Life Experiences

What’s It Like To Witness An Execution?

November 27, 2017 | 2 Comments » | Topics: Life Experiences |

I wrote the following description of having just witnessed an execution while in the passenger seat of a car driving away from the prison. I wanted it to be as accurate and detailed as possible…

I came to Oklahoma to witness a killing, a homicide in fact.

At a microphone Debbie Huggins fights tears and with a strong southern drawl says slowly, emphatically: “What we did to him today was much kinder than what he did to my dad.”

“Him” refers to Michael Selsor and “what” to the murder of Clayton Chandler, a clerk shot six times during a gas station robbery in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Selsor pulled the trigger even after Chandler had complied and volunteered the loot.

“In 1975 I never would have thought that it would take 37 years for justice,” Huggins says.

Today’s justice was delivered about half an hour before Huggins approached the microphone; it is why I am here.



What’s It Like To Be Lured Into A Cult

November 14, 2017 | No Comments » | Topics: Life Experiences |

How long were you a cult member, and what was the organization like?

I was brainwashed for a little under a decade. It was a small but fervent, insular organization led by a very charismatic, psychologically imbalanced “prophet.” His message was simple, but convincing: That our only responsibility was to love each other and the rest would fall into place. Not a difficult mantra to embrace! Contact with the outside world was prohibited, but once I was fully indoctrinated I wasn’t even interested in the outside world. I wanted to stay pure and radiate love like my brothers and sisters.

At what point in life were you introduced to the cult?

I met the cult recruiter at 16, shortly after running away from home—from the Midwestern town where I’d grown up all the way to San Francisco. Looking back, I see that I was in a vulnerable, transitional state. I know now that that’s what cult recruiters look for—they prey on people who’re displaced, or seeking answers in life. At the time, though, I was an over-confident teen who thought she could take on the world all by herself. I thought I knew exactly what I was doing, but really I was lost as hell.


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Confessions Of An Adult Baby

November 8, 2017 | 2 Comments » | Topics: Life Experiences |

Can you explain a bit more about what an “Adult Baby” is?

This is a complicated question which means a lot of different thing to different people. The basic definition is an adult who enjoys infantile things. I myself love to get in my sleeper or onesie and let my mind just flow away. It’s super relaxing to do.

So do you poop in a diaper? Who cleans up the mess? Is it a sexual thing?

I do not, because I do not like the smell or the cleanup afterward. It is not sexual. I do not get aroused by the idea or the trappings. In fact, it has the opposite effect. When I’m in that mind frame, sex is far from my mind. I really just want to be held or hug a plushie and have someone tell me they love me. It’s a comfort and protection thing.



What It’s Like to Almost Get Executed

November 8, 2017 | No Comments » | Topics: Life Experiences |

I was supposed to be executed one minute after midnight on February 10, 2004.

In the lead up to that day, I was moved to a new cell where prison guards could check in on me every hour to “make sure I was all right.” The prison also started sending a psychiatrist — it was clear that they wanted to make sure I was not going to commit suicide.

This went on for a few days, and then things slowly started to get more intense. I was awakened in the middle of the night, handcuffed, taken out of the cell, and placed against a wall. One of the guards started taking photos of me and said that these were the last images the world would see of me.

One day I was taken to the Lieutenant’s office, where she and a prison doctor were waiting. The Lieutenant told me to pull the sleeve of one of my arms up so that they could see my veins. I initially resisted, so the Lieutenant left and returned with a tourniquet in her hand. She tied it around my arm, and all my veins came to the surface. Then she and the doctor went about their task of documenting the good veins in my right arm. She did the same to my left.

About a week after that, I was taken to see another doctor for a check-up. The doctor took my blood pressure.

It was high.


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What’s It Like To Have ADHD As An Adult

November 2, 2017 | No Comments » | Topics: Life Experiences |

I’ve spent my whole life wondering why I procrastinate on things I enjoy doing. I think I’ve figured it out, and it’s really fucking stupid.

Intellectually, I know that the future is a real thing. There is, in fact, a time other than now. I know that. But I don’t believe it.

My brain thinks time is a myth and there’s no such thing as tomorrow. No matter how many times tomorrow comes, it refuses to believe that it will happen again. It’s like I think the world is going to end in 15 minutes.

And if the future doesn’t exist, future happiness can’t exist either. I should be writing right now. I enjoy writing. But I’m not currently writing, so the happiness I would derive from writing is obviously fake. ~Obviously~.

I do this shit with everything. Writing, reading, talking to friends, going to the gym, throwing the ball for my dog, even playing a fucking video game. I like all those things, but at this precise moment I’m not experiencing pleasure derived from them, so it clearly can’t be real.


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Confessions Of A Dude Who Spent 11 Years In Prison

October 19, 2017 | 3 Comments » | Topics: Life Experiences |

What happened?

Basically I was obsessed with a girl from school. Like psycho obsessed, and when I finally developed the courage to ask her out, she said no. I fucking snapped and went to her house in a kinda hostage situation and stabbed her. Horrible shit man. I have horrible remorse for it. She is “ok” in that she is alive and well, but what I did to her will last forever

What’s your background story? Drugs, broken home, mental disorders? What made you become that kid that would shoot up your school if given the chance? Were you the weird kid or was this kinda out of no where type of shocking news to everyone around you type of thing?

To be kinda quick about it, my dad was very abusive. He would beat the fuck out of my mother and us. I was severely overweight my entire life, had no friends at all. I stayed in my room and played video games nearly every day. Therapy wasn’t an option, because men don’t go to therapy. I had this intense rage built up for so long that it kinda exploded. Btw, I’m not blaming them, because plenty of people have grown up with those same problems. I made a choice and I had to own that



What Is It Like When One Of Your Parents Gets Alzheimer’s?

October 17, 2017 | 1 Comment » | Topics: Life Experiences |

I knew right away that something was different.  My 74 year old mother and I had been very close all my life.  (She lived with my family.)  When her personality started to change I couldn’t understand why.  She loved crafts, gardening, singing, piano, anything creative, but all of a sudden she wasn’t interested in her hobbies.  She just wanted to sit in her chair and watch TV.  We started to argue.  It reminded me of when I was a teenager 25 years earlier, how we would squabble over stupid things.  Then she would get angry at the littlest thing and slam her bedroom door in my face.  

Nothing made sense, why was she changing?  Was she mad at me?  Was she depressed?  Should I take her to a doctor?  

One day she would be grumpy and then the next she would seem fine and we would go shopping for new flower bushes, have a great lunch out and come home laughing.  Cook a ham, play some scrabble, help the kids with homework, she was an integral part of the family.  I kept thinking… oh good, it’s all over now.  

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What’s It Like To Be A Member Of A Triad?

September 26, 2017 | 3 Comments » | Topics: Life Experiences |

My involvement began in high school. There was nothing dramatic about it, I just became friends with a bunch of people I thought were cool and one thing led to another.

High school gangs are like triad training schools. They are not part of the triads per se, they’re more of a triad Mickey Mouse fan club where a group of young wannabes strut around pretending to be something they’re not. You’d be surprised at just how many of these there are.

The leaders of these high school gangs are usually affiliated with a low ranking triad member, called a 49 in triad lexicon. These are the foot soldiers. The 49 functions as big brother whose help the boys would call on in case of trouble, but big brother is also a scout who kept an eye out for promising young talent.

I must’ve seemed like one, because I was soon introduced to the 49er’s tailou (big brother), who was also a 49er. We met a few times at a local disco, snorted cocaine, gargled ketamine, popped ecstasy, and soon he trusted me enough to put me in charge of a few high-school gangs.



Confessions Of A Las Vegas Stripper

September 20, 2017 | No Comments » | Topics: Life Experiences |

How close are you to completing your medical degree?

Nice, I love the cliches. Used to be one but sadly no plans to complete. Going in a different career direction

How did you get into stripping?

Long story short, I was a waitress at a shitty restaurant. I saw an ad in the paper for a cocktail waitress at a strip club. Went in for the interview, the manager said I was too pretty to waitress and I was going to dance. I told him to go fuck himself. Then I figured I couldn’t judge it if I didn’t try it, so gave it a go! I actually think it’s super fun. I’m outgoing and don’t have any body image issues so it’s great.

What is your stripping name and how’d you choose it?

Vanessa. It’s easy to say, pretty, customers think it’s sexy and I like “V” names.


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What Is It Like For A Woman To Go From Physically Unattractive To Attractive

September 19, 2017 | 4 Comments » | Topics: Life Experiences |

It feels good most of the time, but it can be quite frustrating. Many people assume I’ve always looked the way I do now, and that as a result I must be a snob, or have some sort of sense of entitlement.

My case is extreme in the sense that I went from literally being invisible to men for the majority of my life, to receiving comments daily from men all over the world telling me I’m beautiful. As an adult film performer I am somewhat in the public eye, so I get a lot of attention for and comments about my appearance.