4 First Hand Accounts Of Different Life Experiences

June 19, 2019 | No Comments » | Topics: Life Experiences

What’s it like to regret having your child?

I regret having my 9 year old with autism and oppositional defiance disorder every single day. She is very verbal and can be as sweet as a peach when she gets her way, but doing the hard work of parenting her correctly has been a nightmare.

She was an unwanted pregnancy when I was a dumb 20 year old. I was in a lot of psych meds before I realized I was pregnant that I think messed her brain up. I had taken plan B perfectly like on the instructions the one time I had unprotected sex, I figured that would have been the end of that worry. I didn’t realize I was pregnant until she was about 10 weeks gestation and immediately stopped taking my meds but alas. By the time I could get the money together for an abortion (the closest planned parenthood was a 7 hour drive so no-go there) the pregnancy was too far along. I wish I would have looked into adoption now.

Bio dad has never been in the picture and the first five years were pretty rough but manageable since I had family help and a super supportive husband. Once she started kindergarten she was getting suspended from school constantly for stupid shit like throwing an empty water bottle at the principal or hitting her teacher. Her IEP was essentially worthless and I couldn’t hold down a job or go to school because I had no one to watch her every single week at random times I’d get called to take her home for 2-3 days at a time. So I did what I thought was best and we packed up and moved out of state with her to a much more supportive area with better schools.

We have been here for three years and it’s been hell. Her professional supports – school, in home therapist, the community have all been outstanding but I have no support for myself besides my husband and we are moving back to our home state in three weeks because I’m becoming too ill myself from all of this. She bites, kicks, screams, runs away into traffic, calls us grotesque names when she doesn’t get her way.

Wednesday I had to call the police because she refused to get into the car when it was time to go home and when I was finally able to literally drag her kicking/biting/70lb ass into the car and close it she tried to bust the window open. She took an ambulance ride to the hospital and was a little angel for them when she calmed down and they said she wasn’t a threat and sent her home.

I am very bitter and resentful, I’ve done everything I can for her to give her a good life – she has in home specialists come to teach her coping skills 5 hours every week, she is in one of the best school districts in Pennsylvania, I pay for acting and swimming classes for her but when I sit down and have to discipline her or make her do her homework, I get verbally and physically abused and there’s only so much one person can take when you give-Give-give and get nothing in return. I feel guilty because her baby brother is neurotypical and we have a very strong bond and I love him more but I am becoming more apathetic every day to my toxic feelings towards my daughter.

Almost always I hope that when we move back home that she gets arrested and ends up in juvenile detention so she can see how good she has it at home with me and so I can get a break from her.



What’s it like to be abducted by aliens?

I never told anyone this story because I never thought they would believe me…

I was home along one evening and had gone to sleep for the night. I live with my SO and two indoor cats but she was out of state traveling for business. I woke up in the middle of the night (wasn’t sure of time but it was completely dark) because my body was freezing cold. I actually like it cool when I sleep and usually have the temperature around 70 degrees or colder since I live in central Texas. But this was different, I was ice cold but wrapped in blankets (it was middle of summer so evenings aren’t cold). When I grabbed my phone to look at the time, it seemed to be off and I pressed the ON button but it didn’t turn it on. Since I was half-asleep, I shrugged this off. I walked out of my bedroom to go adjust the thermostat and noticed that the cats weren’t around. This was weird because these furballs are always hanging out in the bed or around the bed. Anyhow, I walked to the thermostat and tried to adjust it but the power to the thermostat (I have a Nest) was nil and the power to the house seemed to be off. I peeked out of the upstairs window to see if any of my neighbors were having power-issues and notice that all of their outdoor lights were working just fine. From the time I woke to this moment was probably 1-2 minutes maximum. I decide to wander downstairs to grab some water but am startled when I realize there is a glow of light coming from the first floor. The way my house is situated, I couldn’t see the light until I had approached the stairs. I found this odd because the power seemed to be out just upstairs (which didn’t make a lot of sense). I started walking down the stairs and began to hear a faint humming noise. The noise had a high pitch to it with arbitrary pulses of low sounds; almost like a muffled weedwacker that someone is throttling at random. As I continue to walk down the stairs, I spot a dark, slowly-moving figure in the room with light at the bottom of the stairs. The next step that I take feels like I walked off the side of a cliff or was sucked into the floor. That is really the best way I can explain it because I don’t remember what happened after that moment, I just lost all feeling from my body. My next memory is waking up again to the sound of my phone’s alarm. Everything seemed back to normal. I sat there in bed (cats back to being lazy in bed next to me) and tried to think about the 2 minute incident that happened in the middle of the night. I am not a sleepwalker and I was definitely not dreaming.

My security system’s app shows the time whenever a door is opened or closed. I realized that my security system was disarmed on the app and that the front door had been opened and closed several times throughout the night. I pulled up my security footage from the exterior cameras and was surprised to learn that there was ZERO footage from the night. Like the motion sensors reacted to a random car driving-by around 10pm and then the next thing is another random car in the morning. So someone/something walked in and out of my front door but the cameras did not capture any footage. My neighbor across the street has a good security system that points at my house so I asked if he can review the footage from his cameras. I told him some made-up story about how I thought someone had broken into my truck. Anyway, he said it was weird because when he pulled up the footage from that night, his cameras did not record anything. Just a time gap once again.

My first thought was that I was sleepwalking and that the memory was a dream but it just couldn’t have been. When I looked out of the window in the middle of the night, I distinctly recall a red pickup truck parked the wrong direction in front of the neighbor’s house. I always notice when cars are parked left-wheel to curb because I’ve gotten a ticket for this in the past. Anyhow, the truck was not there before I went to sleep (based on footage) but was there in the morning (based on footage). So the truck was there when I saw it in the middle of the night. I definitely woke up in the middle of the night, cold as ice, no cats, no working phone or thermostat, saw the truck out of the window and then got warped by something on the stairs.

A couple additional things were different in the house. The security system was disarmed and I definitely armed it before going to bed. The light was still on downstairs and that was absolutely off before I went to bed. My whole body smelled like burnt marshmallows. I know this is weird but it’s really how it smelled. And lastly, my 55 gallon fish tank that sits at the bottom of the stairs in the entryway was missing 2/3 of the water! Seriously, where the fuck did 40+ gallons of water go? The whole area around the tank was bone-dry and the fish were fine. I think I was mind-fucked by some thirsty aliens

– Michael Cuz



What’s it like to kill someone in self-defense?

Back in the mid 2000’s I was going through a divorce. My whole emotional state was in chaos. I was pretty much a functioning alcoholic. And very, very angry.

So I went to a gas station to get smokes after a particularly bad fight with my wife (we were selling the house that I had built) and I was so angry, so hurt.

As I was pulling out of the gas station some guy came rocketing out of the car wash area and cut me off. Being in the state of mind I was in I let loose a long spew of profanity at him, really nasty stuff.

He must have been having a bad day because before I knew it he was in park and around the front end of his car coming at me with his hands up. I boxed Golden Gloves in my youth and the hands up is a universal sign, I was in my car with the window down and very vulnerable. His front end was blocking mine and I was boxed in.

So I jumped out of my car and stepped out of the door’s way and the dude was literally 5 feet from me coming at me with a vengeance. Hands up and ready.

So I threw a straight right at him. I don’t remember trying to throw it hard, I just did it kind of like a batter with two strikes trying to protect the plate. It worked. I hit him right on the point of the chin. His eyes rolled up immediately and he started going down and hit the side of his head on a curb. It was the first part of him to touch the ground.

And it killed him. Brain bleed. He lasted a week I think. He had other medical issues as well that exacerbated it (his wife and I talked a lot at the hospital). She never blamed me which I am very thankful for because I sure blamed myself for many, many years. Turned into a non functioning alcoholic, was almost homeless. My whole body hurts thinking about this.

I still feel awful, still cry it out sometimes. I used to have nightmares about his 2 daughters. They were teenagers. They needed their daddy. And my actions took that from them.



What is it like to be student at MIT?

The first thing I felt upon arriving at MIT was disbelief – disbelief that I had been admitted to the school that produced Nobel laureates and unicorn founders and made some of history’s most groundbreaking scientific discoveries. MIT had tens of thousands of applicants to choose from to fill their incoming class, and they chose…me? MIT had been my dream college for years, and I used to practically worship MIT students—and now, somehow, I was one of them.

Following that was the joy of being able to connect with interesting people—in high school, few of my friends cared to have deep technical conversations, but people at MIT loved them. I never had to search for long to find a group of friends who wanted to hypothesize with me about the possibility of colonizing Mars or try to estimate the number of blades of grass in Massachusetts.

After this initial honeymoon phase, however, I and many other students became deeply intimidated by our classmates. In high school we were all easily at the top of our respective classes in most, if not all, subjects, but now half of us were among the bottom half of the class. Before MIT, I knew a few people that I considered to be much smarter than me, but it was easy to accept that of all the people in the world, a handful operated on a level higher than I did. In contrast, these unfathomably intelligent people were suddenly everywhere—suddenly I was the one asking others to slow down their explanations so I could understand, instead of the one giving the explanations. Multiple times, my friends came out of an exam laughing about how easy it was while I had only managed to get through half of it. Unsurprisingly, a large number of MIT students are affected by Impostor Syndrome (Impostor syndrome – Wikipedia).

I also quickly realized that academics at MIT were not the same as academics in high school—rather than struggling to channel the discipline to finish all the busy work, I now truly struggled to understand the concepts, and no amount of discipline was going to help me. When I tried to load up on high-level classes and extracurriculars as I saw some of my friends doing, I quickly became overwhelmed and wanted nothing but for it to be over. During the fall semester of my sophomore year (by far my toughest semester), I was going to bed at around 4am on average, and I pulled multiple all-nighters. The struggle is perhaps somewhat romanticized before and after the fact, but while it was happening, all I wanted was another hour of sleep. During this time I grew envious of those who seemed like they could do it all—take twice the standard load of classes, lead multiple extracurricular organizations, and still find the time and energy to go out on Friday and Saturday night.

On a happier note, I found that I felt incredibly liberated at MIT. MIT students are some of the least judgmental people you’ll ever meet, and this created an atmosphere where I felt emboldened to try new things without the fear that I’d embarrass myself. I’d never been much of a performance artist in high school, but in college I joined an a cappella group (in which I stayed from my freshman year until graduation) and gave hip-hop dancing a whirl. This was probably my favorite part about attending MIT—I felt like I’d worry too much about making a fool of myself at other places, whereas at MIT we encouraged each other to make fools of themselves all the time. Letting go of this worry gave me the freedom to try many things I’d never even considered before, and as a result I grew much more as a person than I would have otherwise.

There isn’t really a good way to summarize in a couple of pithy sentences what it’s like to be an MIT student—the only way I could think of to describe it was with a list of largely unrelated paragraphs. Of course, there’s many more nuances that I haven’t covered here, and other people may have had vastly different experiences, but this covers the most important dimensions of how I felt during my time at MIT.

– Thom Lu

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