The Defeatist Ramblings From The Forever Alone Community

October 16, 2018 | No Comments » | Topics: Life Experiences, TRUTH

(photo: @sashafreemind)

1. All I’ve ever wanted was just to feel what it’s like to be in love, just once.

Just once. That’s it.

All I’ve ever wanted, from the age of 16, was to fall in love with a girl who would reciprocate my feelings. I’ve wanted to feel what it would be like to rest my head on her lap while she talks about her day, to give her a loving embrace after not seeing her for a couple of days, to get butterflies in your stomach when you see her coming from a distance. To watch and laugh at shitty movies in bed one weekend, to enjoy activities that you wouldn’t normally do yourself with, to listen to a love song and see her face.

Just once I want to hear a girl I’m romantically involved with say she loves me and mean it. To help me shoulder my burdens while I shoulder hers, to be each others crutch when times are rough.

I’m 26 years old and I still haven’t experienced it. I know there are many factors as to why, but I can’t help but feel bitter that this is a normal everyday thing for most people. People get in to relationships and fall in love everyday yet here we are not having experienced even a drop of it. It makes me sad, it really does.

I even thought I accepted it, but I’m a man in his prime, its in my dna to long for companionship. I don’t know what I’m aiming at with this post, but I saw a lot of posts talking about relationships so casually and how they’ve grown from it etc, something so major and normal in people’s lives yet its an enigma to us. That is so fucking disheartening. I hope one day I meet someone, but it looks incredibly bleak.

 

2. I am tired of myself. I have absolutely no confidence whatsoever. I do not believe girls can be attracted to me. I feel like a definition of a loser. I got a job and try to attend many public events. There are always many girls but I feel very uncomfortable and anxious, always. I have no courage to even say hi to any of them. Well, actually I did attempt that a few times – only to awkwardly blurt out some nonsense and make them go away. I know rejection means nothing. But it’s not about rejection, it’s about me feeling like a creep. I am short, super skinny, I am probably average or below average looking too. I feel like I’m losing hope to make connections. Being social is such a struggle for me. It’s been years and no improvement (and I attend all those events, go out for walks, I go sit in cafes; overall to be around people, mind you). I feel like a mouse around tigers. And the fact that most men and even women are towering over me doesn’t help.

 

3. I remember when I was younger, I’d look at cute girls I see during my day and I’d get turned on or whatever, I always thought sexually.

Now, I see cute girls, and I can’t even think sexually because I start thinking about how much I hate myself and how there’s no much I’m never going to experience, and how I’m totally unlovable.

 

4. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas when the whole family gets together, all of my cousins always show up with their partner, and their children if they have some. Everybody is in a relationship, everybody has somebody, but me. I’m all alone with nobody to love.

​Out of all of my family (with the exception of anybody under 13) i’m the only one who has never been in a relationship and is still a virgin. Even my 14 year old cousin has a girlfriend, and yet here I am nearly a decade older and iv’e never even kissed a girl.

​Nobody in my family has ever been a 23 year old kissless virgin, all of my cousins were in relationship in their teens and likely lost their virginity before 21. I watched as they all found the love of their life and got married, the majority of them marrying before the age of 25. I watched as my female cousins got into relationship after relationship, boyfriend after boyfriend, with ease… While I struggled to even get a reply back from the woman I liked.

​I watched as my cousin broke up with her boyfriend and found someone new within 5 months. While I struggle to even find someone after 23 years.

​None of them can possibly comprehend my struggles… Love has betrayed me and kicked me to the curb.

 

5. No girl will ever bring me to her parents home for Thanksgiving dinner. Or wait for me in her quaint Halloween costume because I’m taking her to a house party. Or surpirse me with a birthday party with all my non existent friends who she invited. Or open presents with me on Christmas morning surrounded by loving family. Why should i even stick around. This is ridiculous.

 

6. My life is over in terms of a first kiss, dating, relationship, sex, marriage, kids….you know all the things that matter in life. I’ll be 30 soon and nothing will change now. I wasn’t able to succeed when I had my chances and I had plenty of opportunities in the past.

​I keep myself occupy with drinking, video games, and sports. All superficial things that everyone else has in addition to everything I mention above. It pains me to know that I completely fail at life. Once my bank account is drain, I think that is the end because I cannot handle any jobs anymore. I worked so hard in my life but all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

 

7. All through my childhood and adolescence I have been repeatedly praised by grown ups for being a “good boy”.

I can’t remember a single time I had caused significant trouble for my parents, or teachers, compared to my age peers at least. I kept hearing teachers tell me they “would gladly teach 20 classes full of kids like me. For free.” because I was so easy to work with. My parents had always gotten compliments about how calm and “older than his age” I was. I had never catcalled (until that one accidental time) had never come back home later than appropriate. And look where that’s gotten me. Nowhere. Now I look at my age peers that were so much trouble for their parents at the time. Almost all of them are leading happy lives with happy relationships.

The young men that used to cat call are now actually much more confident around women. The boys that caused trouble for teachers now have no trouble standing up for themselves when they need to. The ones that used to stay out late now have so much more experience interacting with people and have no social anxiety. And of course, almost all of them have grown out of these “inappropriate behaviors” and have become responsible adults. Responsible adults that have infact come further in life that I have, despite every grown up’s prediction from back when we were boys, that I was the one going to be successful.

 

8. I’m a student and I regularly study until late in the evening in the library. Today was no different, but I left a bit earlier to enjoy the nice weather at least a little bit. On my walk home, I always encounter many restaurants, cafes and old historic buildings with a lot of cosiness, which makes me feel a bit lonely from time to time, but manageable.

But then it struck me. As I was walking over the market square, I started to see every bench filled with one couple each, from the first to the last one. It felt like walking into some kind of movie scene or something. They were all laughing, enjoying and seemingly wonderful in love (writing this I notice that my description doesn’t even come close to describing the atmosphere and vivid faces that were there).

At the moment I was passing, I really thought to myself: If I had to choose between having just one evening, or even a little hour, to experience what these people are experiencing, and continuing my life, I would accept the former in a blink of an eye. To my mind, that there, was life in its most naked form, and to have lived through such a moment gave you permission to tell that you knew what it meant to have lived. Something the universe could never take away from them anymore.

 

9. Going to the mall and seeing teenage boys with girls around their arm is so depressing. They’re light years ahead of me and im already 28. Still a kissless dateless verge, this beyond pathetic. How can I even sit here and eat when it’s like we’re not even the same species? Everyone is socializing smiling and just overall having fun and yet here I sit all alone just typing away on forever alone. I was tempted to strike up a convo with a girl sitting by herself but thankfully I snapped out of it. I only would have embarrassed myself in front of all these happy people.

 

10. So the time has finally come. The time for which I’ve decided that I’ll never get a girlfriend. It happen out of the blue. I just thought to myself “Wow, I’m going to be single forever, and you know what? I’m okay with that.” At first, I was a little concerned with my new attitude. It didn’t feel like me, but at the same time, it was. I finally realized that getting a girlfriend really doesn’t matter. In the end, we’re all going to die and turn into nothingness. I guess being a nihilist kind of helped me with this realization too. After I realized this, I started looking at MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way), and boy was that interesting.

MGTOW isn’t like being an incel. They don’t hate women, they just don’t want anything to do with them, and that spoke to me. Getting a girlfriend was the goal that I’d always set for myself, but at last, a goal that would never be accomplished. But that’s okay. I’m tired of chasing after women. I’m tired of believing that getting a girlfriend will make me happy. Because in the end, it won’t. I think abandoning women is the best choice i can make for myself.

I may be a nihilist, but sometimes, I gravitate toward Buddhism. The whole getting rid of desire to reach Nirvana, that sounds pleasing to me. Girls are kind of my desire, so maybe by not being interested in them, I’ll be closer to enlightenment. Maybe I’ll meditate and pursue that later in life. So basically all I’m saying is that I don’t need women to validate myself, and hopefully maybe some of you will follow in my footsteps. If not, that’s okay. I’m not trying to push my opinion on any of you. I just want all you to be happy. So good luck to you all and I hope you all find happiness.