12 Former Forever-Aloners Give Valuable Advice On How To Escape The Dark Abyss Of Loneliness

October 18, 2018 | No Comments » | Topics: TRUTH

1. Keep putting yourself out there. You’re not gonna meet your future someone by sitting at home alone (unless it’s the food delivery person I guess). Even if you only have one friend (or none) who is available that day & can join you, still try to go to concerts, bars, bookstores, restaurants etc alone.

Also just because things don’t happen romantically with someone doesn’t mean cut them off. Sometimes people are meant to just be a fun friend/acquaintance and you can expand your social circle through them, and meet a romantic partner from that.

 

2. I was so painfully shy and insecure when I was younger. I didn’t believe anyone would see anything valuable in me. I would say don’t get caught up in thinking you’re unlovable. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with people. I spent a lot of time pushing people away because I feared rejection so much.

 

3. I know it sounds weird.. but: Stop looking and find a hobby that can involve other people. I swear women can smell desperation and loneliness. After a couple of years of dating after my divorce, zillions of first dates and women who had no long term potential, I gave up. I just did my own thing, worked on my cars with a local car club, worked, took care of the kids when I had them. Eventually, the woman I never would have sought out, unexpectedly came along. Been married 16 years now.

 

4. Get out of the house! People aren’t going to show up to your front door. The more social events/places you go to the better. I know people who complain about there not being anyone out there for them but they never give themselves the opportunity to meet new people!

 

5. I spent much of the last 5 years thinking I was done with dating, that I’d be single forever, that women my age weren’t interested in guys like me, etc. etc. etc. Make an excuse, I was probably telling it to myself.

I’ve tried online dating, I’ve tried getting “out there” and widening my social circles, doing new things. I’d had a few very brief trysts arise from my efforts, but real connections felt very scarce, which to me seemed preposterous. I live in a very progressive state, with TONS of smart, kind, witty, wild women who are involved, aware, and active. But for all my efforts to meet and hold the attention of one, I was only feeling more and more defeated over time.

The best thing you can do, I think, is to just do you. Find joy in your daily routine, in the aspects of your life that you choose. Be into you. Someone is going to notice. Confidence and comfort in your own skin is probably the most attractive quality one can project. Are you a little bit weird? Fucking go with it. Own it. Revel in it. Someone out there is gonna find your quirks adorable, even sexy. I’m 35 years old and I still have trouble believing myself to be an attractive individual. But I am also an incredibly harsh critic of myself, and I think many of us are, too. Just accept and love yourself, embrace and live the shit out of your life. Someone is going to want in.

 

6. I didn’t meet my wife until I was 30. My 20’s were quite lonely having had only one real girlfriend. Now that I’m married with 2 kids, my advice for anyone younger and trying to meet a partner in life, is that you need to be upfront about your feelings, and not be concerned about rejection. None of the rejection will matter when you get older. In the moment in can feel bad, but instead you should think, “oh well, they didn’t like me, I will go try another one”

 

7. Become okay on your own first and foremost and recognize that there are things about yourself that people will not like and will disqualify you from their dating pool and that’s okay! I lost over 140lbs and have quite the amount of loose skin and once I realized that some quys and gals just wouldn’t be down for that and that’s alright I started to be okay.

I let potential dates know before hand and if they were like, “eww no.” Then I knew that that wasn’t someone I would want in my life anyway.

Other guys I told about it would try to shower me with compliments and say, “no, you’re perfect,” but I could tell they cringed.

My current boyfriend saw a picture of my skin, nodded took a breath and said, “babe, your shit’s fucked.”

I love that asshole.

 

8. Try to do something that allows you to meet new people. And I don’t mean it in a romantic way like go on dates, but, you know hang out with people, get to know someone new. This way even if you don’t find someone to date, you can get to know someone and they will introduce you to someone else and so on.
I mean, I know it’s very easy to just sit at home and be like “Well, if it’s my fate, he/she will find me eventually”. Especially if you’re a girl (like me), it’s easy to think this way and not even try to put in any efforts. But it doesn’t work this way. Push yourself, be proactive, put yourself in situations where you might meet someone, even if they’re sometimes not so comfortable for you. Even statistically the more people you meet, the more are the chances that one of them will end up that special someone.

 

9. I was a shut-in ages 13-17 because of my family’s abuse and bullying in middle school. My therapist, family, family’s friends, etc. were all skeptical of my ability to live a “normal” life — I basically spent all day playing Runescape, procrastinating in online school, and roleplaying on weird niche websites. I had severe anxiety, depression, and body dysmorphia, so any hallmarks of a “normal” life seemed totally out of the question. Especially romance and sex, because of the body dysmorphia.

Some stuff happened, and I ended up moving out at 18. Into my own apartment. Everyone thought this was completely insane, of course, but it worked.

I think the most important part was that I had to rely on myself, which involved, like, ordering at restaurants. Or buying vegetables at the farmer’s market (the closest market to my house). Or working on my laptop in a coffee shop because they had free internet and a good parfait. I don’t know — no one reacted to me like I was some crazy monster with a hideously wrong face. So I started talking to people, who mostly assumed I was a real person and not someone who until recently would go days at a time without bathing (alternatively: bathing 6 times a day), waking up only to play Skyrim, eating chips for every meal. I was mostly just so shocked each step of the way — shocked that people were reacting to me like I was normal — that I didn’t even really think about romance until it happened organically. And after that, I felt normal, because I had done lots of normal people things and I didn’t feel like I was pretending anymore. So, it was easier the next time.

It’s cliche, but I think the only reason any of this happened was because I put myself in a position where I had no option but to do a bunch of things that seemed terrifying and impossible before. And it’s easier to do things when you have to, and if everything is something that used to be completely impossible, there’s not that big a gulf between, like, buying a watermelon and talking to the person sitting next to you?

 

10. Stop trying too hard. It makes you seem needy. Instead, concentrate on getting your shit together and become a functional adult. That’s what serious women are looking for, or at least, the kind you want to build something durable. Looks come as a distant secondary concern. It should be the same for you, by the way.

 

11. FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

That’s the most appealing energy you can have. Doing you. Your goals, dreams, work, exercise.. everything for yourself. Once you radiate positivity and confidence the whole fucking world comes calling.

 

12. This is nothing revolutionary, but just putting yourself first, and grasping every opportunity that comes your way. One night when I was playing pool with a buddy, I missed an opportunity with a girl because I was too scared to do anything. The next night, someone asked if I wanted to go out for a few drinks, and I really wasn’t in the mood. I was still pissed off at myself from the night before, and was in full self-hate mode. But I decided I wasn’t going to miss out on any other opportunities and was just gonna do it.

So I went out, only thinking about having a good time; drinking beer, shooting pool, playing darts, all the good stuff. Then on the bus on the way home, some girl caught my eye. It was the same girl from the night before. It just seemed like a sign, and of course, I didn’t let that opportunity pass me by again. It’s only been 6 months, but we’re still going strong, and I feel lucky every day to be with her.

It still scares me that I very nearly didn’t go out that night. If I’d been mopey and miserable, I’d have missed out on the best thing that’s happened to me. So just get out there, try to do more things, and you will find someone when you least expect it. And when a friend asks if you want to do something, say yes. It could just be the best decision you ever make.