By Nick Notas
I see a lot of guys who are afraid to challenge themselves socially using the excuse: “I’m an introvert.” They claim that because of this, they don’t have what it takes to become good at connecting with women. They believe their brains aren’t wired that way and there’s nothing they can do about it.
Here’s something that might shock you…
I’m an introvert! Yes, me, the guy who’s always preaching about pushing yourself to meet new people.
How is that possible? It’s because the real difference between introversion and extraversion is often misunderstood.
Most think that being an introvert automatically means you’re shy and lack confidence. Therefore, an extravert is confident and social. It’s not true at all. While there are correlations, the distinction between the two comes down to:
How you recharge or expend your energy.
Introverts tend to lose energy in large social settings like parties, bars, clubs, and larger groups. They feel drained and to regain that energy they require alone time or intimate interactions. They tend to feel best when with small groups, close friends, or relaxing on their own.
Extraverts tend to lose energy when they’re alone and it can actually frustrate them. Instead, they feel refreshed when they are surrounded by many people and in vibrant environments. All that energy empowers them and gives them the boost they need.
Guys are taught to be nice to women and that women like nice guys. We’re told that girls like nice guys, bombarded with romance stories of guys going above and beyond for women they care about. That the guy who stands outside a girls window at midnight playing music will get the girl etc.
When really, 99.9% of the time, doing these things for a girl you like just comes off as a creepy or makes her not respect you. The reality is girls like a lot of different things, but overall, women want a guy who’s independent and they have work to get their attention. Guys are similar in this aspect. A lot of us, when it comes to dating, we don’t want a girl who’s too clingy. This doesn’t mean hard to get. I’ll use an example. Texting. If you’re always free, and always available to a girl, you become less attractive. If she texts you, and you respond immediately every time, she’ll think you’re always free and don’t have a life. If you’re out doing things, and respond "Hey, was out fishing with buddies, what’s up? Grab a drink tonight?" You have a life outside her, she’ll want to be a part of it if she likes you.
It’s a weird thing being a guy. If we’re attractive to the girl, we can do a LOT of things that would ruin it for any other guys and she’ll stick around. I’ve done my fair share of stupid things when it comes to dating, things I look back on and cringe. A lot of these things worked though.. Sad part is, a lot of those messages work if the guy is attractive. Attractive guy walks up and says some stupid pick up line? A lot of girls will laugh at it, no matter how dumb or sexual. Thing is, we can all be attractive if we carry ourselves well, and dress appropriately. It doesn’t mean following fashion and being obsessed, just know what you look good in, and wear your clothes well. For example, I’m a southern guy at heart, I love the outdoors, and I love being comfortable. If I’m going out to a bar, I’ll wear jeans, a comfortable tshirt, and a hat (I’m bald), but I wear these things well, and I get a lot of compliments.
Being nice doesn’t work. Be yourself, have your own life outside of women. Don’t bend over backwards because you somehow think she’ll sleep with you if you help her move. Do things because it’s the right thing to do. If you like a girl, and she asks you to do something, imagine it’s one of your guy friends or a girl you’re not attracted to. If you’d still do it, then go ahead. If you’re at the point where she’s treating you like a friend, then that’s likely all she wants. If you’re looking to date a woman and she’s not interested move on or be a friend. Ask her for advice, see if she has any friends that she thinks would be interested. Ask if she’ll come out and help find a date with you. Don’t become ‘friends’ with women just for sex. If that’s what you want, you have to find it outside of that area.
by Nick Notas
Sometimes women will be direct and tell you when they’re not interested. Most of the time, however, they’re much more subtle. This unfortunately causes many men to chase women that they shouldn’t waste their time on.
You can try to rationalize why girls are denying your advances and ignoring you. You can think, “There must be some other reason why things aren’t going anywhere.” You probably have a hard time accepting that a woman’s just not interested.
And when you finally realize the truth, you refuse to let go. You try everything in your power to change a woman’s mind. But by the time you’re getting the cold shoulder, it’s usually too late. A woman knows early on whether or not she’s attracted to you.
When a woman wants a man, she won’t let him slip away so easily. She’s going to invest in him. She’s not going to say, “I like this guy so much. I should dodge him, not hang out, and frustrate the hell out of him!”
It’s time you take the hint. Stop wasting energy on women who aren’t really interested. The amount of emotional turmoil you put yourself through just isn’t worth it.
She doesn’t return your texts or calls
There are times when you get a girl’s number and reach out, only to have no response. Or you might message a girl, she briefly responds, and then suddenly…radio silence.
So you start scrambling for a way to get a reply. You blame your own lame texting skills or hope, “Maybe she didn’t get my messages.” In almost all of my experiences as a coach and as a man: she got your messages and is choosing not to respond. If a girl really likes a guy, she’s going to maintain communication.
I can also almost guarantee that the problem wasn’t your texting. It’s because you didn’t make a strong enough connection in person when you met her. Because if you had, she’d be giving you something to work with now. I’ve seen guys have terrible remote communication but because they sparked a connection in-person, the girl will still engage them over text.
It’s nearly impossible to build attraction or make a women suddenly feel something for you over phone or chat. Next time, work on your in-person communication. It’ll be that much easier to have a girl reply with excitement and to get her out again.
by Nick Notas
“What do I want?”
When’s the last time you asked yourself that question?
I bet it’s been a while. Especially when it comes to women, you’ve likely asked yourself what she wants. What will look good in her eyes, get a laugh, or make a good impression? What will make her (and only her) happy?
For a long time, I focused on ensuring everyone around me was satisfied. I became a passenger in my own life. My actions were based on what I thought would make people like me. I even felt guilty for just thinking about getting what I really wanted.
People would ask favors and I would say yes when I didn’t want to. I’d analyze my words to make sure they were phrased to my audience. I hid my opinions out of fear of being rejected even when I felt I was right.
I was miserable, frustrated, and always got the short end of the stick. I didn’t have the life I hoped for and I blamed everyone else. You know what changed it all?
I started putting myself and my needs first. I became “selfish” — and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
I’m not advocating disregarding other people’s feelings or becoming a total douchebag. I’m talking about fulfilling your needs before fulfilling the needs of others, also known as “You can’t truly love someone else until you love yourself.”
If you’re not honest with yourself, you’ll always struggle. You’ll struggle to build genuine connections and become self-confident. You’ll struggle with independence and not being needy. And you’ll build resentment and lash out against others as a result of this frustration. It’s a vicious cycle of unhappiness.
My goal is to show you why supporting your own needs plays a critical role in your happiness. Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned by making myself priority #1:
Most guys make the mistake of making friends with a girl first in the hopes of working it into a meaningful relationship later.
This couldn’t be more wrong. Not only are they wasting their time and money on the girl, but they are also digging their own graves.
These men wait around with their heads down in the hopes that she will change her mind and become romantically interested in them. However, these men fail to recognize the most basic facts: If she wasn’t interested in you romantically in the beginning, what makes you think she will change her mind later?
What makes you think she’s not using you as a surrogate boyfriend until she finds somebody she really wants?
What makes you think that she isn’t just around for the ride while you spend your money and time on her?
The "Friendship Zone" is a trap… a trap so elaborate and strong that freeing yourself out of it is about as easy as climbing Mount Everest.
To her, being friends with you means she doesn’t have any sexual attraction towards you or have any romantic interest in you. You’re simply around to kill boredom or until she finds something else better to do.
She may at one point in time have found you attractive, but since she’s spent enough time with you, she now believes you are as challenging as a game of checkers with her grandma. You simply do not stir the electricity in her body and that’s why you are who you are: A Friend!
More often than not, once a girl has made you a friend, getting her to think of you romantically is damn near impossible. And this is what you’ll hear:"Can’t we just be friends?"
Just because you get along with her and are compatible with her in a lot of areas doesn’t mean you are compatible intimately. Besides all this, she knows you too much already, all the sense of being mysterious and being a challenge is already gone. You are basically in arms reach for the girl and about as exciting as a G-rated movie on a Saturday night.
You’ve probably heard the phrase “Nice guys finish last” and perhaps you’ve experienced it as you watch pushy, inconsiderate guys get the job you want or get the romantic attention of someone you’ve been pining for. It doesn’t seem fair, does it? There’s nothing wrong with being nice, but when you’re so nice to everyone that you stop being nice to yourself, your efforts can backfire. Here are some ways to show people that you value yourself and that they should value you, too.
1. Know the signs of being a “Nice Guy”.
- They believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, that they will get happiness, love and fulfillment in return.
- They offer to do things for a girl they hardly know that they wouldn’t normally do for just anybody else they know.
- They avoid conflict by withholding their opinions or even become agreeable with her when they don’t actually agree.
- They try to fix and take care of her problems, they are drawn to trying to help.
- They seek approval from others.
- They try to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
- They are always looking for the “right” way to do things.
- They tend to analyze rather than feel.
- They have difficulty making their needs a priority.
- They are often emotionally dependent on their partner.
Relationships are like the Big Bang of pick-up. All the rules break down. There are no routines to fall back on, and you are forced to reveal your truest self. What follows is a short list of principles I’ve found to be true in most relationships and for most (healthy) women. They are not rules. Think of them more as guidelines that can help you stay healthy, positive, and open while keeping things in perspective. Bombs away.
1. WOMEN WANT TO HAVE FUN
The old song is true. Girls just want to have fun. If you and your girl don’t have fun, don’t expect her to stick around. This is why, in surveys, women consistently list a sense of humor as the most desirable trait in a partner. It is really difficult to overstate how much this is true.
1a. Here’s what this means for you:
Learn to have fun at any time, no matter what you are doing. And don’t do it for her. Do it for yourself. If you can develop a sense of self-enjoyment, you will never be bored. For example, if you and your lady are walking, and you see a jungle gym, and she squeals and makes a break for it, don’t sulk and quietly wait for her to finish playing. Instead, run as fast as you can, push her out of the way, climb to the top, rip your shirt off, and scream, “I am the king and this is my kingdom! You will never defeat me, infidel!” And when she tries, pounce on her and tickle her until she pees in public. It doesn’t have to be that extreme, of course. Throw popcorn at her during a movie. If she drags you into a women’s clothing store, pull some shiet off the rack, try it on, and ask the clerk’s opinion. Tackle her into bed. Smile. Laugh. Make some memories, for fuk’s sake. Be playful, and never, ever say no to fun.
1. Understand what a gold digger is, and is not. There’s nothing wrong with a person being concerned about your financial stability. A long-term partnership means depending on each other through the ups and downs, and being financially reliable does help with that to a degree. The difference between a gold digger and someone who values your role as a provider is that the gold digger would deride and perhaps leave you if you lost your ability to provide for them financially. A good person can appreciate your financial resources, but a gold digger appreciates only that, and will not see the relationship as worthwhile if you’re not well off.
2. Gold diggers drop hints that they’re having trouble paying their bills (sometimes they might even ask you directly for a “loan” to tide them over).They know that you don’t want to see them get an eviction notice, or get their car repossessed, and you’re a good person who’s in a position to help. But there’s a difference between a gold digger and someone who’s just fallen on bad times. What you should be looking for is if, despite their situation, this person is making poor financial decisions. Do they buy a brand new car with luxury features when they’re struggling to pay rent? Do they buy $300 shoes or watches when their phone service is at risk of getting cut off? Do they go to expensive restaurants when their credit cards are maxed out, because they “work hard” and they “earned it”? Many gold diggers know better than to ask you to fund their more luxurious tastes, at least in the beginning; they’ll tap into your desire to help them afford the things they need (food, shelter, transportation) so that they can spend their own money on the things they want.