17 Prison Guards Reveal The Weirdest Things They’ve Seen In Prison

September 27, 2016 | 17 Comments » | Topics: TRUTH

1. I work in a juvenile detention facility. We had to put a kid in a secure room (think padded walls with a camera) because he was self-harming. When you do that you remove everything they can self harm with, so like no pencils or shoelaces or whatever. Dude pulled his braces out of his mouth and started self harming with the wires.


2. The new trend at my prison is the dudes tie a string around their dick and then attach it to their big toe going through their pants. Then when they’re talking to myself or other female staff they’ll sit there and tap their foot to get off.

I was told if I see anyone tapping their foot to ask them to pull their pant leg up and see if there’s string. Lol ridiculous Who knows what they’ll think of next”.


3. I work at a level 5 supermax prison in a small southwestern Virginia town and we had this guy. Wow, this guy. He kept getting his ass kicked and normally we kind of know why it’s happening but in this case, we didn’t. Come to find out, other inmates thought he had drugs. One day we caught him with white looking powder on his nose so we had to take him out and drug test him and cavity search him as well. This happened 4-5 times over the course of 5 months and he passed every test and search every time. Well one day we caught him. This guy was beating off, letting his jizz dry, crushing it, and snorting the shit. Good times.


4. I was C.O. for 5 years. Spent some time working in ad seg. Got cut with a razor blade across the right hand and left wrist. ~47 stitches worth. There was a guy who could fellate himself. Just the sound was enough to turn my stomach. One kid had what he called a pillow hooker. The most dangerous inmate wrote children’s books. We had a serial killer who only killed rich gay men and was and expert martial artist. He could do splits all VanDam style. Really interesting character and case. 


5. Been a C.O. for 6 years at a fairly large jail, we currently house about 2000 inmates.

One of the weirdest non butt stuff I have seen was one middle aged man who believed he had an invisible dog named Jeff. This inmate would feed Jeff, walk Jeff around the unit with a collar/leash made of toilet paper and saran wrap, and play fetch with Jeff. One day I noticed toilet paper “teepees” in his cell and random places on the ground around the unit. He said he was just lazy that day and didn’t want to pick up Jeff’s droppings.

Also it is extremely unsettling to walk by a cell and watch a man shit in his own hand and then take a bite out of said shit like he was eating a fucking snickers bar.


6. Not a CO, but was in prison for 6 months. Dude got into a fight over spades (they were gambling 5 ramen noodles a game). Well this black dude, Jay, was down 60 soups, and this white guy, Terry, called his debt. Well, Jay told him, “get it off the roof”. Basically to fuck off. Terry was always getting into fights and was basically a lunatic. He’d always yell at people and never really get physical with it. Well a few nights after the soup debacle went down, the whole pod was alerted by a loud ass yell from Jay. He’d been sliced with a razor blade. You’re probably thinking, “normal prison BS” Nope. Terry was incarcerated for giving a minor HIV. Terry had cut himself with said razor blade and then sliced Jay with it. He gave someone HIV over 20 dollars in commissary. The whole pod came to Jays rescue essentially and Terry no longer looked like a person. Apparently Terry got a life sentence on top of the 10 years he had left. And Jay is now infected with HIV. There’s a BUNCHA other stories from my six month stay but that shit was the craziest of the crazy.


7. I worked at a maximum security prison. It was right before christmas, and this guy made a christmas tree complete with a revolving train, all from paper, string, scraps of his mattress cover, and little pieces of tape that he had salvaged from his daily lunches. The conical frame of the tree was suspended with string that he had attached to his light fixture, and he used scraps of his mattress cover (which was green) to serve as the trees needles. The mind-blowing part was this: he created a wind turbine that was powered by his air-vent on a wall near the ceiling. The turbine (complete with functioning gears that he had made out of paper) turned a shaft that served as the trunk of the tree. At the base, the shaft revolved and was attached to origami boxcars that circled the tree. At first glance, I didn’t understand what it was until another officer who regularly worked the unit came by when he saw my look of awe and confusion. He was allowed to keep it up for a while but was eventually required to take it down. I think he got a write-up or sanctions for destroying his mattress. It was incredible.

Another guy painted an incredible picture of an angel on the wall of his cell, complete with a full scripture verse. With feces.


8. I was a detention officer for 6 years. One guy covered his ENTIRE cell walls in solitary with scriptures using his shit. We called him “holy shit.” Theres so many stories. I saw a guy beat another male in his tank with a mop bucket. Dude had a multitude of stitches. The best one was this time a young, frequent flyer came in and was very jittery. I asked if she had anything and she denied. I informed her if she got passed the intake process and was caught with anything she’d be charged with a felony 2 instead of a typical 3 due to it being inside the facility. She confessed the drugs were inside her vagina. So I take her to a private cell and ask her to remove them, and she pulls out 5 caps to needles. The 5 needles were left inside her uncapped. I looked at the other female guard and said, “Dude its about to get messy.” Long story short the inmate was able to retrieve them all without injury by pure luck.


9. I’ve been in my current job for about a year now and have seen some shit I never thought I’d see. Most of the craziest stuff comes from the craziest people. We had a guy come in on an out of state warrant so we were holding him until Texas came to pick him up. The kicker is that he was in one hell of a drug psychosis (I’ve actually seen 3 of these now, they’re borderline scary). He was in a safety cell for 3 days being observed every 15 minutes by whoever was on post. His log was insane.

0145 Bumping into wall

0203 Playing in feces

0218 screaming

And it went on with no sleep for days. Anyway, I was lucky (rookie) enough to get to pass meds to this guy with our nurse. She handed him his pills through the tray slot, and he took each individual pill and shoved them in his ass. I was just standing there mouth wide kinda laughing like “what the fuck”. The nurse was just like “welp. alright” and walked away. I was still watching the guy walk around amongst all his Poocasso’s on the walls when one little pink pill fell out of his ass. He eventually turned around and saw it. Of course, why waste a good pill, so he just popped that sucker in his mouth, swallowed it without flinching, and continued stumbling around the rubber room.


10. My cousin works as a prison guard, and there was one inmate who was always in his bed, under his blanket, laying on his stomach. Some of the guards would hear weird noises coming from his cell or see him moving a ton under his blanket, but he would quickly stop and flip over when he noticed them. They obviously got suspicious and decided to see what he was up to. It turns out the guy had cut a “love hole” into his mattress and had been using it to get off for the past month. Upon further inspection, there was another hole on the back side, but he flipped the mattress because the original one was caked with his baby gravy and began to smell awful. After that, he was moved into his own cell and deprived of anything soft he could stick his dick into.


11. I work in a Level 5 state prison. My first day on the job, there was an inmate in the Disciplinary Housing Unit who keeps getting sent to us from the state psychiatric hospital because they can’t handle him. When the officers working on the unit walked up to his cell, he began to rip apart his balls (with his own hands), while yelling “I feel no pain”. This was the second time.


12. Corrections officer here. I was leaving work one day when I was told to head to the infirmary. We get there and the inmate is trying to off himself. How? Glad you asked. He had bitten his IV in half and was trying to suck all his blood out through it. He also made several attempts to spit it on us. I also saw a guy making cave paintings on his cell wall. With his own feces.


13. I use to work third shift (10pm-6am) at a prison in Oklahoma. Usually in the same place until this happened. We had to do a count every hour on the hour. There was a guy in Bravo pod that would always ask me how I was doing. Never thought anything of it. During my 2am count I get to his cell and he’s standing at the door holding a piece of paper against the glass. It says “can I show you something? If yes, come back after count. If not, have a good night.” So I loudly ask, “what the hell do you want to show me?” He starts shaking his head and puts his finger to his lip, shushing me. I say whatever and continue my count. After finishing the top rung I have to walk past his cell anyway since its at the bottom of the stairs. I shine my flashlight in his cell and again loudly ask what he wanted. He proceeded to pull out his dick and started masturbating to me.


14. My old martial arts teacher was a prison guard for years. These are his stories:

15. I’ve seen people using a dildo made of dried compacted poop. So basically, they did butt stuff with butt stuff.


16. I worked in the county jails for the first 4 years of my career. We had a horseshoe shaped hallway with 5 or 6 “safety” cells. These cells are used for inmates who are suicidal or a danger to themselves. The walls are padded but still fairly hard and the inmate’s clothing is removed and replaced with a heavy garment they cannot make into a noose.

Checks are conducted every 15 minutes, for obvious reasons. One day, I had an inmate who had that wide eyed, thousand yard stare with a very unsettling smile on his face most of the time. During one of my checks, I offered him a Styrofoam container with some bread and cold cuts. He hadn’t been eating, so I was happy to see him take it.

He opened the container, removed the bread and stared at me through the glass from about a foot away. I saw him reach his had behind his nude body and watched his face strain a bit. When he brought his hand back up, he was holding mushy shit which he smeared on the bread and then pressed the two slices together. While continuing to stare into my eyes and smile, he took a huge bite from his homemade shit sandwich. I was in disbelief and walked away halfway gagging. When I returned a few minutes later with more Deputies, the sandwich was gone and he was licking his fingers.


17. My CO friend told me the story of battleship guy. So one day when he was booking in new inmates he was giving them a physical inspection to note any problems. He realized the guy had tied a string around the base of his penis and the shaft was really lumpy. After asking the guy about it, he sent him to medical to get it sorted out. After questioning the inmate admitted to stealing ceramic pieces of the board game, battleship, while at his last prison. He would then use one of the blades from his razer to cut open his dick and insert the pieces under the skin of his dick and waited for it to heal. In all Battleship guy had 14 pieces under the skin of his dick. Not just the small ships, he had the large ships in his dick too.