By Nick Neeson
I get lots of introverted men e-mailing me to ask me how to become more successful with women.
Many of those questions have a common theme.
“I’ve tried out so much dating advice and it just doesn’t cut it for me. It’s draining, and I feel like I’m betraying myself. Is it possible there’s something wrong with me?”
They might not all write it in exactly those words, but that’s the general theme of the emails we receive.
Many introverted men think there’s something inherently wrong with them.
I have news for you.
THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!
I’d like to share some secrets that I feel are VITAL to understand if you’re an introvert and are wondering how to improve your love life.
The first and MOST IMPORTANT thing you ought to know is…
Most of the dating advice you’re getting is DEAD WRONG for introverts.
We know because we coach introverted men from all sorts of backgrounds, and we test EVERYTHING.
Most dating advice is focused on extroverts, and it just doesn’t cut it for introverts.
The main reason is that introverts have an opposite way of getting energy compared to extroverts.
Extroverts get their energy from interacting with people. Introverts get their energy from being alone.
Almost every piece of dating advice out there feels draining to an introvert. Heck, just reading it almost makes you feel like it’s stealing your energy.
Here is some typical advice that makes your stomach turn:
“Go to nightclubs, act like you’re the owner, and make small talk with everybody.”
“Talk to everybody that comes within five feet of you all day long.”
“Become a great and entertaining storyteller to mesmerize women.”
The problem with all this is that it reinforces the idea that there’s something wrong with them.
So, most introverted men don’t even consider improving their love life anymore.
Instead, they focus on their career, friends, and hobbies. They submerge themselves in all those other areas as a strategy for not having to deal with the real issue.
If that’s you, BE CAREFUL! This is a dangerous way to live your life.
Before you know it, you’ll get used to this lifestyle. At some point, you’ll start to believe that having success with women just wasn’t meant for you.
In most cases, it leads to one of two things.
Either you settle for a woman that you’re not attracted to, or you stay alone for the rest of your life.
Not a really appealing prospect for your future, is it?
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Here’s how you can become successful with women and dating if you are an introvert.
First, stop reading traditional dating advice. It only makes things worse because it teaches you methods that are incompatible with your very nature.
Don’t try to be someone you’re not. It’s a recipe for disaster.
Extroversion is not better than introversion, and introversion is not better than extroversion.
You just need to learn to leverage your strengths.
Let’s look at what your biggest natural strengths are.
You have many of them. I’m going to list just a few to keep this article pragmatic and actionable.
You are great at one-on-one conversations. You are a fantastic listener. You are thoughtful. Because you listen more than you talk, you are naturally mysterious. You are very good at figuring people out on a deeper level because you are focused on understanding people. You process things at a deeper level and from different angles, which again makes you very good at having deep conversations with people. People feel comfortable talking to you.
Your biggest strength is your ability to create deep connections with women.
You might be thinking to yourself, “Fantastic qualities, Nick! They always get me friend-zoned!”
Well, my friend, that’s A MYTH. It’s just not true.
Here’s the second thing every introvert needs to know:
It’s not your thoughtfulness, listening skills, or connecting skills that get you friend-zoned. It’s because of certain other things you DON’T do.
It’s not something you do. It’s something you DON’T do.
Let me explain.
Most women need to feel three different emotions before they decide to become physically intimate with you:
Attraction, connection, and arousal.
I call them the Triad of Intimacy.
As you can see, connection is only one of the three emotions.
Most introverts are good at creating a connection, but they are terrible at creating attraction and arousal.
You won’t be! After reading this article, you’ll know exactly how to trigger attraction and arousal naturally, without being someone you’re not.
To do so, you need to do two things.
First, you need to leverage your natural strengths.
Second, you’ll need to add some new skills that are ALLIGNED with your introverted strengths.
Leverage your natural strengths.
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
One of the three emotions women need to feel for you is connection.
You’re already pretty good in that department. So, keep doing what you’ve always done.
Don’t worry about the friend-zone. As I said, it’s not your connecting skills that get you slam-dunked in the friend-zone. It’s the absence of attraction and arousal.
I’ll show you how to add these two other emotions to your interactions with women right now…
Align new skills to your existing strengths.
Instead of learning flashy games and weird PUA techniques that don’t suit your personality or your natural inclinations, choose skills that are aligned with your strengths.
Of course you’ll need to learn some new skills. Of course you need to grow. But you need to grow in a way that’s authentic to who you are.
You can do that by learning new skills that build on your existing skills—new skills that only require a minor shift in what you are already doing, not a total 180.
Here’s how to build attraction and arousal by just putting a minor twist on your existing strengths.
Use your listening skills to create attraction.
Yes, you read that right. Listening is not just a way to create a connection, it’s also a way to create attraction.
You only need to it in a slightly other way. In fact, it’s not even the listening itself that’s different, it’s what you listen for that’s different.
Next time you’re in conversation with a woman, I’d like you to listen to find out if she’s your kind of woman.
In other words, I‘d like you to find out if she matches your criteria.
To do that, you’ll have to prepare a bit first.
You’ll have to make an Ideal Woman Persona.
An ideal woman persona is nothing more than a list of requirements that you want your dream woman to have.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
What character traits does my ideal woman have?
What does her typical day looks like?
What kind of activities does she do? Sports, hobbies, etc.
What values does she have?
Once you’ve made your ideal woman persona, you are ready to use your listening skills to build attraction.
Here’s how you do it.
During your next conversation you’ll be talking, listening, and building a connection as you usually do. But I want you to add something. I want you to listen with the intention to find out if she matches your wants and needs.
For example, let’s say you like women that are into sports.
At some point during your conversation, the topic of sports might come up.
That will be the perfect moment to ask her “Do you play any sports?”
Because the answer matters to you, she will feel it. She’ll see it on your face. Women are very perceptive about this. She’ll feel you are screening her.
Just the fact that you are screening her creates attraction.
This is because she’ll assume you have options with women. You have to have options with women if you are screening her. See what I mean? A man that doesn’t have options wouldn’t be picky.
In a nutshell, listening with a screening mindset implies you are pre-selected by other women. Pre-selection is probably one of the most powerful attraction switches within women. Pre-selection states that women can’t help but feel attracted to a man when they know other woman are attracted to that man.
Typical PUA advice will tell you to tell stories in which you show you are pre-selected. Don’t do it. She’ll see it as bragging. There’s no need to do that. Just ask her some screening questions and you’ll get better results because it’s more subtle. It’s also more aligned with your introverted nature.
Once she answers your question, you have two possibilities.
Either she matches your criterion or not.
If she does, you can validate her by telling her you like her answer and explain the reason why you like it.
“Not bad…I like it. Exercise is very important because it gives you energy, and it keeps you fit. It’s just so important for your health”
If she doesn’t match your criterion, just change the subject.
She’ll see in your face that you didn’t like her answer. Again, that’s because you truly care about the answer. This will make her work harder to impress you.
As you can see, it’s important that you take the time to build your Ideal Woman Persona and listen with a screening mindset.
Create sexual tension using your listening skills.
Just as you can build a connection and attraction with your listening skills, you can also build sexual tension.
Again, it’s very easy to learn because it builds on your natural strengths.
You just need to tweak the way you listen a little.
Here’s how you do it.
While listening, don’t be thinking of what to say next.
If you already know what to say or ask before she’s done talking, you won’t be able to build sexual tension naturally.
Instead, when listening, keep eye contact and build a picture of what kind of a person she is based on the information she gives you.
Once she’s done talking, KEEP EYE CONTACT, and start thinking of what to say or ask next.
Yes, you will think about your next comment or question WHILE keeping eye contact, and only after she’s done talking.
Because of that, there will be a pause in the conversation. That pause combined with eye contact creates sexual tension.
That’s all you need: eye contact plus a pause! No need for complicated routines and other techniques that make you feel like someone you’re not.
Another way to create attraction and arousal is to use touch.
There are three ways you can touch a woman.
Social touch, seductive touch, and sexual touch.
Social touch is when you touch her in places that are socially acceptable. Like shaking hands, giving her a kiss on the cheek, touching her under arm when making a point, etc. You use social touch immediately when you first meet her. The purpose of this touch is to get her comfortable with your touch.
Seductive touch is when you touch her in places that a lover would touch her.
For example, touching her hair, holding her hand, putting your hand on her waist, etc.
You only use seductive touch once she’s comfortable with your social touch.
Sexual touch is used when you start touching her erogenous parts. For example, touching her breasts. That’s usually done later in the dating process.
You only use sexual touch once she’s comfortable with your seductive touches.
By gradually escalating your touch in these different areas, she’ll start to feel more and more aroused.
Especially when you go into seductive touching. That’s because these are places that she has only been touched by previous boyfriends or lovers. These touches act like anchors. They’ll evoke those feelings of arousal. It’s like when you hear one of your favorite songs from when you were a teenager. The song catapults you back in time, and you’ll feel like a teenager again.
Most dating advice is telling you to behave like an extrovert, deploy PUA tactics, or act like a bad guy.
This just doesn’t work for introverts. It makes you feel like you have to become someone you’re not.
The best way to become successful with women and dating is to leverage your existing strengths and then add new skills that build on your strengths.
One of your biggest strengths as an introvert is to connect with people. Your listening skills are key in this.
But you need more than a connection to get the girl. You also need attraction and arousal.
This post showed you how to add a new dimension to your listening skills, so you can also use them to build attraction and arousal.
Furthermore, I showed you the importance of touch and physical escalation.
We talked about the three types of touches: social touch, seductive touch, and physical touch.
It’s critical that you learn how to use all three of them, and it’s even more critical to know exactly when to use them.
If you want to know more about how and when to use escalating touch, or if you want 100 more dating tips like the three you’ve just read, I’ve included a killer bonus package for you in my bio below.
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Nick Neeson is the world’s #1 dating coach for introverted men and the highest-paid dating consultant on the planet. He founded Introverted Badass to help intelligent, introverted men become badass with women, without losing their integrity. Introverted Badass is the market leader for introverted men looking to improve their dating skills naturally and without using lies, tricks, or manipulation. Go to IntrovertedBadass.com/Caveman Circus-Special Bonus/ to get a special bonus package related to this post. This special bonus is exclusively for readers of Caveman Circus.