminder that no matter how ugly they think they look, it could always be worse. We’ve found that a lot of men get kind of weird when they interact with attractive girls. All kinds of insecurities bubble to the surface. And by “all kinds,” I pretty much mean just penis size and penis ability. They think they won’t measure up. They get wrapped up in this anxiety. They feel pressure to perform, which manifests itself first in “scarety wang,” then in premature ejaculation. Occasionally, they feel anger, which they sometimes direct towards the girl.
Then there’s me. I’m like a cool rain on a warm summer’s eve. Not only am I not intimidating, I’m kind of soothing.
Full disclosure, I’m not all bad in terms of attractiveness. I’m slender and have a pretty decent body, so long as I keep my body hair in check (I’m 3/7 Armenian). My hips are somewhat narrow, like a boy’s, so childbirth will be painful, but I make up for it with a couple of perky breasts that are nearly the same size and a vagina that can perform peristalysis on account of all the kegels I’ve done over the years. That’s where the good news ends.
From the neck up, it’s a real car crash. First off. My head is too large for my body. It makes shopping for hats extremely trying. Plus,it sits directly between my shoulders. I have no neck to speak of. I sort of look like a battletoad.
My face itself generally confuses anyone who gazes upon it. It’s like a first year art student trying to channel Picasso by way of Bob Ross (“let’s put a nice little mole with some hair sticking out over here; it’s a happy mole”), but failing and badly. My sloped forehead is buttressed by a semenly perpetually furrowed brow more akin to a lowland gorilla than a human bean. It forms a little shelf for my dandruff to rest upon (I have dry scalp, a side effect of my having narrowly survived SIDS as a child). My eyes operate completely independent of one another. One stays close to my nose, which itself looks like a dong, while the other resides closer to my right ear almost like a fish. It’s not pleasant to look at. In fact, most don’t know where to look when conversing with me. But it does make it easier to check my blind spot when driving, so I’ve remained accident free and my auto insurance is reasonable despite my gender related handicap.
To make matters even worse, I also have a little mustache. Personally, I kind of like it. But it makes people angry, so I must deal with it. It is rather easy. I simply carry one of of those bleach pens wherever I go (works great on my butthole, too).
This whole package means that, when a guy meets me, it’s a stress free affair. Rather than constantly trying to impress me, they can just be themselves instead of being a version of themselves they think is more desirable. It’s more fun that way. Especially in the bedroom.
You see, having relations with me is like driving around in a beater — scratching it up, slamming it thru a wall, and puking in it won’t really affect its value. Honestly, I’m pretty much an old Buick, except I haven’t merely been driven back and forth to church by an old lady, if you know what I mean (I mean I’ve been fucked more than a fan of any sports franchise from Cleveland).
And most of them think it’s only going to be the one time, anyway, because I’m nothing they’d want to be with long term. So I get their footloose and fancy free best. They don’t worry about jizzing too quick, which leads them to pretty much never jizz too quick. No arguments when it comes to condom usage, either. Not a one of them would ever want to get me pregnant. They’re too frightened by what might come out. Plus, I sort of look like I have leprosy. No one wants to catch that.
Even better, I get guys when they’re at their most experimental. You want to teabag me? Sure. Dip them in. Let them steep for awhile. Really extract all the flavor. And no way do they attempt the Springfield Spray Tan with little miss thing and her perfectly plucked eyebrows. She’s haúte cuisine to these guys whereas I’m more like the Taco Bell test kitchen. Put me in a gordita, shoot me full of sour cream, wrap me in a burrito, deep fry my ass, then enjoy me when you’re too drunk to care. I won’t even charge you for extra guacamole.
Any reservations they have about the size, shape, or colour of their hog go out the window, too. I am like Lady Liberty in that regard anyways. Give me your tired, your weak, even your Dutch. Your heaving erections, yearning to splooge freely. I’ll take them all, and with a plum. What’s that, you say? Can you put it in my asshole. Yes. Yes, you can. Don’t worry about making a mess, either. I dropped the extra money on these rubber sheets for a reason and it’s not because I’m a bed wetter. Did I mention I always carry a bleach pen?
Being attractive? It’s for the birds. I’m happy just the way I am, thank you very much.
5. People laugh at your jokes for real
6. I wouldn’t say I’m hideous, but I’m on the lower side of average. I have bad hair and very little interest in makeup or fashion, so I also don’t regularly go out of my way to pretty myself up. I used to have nice boobs, but after breast feeding a child they kind of deflated.
I know, because he told me, that my husband loves me because I’m smart, very funny, capable, strong willed, and quirky. Though I haven’t “let myself go,” I’m pretty certain he isn’t going to leave me if I put on a few pounds. And since I rarely dressed up in the first place, me bumming around in pajama bottoms all the time isn’t out of the ordinary.
I have never been cat called. No one has ever been surprised that I can drive a stick shift or a motorcycle. Random people don’t tell me to smile whilst I’m walking. I’m not afraid to walk alone at night. I have never been harassed by strangers. I have such a prominent RBF even people waving signs on the street shy away from getting in my face.
I have never been asked out in my life. I have pursued every boyfriend I’ve ever had, which is admittedly not many. I have been turned down plenty, though. I have never been hit on, by either sober or drunk people. When I tried online dating, I got a thousand replies to my profile; once I sent a few my picture, I never heard from them again. No one ever offers to help me with anything, even if I’m visibly struggling. I must ask, and am often ignored. Before I was married, guys would make “yuck!” faces when asked what they thought about me.
Overall, being unattractive has been a bonus for me. I’ve never had anyone pander to me, I know all my friends like me for me, and I’m not held to the same standards a lot of women are by society. I was a late bloomer, so not being asked out in high school was nice. And when I did get interested, I was mature enough to not let rejection shatter me. I ended up married to a nice guy with fantastic hair who was nice enough to pass that hair onto our beautiful daughter. I live a comfortable life and no one assumes I sold myself to get here. All in all, it’s pretty great.
And I suuuuure can cook!
7. When you end up with a hot girl all of your friends are really impressed.
8. If you’re an introvert, less people will make an effort to talk to you!
9. stds are more difficult to get
10. There’s never a question of my ability. Nobody’s keeping me around for my good looks. I’m a musician, and I get steady work in spite of how difficult it is for people to look at me.
11. I am a normal-looking-to-slightly-unattractive guy working as a teacher. When a woman expresses interest in me, I can basically be 100% sure it is actually based on who I am and not just looks/money because I certainly don’t have any of that.
12. Being invisible in public. I am completely ignorable. This is great for people watching and generally not being bothered. I don’t feel much pressure to put a lot of effort into my appearance, so I can wear comfortable clothes and become visual “background noise.”
Keeping my head shaved is not only low maintenance, it makes me look slightly intimidating combined with my beard and stocky frame. It can be lonely, but as an introvert it is an advantage to not be obligated to social interactions I don’t initiate.
13. There’s nothing to lose. Can’t dance? Fuck it, get out there and dance like you want to, you aren’t gonna spoil any chances of getting laid. Karaoke night? Eminem and/or Journey is calling your name, who gives a shit if you suck, you’re getting turned down 20 times tonight anyways.
But you only need one girl to think “that guy really owns his unattractive awkwardness with a self-aware confidence I actually find hot” and then you’re in!
14. Most people will be more genuine around you. Attractive people tend to intimidate others and cause them to act differently to what they normally would.
15. For real, though: romantic partners, while some may think are “harder to find” for unattractive people, will actually love you for you, and it’ll be great. By being unattractive you filter out all the fuckboys, the shallow/vain people, etc etc. Someone who chooses to love you isn’t just looking at you and seeing someone who ticks as many of the socially-expected boxes of “what a romantic partner should be” as they could possibly find; they’re looking at you and seeing YOU, and loving you for it.
So, they’re not going to one day trade you in for someone better, or decide you got ugly and aren’t worth it anymore, or treat you like just a piece of ass, or cheat on you because there’s someone hotter around. Because you’re special.
(Seriously, all the most beautiful girls I know are the ones who get cheated on and treated like shit. Same for guys.)
16. I had a short period where I was attractive, it lasted maybe 2 years. When I was attractive random men would hit on me. Guys who within a minute of conversation it would be clear that we had nothing in common and no chemistry would continue to try to get my number or whatever. Just because of the way I looked! It was tedious and annoying.
I love talking to people when there is something to talk about, but “hey you’re pretty wanna go out?” is kind of gross. Being my normal unattractive self I know that if a guy is talking to me that we actually have something to talk about, he may not be interested in me as any more than a friend or source of information but at least he isn’t wasting my time trying to catch me like some sort of trophy. It’s sad actually.
17. Aging is not as traumatic. I’m 53, and once attractive people in my peer group are freaking out about the way they are overlooked and undervalued. Not a big deal for me, since looks never provided an advantage in my life.
18. I’m a super short dude (5’2″), and way below average in the looks department. My eyes are so brown that they are almost black, and the one positive thing about my face is my big beard that covers most of it up.
All of that being said, I’ve dodged having to date a lot of superficial cunts. I’ve been told by countless girls who turned me down that they turned me down because they didn’t want to date a short guy. That kinda stung a little, but you get used to the rejection after a bit. That’s another cool thing. I’m super comfortable with rejection now. Before I got married, it happened to me so much that I just became numb to it.
When I finally met my wife, I knew for a fact that she loved me for me, and not what she wished I could be. She loved that I made her laugh, and complimented her all the time, and just generally made her feel happy. Not because I was tall, or handsome, or a good lover, because I’m not any of those things… 🙂