1. I let a girl that I had a crush on use my calculator for a maths test. When she returned it, I noticed she hadn’t cleared the calculator… I then proceeded to wank to the equations she put in.
2. When I was 11 or so, ABC aired a movie with nudity in it, uncensored and with limited commercial interruption. I’d only just discovered masturbation the previous summer. It was the 90s. I never got to see tits, like ever. But I got to see tits that night. My dad was sitting on one couch in the living room. I was layin on another couch. With a blanket over me. We watched. So many naked women. Cannot contain boner. A scene where dozens of nude women are shepherded into some sort of… chamber. Trying hard not to shake blanket while getting my strokes in. Nude women are trapped in room, scared. Then, overhead sprinklers drench the nude women in cool refreshing water, much to their nude-women-relief. I came. It was Schindler’s List. I masturbated during Schindler’s List with my dad in the room.
3. When I was a teenager I rubbed one out in the middle of a movie theater, sitting right next to 2 (both male) friends. It was during the 2002 Spiderman movie, right after Kirsten Dunst got caught in the rain….it was just too much for my 13 year old self to handle. I pulled my sweatshirt over my knees, and went at it under the tent it created. The worst part was…I looked to my right while doing it and said to my friend “are you fucking jacking off right now?” as he had his hands in his hoodie pouch.
4. My ex was hot, her mom was hotter, and wore skimpier swimsuits. Girlfriend caught me scoping her mom’s thong clad backside while inefectually hiding a boner. Argument ensued, smoothed things over, then went to bathroom to knock one out. Teenage me was ashamed, 40 year old me gets it.
5. Church campmeeting. In tent with parents asleep on other side of tent. Hear moaning from somewhere off. Figure damn someone is going at it at church camp?! That’s hot as hell! I then procede to stealth fap. Finish up. Wake up and then go meet with some people I’d met the day before. Turns out the guys friend is mentally handicapped and they were camped just a few rows over…. Not someone going at it but his brother having an episode.
6. Back in high school a friend and I dropped acid and a few hours later were walking around my neighborhood. I don’t even remember how it came up but we both were horny, which is weird for acid (for me atleast). We went on opposite sides of the road and found trees to hide behind and both jerked off. I won.
7. The Diary of Anne Frank. I mean, I obviously didn’t masturbate to all the Holocaust stuff. But it was the diary of a girl, my age (at the time), who was in the process of discovering herself, both sexually and romantically. She also includes some very detailed descriptions of her body. For a horny middle-schooler, it was a reasonable thing to fap to. But, regardless, that’s definitely the one I’m most ashamed of.
8. I used my mums phone to watch porn (already shameful) and while I was climaxing my grandmother called, so I ended up jizzing to a pic of my gram gram.
9. To this video, and the pornstar had just died that day and all the comments were saying rip. I finished, then googled to see if it was real and the shame sank in that I willingly kept going even. Yes, Amber Rayne.
10. I’ve fapped to all kinds of weird, messed up porn and fantasies. I’d be embarrassed if people knew, but that’s not the worst. My real, least proud fap would be fapping to the fantasy of having a loving girlfriend I’m cuddling and holding in my arms as we fall asleep together.
11. I tore a ligament in my dominant wrist but I don’t have enough experience to be using my other hand to masturbate so… pushed my recovery date back two weeks. Was worth it.
12. I’ve fapped to the sims “woohooing” I was young and didn’t have much material…
13. While in high school my girlfriend called me one night mid fap. She proceeded to inform me that her grandmother had died. I stayed on the phone to console her and finished the fap as I prayed with her. I’m garbage.
14. I was riding my bike home, and i stopped to rub one out on a park bench. It was dark and no possible way anyone saw me, but it was still dodgy as fuck.
15. I have to listen to my mom have sex due to how noisy she is. I feel repulsed when i hear it and put my earphones in to drown out the noise. One night i hear her going again but this time for some reason i just needed to fap so i’m listening and fapping. She’s probably dildoing herself or something. After 5 minutes i hear her walk down the hallway and come downstairs so i put my dick away and looked casual. She opened the door and she was upset. She had woken up in the night in severe pain and was actually crying from it. It’s not my fault her sex and crying noise is so similar. But yeah i fapped to the sound of my mom crying in pain. It’s one of those things that will haunt me forever.
16. When I was 12 I was staying at my grandmothers house. It was late at night and we were watching TV. After about an hour she dozes off and I switch to the Playboy channel and went to work with her 2 feet away from me.
17. I had bought a clone a willy kit to use with my girlfriend although she broke up with me before we had the chance to make it. Being curious about the wonders of the prostate orgasm I decided to make it myself so I could try fucking myself in the arse with it.
Armed with some vile porn and an array of arts and crafts tools I set about business in the bathroom. I watched the porn and got a strong erection as I measured the temperature of my water that I had to mix with the moulding powder, waiting for it to cool to 32C.
I should have used a cock ring because I completely lost my erection as I frantically mixed the moulding powder and poured the contents in to the penis tube. I did my best to regain a hard on within the time limit and tried to jam my penis in to the tube but the mixture had already set.
Feeling pissed off and horny I shoved two fingers up my arsehole and masturbated on my knees whilst thinking about my ex girlfriend until I came on the bathroom floor. When I removed my fingers from my arse there was shit on them, the scene resembled a dystopian Blue Peter episode. I’ve never felt so low after a wank as I did after that one.
18. I must have been between 10-12 at this point because it was right around the time I first discovered masturbation, so I was pretty jacked up about it. I was in the car with my mom to run an errand in our little downtown area, and she parked in the strip of spots that are literally right in front of all the local shops. Literally meaning the car is no more than 15 feet from the window of the shop we are parked in front of. My mom went inside the bakery or some shit to do whatever she had to do, and I stayed in the front seat of the car. I couldn’t wait until I got home so I figured, for God knows what reason, that I should pull my dick out and start jerking it. I can still remember looking in the fucking eyes of people walking on the sidewalk not five feet in front of me., beating my dick like it owed me money. There must be some repressed memory shit going on because I have absolutely no idea if I finished. It’s such a surreal moment in my life I can’t even believe it really happened, nor can I understand what the fuck came over me that day to make me think that was ok to do. This is the first time I have even acknowledged in any sense that that shit really happened.
19. When I was a kid, every summer I got sent to “grandma camp” where my brother, my cousins and I basically stayed in a cabin in the woods with my grandma and my great-aunt and learned bible verses and shit.
Anyway, grandma camp eventually ends and my dad is driving me, my brother, and my great aunt to her place in Jersey because she was too old to drive.
Being the little dorky 12 year old that I was, I would play games on my laptop with a blanket over my head to avoid glare from the evil sun (which I had seen far too much of already that week). So, I figured as long as I had my shields up already, why not whack it to the porn that I had stored on my laptop? I plug in my headphones and have at it.
It wasn’t until I finished that I realized, to my complete abject horror, that I hadn’t plugged my earbuds into the laptop all the way and the sound had been coming out of my laptop speakers the entire time. I had just clanged my magical twanger to porn at full volume, under a blanket, on the interstate, in a car full of my relatives, on the way home from grandma camp.
To this very day, no one has ever mentioned a thing about it. I still hope that the neurons do me a big favor and repress the hell out of the four of our memories one day.
20. I once jacked off on a plane. In my seat. With an old lady next to me. I was young and I had a large hoodie on that I had retracted my arms in as I was cold. Then I guess I realized how easy it’d be to pull my junk out under the hoodie and jerked it ever so silently.