What’s It Like To Be A Hikikomori

August 8, 2019 | No Comments » | Topics: Life Experiences

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Hikikomori

The Japanese term hikikomori refers to people who avoid personal or social contact and live in self-imposed isolation for an extended period—six months or longer, as defined by the Ministry of Health, Labor, and Welfare. The same term refers to the phenomenon of social withdrawal exhibited by these individuals. The recluses commonly live at home with their parents, holed up in their bedrooms, neither supporting themselves financially nor functioning independently.

I was 16 when I dropped out of public school to finish up online. That is when my prolonged bouts of social isolation started. I had friends, but these friends were people I abused drugs with (to cope with our life circumstances), as they weren’t socially adapted like most people our age.

As time went on I ended up cutting off all contact with them and haven’t contacted them since age 18. I haven’t had a social outing in 5 years. It’s liberating but embarrassing at the same time to be saying that.

I moved out a few days after I turned 18 into an apartment paid for by my parents. I’ve been here in this 2 bed apartment for 5 years. I can go months without leaving my apartment.

I’m so pathetically apathetic/majorly depressed/self-hating/unmotivated that I have allowed and manipulated/encouraged my mother to come over and pre-make all my food for me (salads, pre-cooked meat, etc) for a few days at a time.

She comes over every 3-4 days to clean my entire apartment (dishes, trash, etc) and drop off my food. She’s been doing this the past 5 years so I don’t have to leave my apartment, even if it’s something trivial like bringing in a case of water; she does it ALL. She’s running out of energy and she’s getting reoccurring back injuries and shoulder pain from all the lifting she does. I can’t honestly tell you I feel sorry for her or guilty for her pain. I simply have removed all empathy from my being as a way to look out for myself and my “selfish” needs in order to minimize suffering and cope with my dissipating youth.

I literally do nothing to help her but retreat to my room where my computer is and wait patiently for her to leave. I can’t bare to see her. Although I am minutely thankful for her “helping” me with the necessities, I genuinely deep down have an innate hatred for her. She is arguably at the epicenter of all my suffering in life.

I am Hikikomori/NEET because I absolutely hate the way my face looks and I feel as if I’m not tall enough or robust enough body-wise. I have no motivation to better myself because the foundation of my life (my body/looks) is fundamentally flawed and subhuman.

I hate her because I inherited her objectively unappealing features via genetic recombination.

I can say — with confidence, that I just want to continue to be left alone. I can’t stand to face reality or the outside world and all the difficulties that would inevitably await me.

I do think about suicide a lot but I wouldn’t do it because I have a strong survival instinct and I would only be open to suicide via a certain pharmaceutical that is virtually unattainable.

It’s kind of liberating — to give up all hope in life. I feel so old. The past 5 years have flown past me in the blink of an eye. It’s all such a blur. The entire 5 years was spent watching youtube videos, playing video games and sleeping. The entire time, literally.

Everyday is the same, there is no difference as the days go by. What I do today Is the same thing I did 5 years ago when all of this started to get serious.

It’s hard to find people online who live such a life like me. There are days I want to cry but I can’t get anything out and it leads to anger.



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