Here’s a video from the Onion News Network interviewing an ex-pedophile, who shares tips to make your child less attractive to pedophiles. From the look of the guy, I am pretty sure the “ex” is premature.
Here’s a video clip of a fat kid sings about being fat with incredible insight.
Doctor: “You’re doing fairly well for your age.”
Patient: “You think I’ll live to be 80?”
Doctor: “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?”
Patient: “No, I’ve never done either.”
Doctor: “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
Patient: “No, red meat is unhealthy!”
Doctor: “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, such as playing golf?”
Patient: “No, I don’t.”
Doctor: “Do you gamble, drive fast cars or fool around with sexy women?”
Patient: “No, never!”
Doctor: “Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?”
Here’s an awesome little video of a goat that can say “what”. Althought it might be a little difficult to hear the goat because of the laughing cow in the background.
Let’s not forget about the fainting goats:
…and the goat that yells like a man….
My job is so fcuking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fcuking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fcuking dog to work. Every fcuking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fcuking day.
Anyway, I drive these fcuktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shiet.
I always thought Link would retire in the mushroom kingdom. He’d find his way there from some wayward pipe underneath Hyrule castle. I don’t know why, that’s just how I saw things going down.