Story

Holy Smokes! I Think I Just Found The Crazy Of Craziest First Date Encounters

October 11, 2011 | 1 Comment » | Topics: Story |

crazy girlfriend

(via)

I was at a party once, and got approached by a girl. She wanted to set up a double date with me and my buddy- and her and her friend.

My friend and I accepted (his date was kinda ugly, but he agreed to take one for the team) . The day of the date, the ugly friend cancelled on him, which was probably because it was just a setup for me and girl A in the first place. Ok! Sure, we go on.

So we set up a movie, and go see it. After the movie, she wanted to go back to her dorm / apartment complex and hang out with her pals. The date was going ok, so I agreed (It wasnt odd, college age, I was 20 or so, I think she was 22). So we hang with her roomies for a while, things are ok, then they want to go out, so they leave. I offer to leave, like a normal gentleman, and she indicates I should stay for a little.

I agree. We put on another movie, and I make a move to kiss her, and we kiss for a minute or so……….then………suddenly…..

She pulls away without warning and immediately gets really agitated. She wants to know where things are going, and before I can answer she begins crying very, very hard. She goes off on a tangent for about an hour about all these very odd issues she’s having and how nothing is right and all men are going to abuse her (wtf?) and so on.

Now within the first minute of the freak out I’m thinking, “ok, this is over. Let’s find an exit strategy, this girl is obviously not ready for anything.” But this was a mistake: Because I start asking questions, out of morbid curiosity. As it turns out, I’m like the second person she’s ever kissed…….

……and how she’s a virgin, because her mother was super overbearing and never let her date, and told her all men were going to kill/ rape her and leave her in a dumpster. She thinks cause I kissed her that we have to have sex now, but first she wants to call my parents and make sure I’m not an axe murder. Can she do a background check on me and see my grades? Oh now wait it’s back to the sex subject and she says wants to but she’s afraid and doesn’t know what to do, and so at this point I stop her.

I tell her that I’ve had a few girlfriends in my time, and that she’s better off finding someone a little less experienced, since she’s not. I tell her I’m not interested in sex right now, nor a relationship (well I totally was on both parts, but not with crazy people). I tell her the connection between us was good it’s just not right for us to sleep together.

She cries really hard again, but agrees that it’s not the right time, not the right person, etc.

I go home, chalk it up to a bad night. Now, mind you, all this girl had was my name, and telephone number. I think she had the telephone number of my friend.

The next morning, at 7:00 A.M. or so, I get a knock on my door. I don’t live on campus, I live waaaay off campus with roommates. It’s her. Now I’m freaking, cause how did she find my house!!!! She’s got flowers, with a card. She’s still crying, and she apologizes for her behavior the night before, and wants me to wait to read the card until after she leaves. I agree, and she tearfully walks away. I go inside.

The card says (i’m paraphrasing of course) “I really like you, I know I probably scared you away, but if you ever want to give it a shot, give me a call” . Right about the time I think, “well, maybe someday…” An INTENSELY loud pounding starts on the front door.

I answer, it’s her, she’s SCREAMING and in tears. I ask why, and she’s livid at me for not reading the note and chasing after her.

Now I’m thinking WTF x ten to the millionth exponent. But I calmly explain I need some time to think about it, especially since she just started trying to break down my door. She falls on the floor crying. I attempt to console her, and she flails at me and cries harder. I wait for like ten minutes for her to stop crying, and she agrees to give me some time. She walks away again.

It’s not 30 seconds before the pounding on the front door starts again. This time I’m done, I’m not going to answer.

I explain what;s happening to the roommates, and they don’t answer either. She spends the next hour screaming threats at the front door , crying and pounding on the door. I was just about to call the police before she left.

The next morning, she repeated the whole thing with a bigger bouquet and slightly less screaming, more pitiful crying, and only about 15 minutes, cause I threatened to call the police through the door and she called me a ‘limp dick motherfcuker’ and ran away.

I saw her only once more, about five years after, and after a friendly hi, she told me that she was really glad we hadn’t dated. Because she had a new boyfriend now, and that I was probably never going to change my mind. The guy was there with her, and I’ll admit she was a hottie, but the guy looked like quasi-modo.

 

1 Comment »

A Real American Hero

October 10, 2011 | 5 Comments » | Topics: Awesomeness, Story |

ed freeman

You’re a 19 year old kid

You’re critically wounded and dying in the jungle somewhere in the Central Highlands of Viet Nam .

It’s November 11, 1967. LZ (landing zone) X-ray.

Your unit is outnumbered 8-1 and the enemy fire is so intense from 100 yards away, that your CO (commanding officer) has ordered the MedEvac helicopters to stop coming in.

You’re lying there, listening to the enemy machine guns and you know you’re not getting out.

Your family is half way around the world, 12,000 miles away, and you’ll never see them again.

As the world starts to fade in and out, you know this is the day.

Then – over the machine gun noise – you faintly hear that sound of a helicopter.

You look up to see a Huey coming in. But.. It doesn’t seem real because no MedEvac markings are on it.

Captain Ed Freeman is coming in for you.

He’s not MedEvac so it’s not his job, but he heard the radio call and decided he’s flying his Huey down into the machine gun fire anyway.

Even after the MedEvacs were ordered not to come. He’s coming anyway.

And he drops it in and sits there in the machine gun fire, as they load 3 of you at a time on board.

Then he flies you up and out through the gunfire to the doctors and nurses and safety.

And, he kept coming back!! 13 more times!!

Until all the wounded were out. No one knew until the mission was over that the Captain had been hit 4 times in the legs and left arm.

He took 29 of you and your buddies out that day. Some would not have made it without the Captain and his Huey.

Medal of Honor Recipient, Captain Ed Freeman, United States Army, died August 20, 2008 at the age of 70, in Boise, Idaho

May God Bless and Rest His Soul.

Medal of Honor Winner Captain Ed Freeman

5 Comments »

Major Ownage!

October 4, 2011 | 3 Comments » | Topics: Funny Pictures, Story |

general cosgrove

For those that don’t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an “Australian treasure!”

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You’ll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

3 Comments »

Quite Possibly The Most Awesome Craigslist Missed Connection Of All Time

September 26, 2011 | No Comments » | Topics: Funny Pictures, Story |

flash drive vagina

You stuck my flash drive in your vagina – m4w – 25 (philadelphia)

Date: 2010-04-20, 3:04PM EDT

You stuck my flash drive in your vagina. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I don’t think this is a fad sweeping the city, so this one’s for you.

We met at a Millcreek Tavern. You said you were from Lancaster. You were beautiful, you liked me. It was perfect. But then…

We went back to my apartment. We watched The Breakfast Club. You had never seen it before. We then ended up in my bed, as planned. And had sex, as planned.

You looked beautiful half covered in my sheets when I left to use the bathroom. When I came back, this is what I saw:

You standing naked at my computer. You with your hand on the keyboard, not typing. You grabbing the flash drive.

The flash drive pops out.

You look at it.

You squat a little bit.

You insert it into your vagina, like a tampon.

I am speechless.

You proceed to get dressed, say you have to go home, and leave. The number you gave me doesn’t work.

I am confused. I’d like to see you again. I’d like to see my flash drive again.

Your name is Rebecca. You have long blond hair.

Please get in touch. I am a very understanding person.

Location: philadelphia
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1701584027

No Comments »

Another Hilariously Awesome Story Inspired By Crap And Diarrhea

September 23, 2011 | 2 Comments » | Topics: Funny Pictures, Story |

shiet story

So, i was sitting there in my philosophy class trying to crack my back in my chair, and this hot girl saw me. I mean she is really, really hot. I have kind of a thing for her for the last couple months, and we smile at each other and stuff, but she sits far away, so we don’t usually say much more than “hi”. Anyway, she saw me doing that and it was before class actually started, so we could move around and stuff, so she came up and offered to crack my back for me, and i thought it was kind of weird, but i accepted. So, i stand up and she crosses my arms in front of me and stands right behind me and sort of picks me up onto her and bounces me (have you ever seen people crack backs this way? i have, but it is hard to explain)

Anyway, it wasn’t working, so she tried a huge bounce. Something popped really loudly, but then when she set me down i couldn’t feel my legs it was like they were totally asleep. So i collapsed in a heap on the ground, my legs going off in weird directions. Then i heard a really loud farting noise and proceeded to diarrhea in my pants, i was so embarrassed and i looked up at her face and she was just disgusted and everybody was like what the hell is going on so i tried to get up and run away, but my legs didn’t work. I couldn’t move, and over the next thirty seconds or so, my colon emptied really loudly. My teacher was really mad and thought i was just being a freak shietting on the floor, but after a while, they realized i wasn’t kidding around and called an ambulance.

So i went to the hospital, and as it turns out when she cracked my back somehow my spinal cord got pinched between my vertebrae and they straightened it out with some emergency surgery and now I am completely fine.

2 Comments »

It’s Stories Like These, That Make Me Feel Better About Myself

September 22, 2011 | No Comments » | Topics: Funny Pictures, Story |

fart

About half an hour ago, i farted. Sitting at my computer as i do most of the time, this is something i’ve grown used to, but this fart really f* stank. Seriously, it was like eleven dead animals with shiet mixed in. I was sick and tired of having farts smell so terrible. But did i do what the sensible person would do, and get up and wait for it to disperse, perhaps taking with me the resolution to change my diet to better influence my smells? No, i did not. I took what i considered to be the alternative route.

I stuck a mint up my ass.

I figured that, since it dissolves in saliva, my ass would server a fair job of dissolving it, thus lining the end of my colon with a nice minty extract and making my farts the kind that goirls would like to make out with. Somewhere along the line, however, it apparently didn’t work out the way dissplvet mint would be absorbed into the walls.

Anyway, around 20 minutes passed, and i had to fart again. Being of a scientific mind, i decided this would be where i’d prove of disprove my hypothesis, so i let her rip.

Oh god. It wasn’t a fart. It was a fcuking butt sneeze.

The mint had been dissolved, that much was clear. But what was left was spearmint jelly mixed with shiet, and it was all over my boxers and running down my leg as i ran to the bathroom. I cleaned up my boxers as best i could, scrubbed my leg, and tossed the underwear in the wash. So overall an embarrasing experience, and one i wouldn’t want to relive.

However, it was worth the noting:
That shiet jelly smelled fcuking awesome.

No Comments »

Holy Crap! How Awesome Is This Story About Being Socially Awkward

September 14, 2011 | 3 Comments » | Topics: Funny Pictures, Story |

pet rock

This was freshmen year of college and jesus fcuk I should really be making a throwaway account for this but fcuk it. It was a thursday night and I was drinking in a room with some girls I randomly met at dinner at the dining hall in a dorm across campus. I was flirting with a cute blond girl and she started tickling me while I was taking a sip of beer. I chocked on the beer but didn’t want to spit up in her face so I used all my will power to stop my fcuking coughing instantly but in the process I had let out a small nugget of shiet. Thank god I was wearing jeans because the nugget remained balanced on the side of my shoe. I told the girl I had to go to the bathroom and shuffled out like drunk zoidberg sweating like crazy from nervousness. Halfway down the hall she calls out to me and said I dropped something, fcuk. I see my dark brown nugget of shiet a few feet behind me and her walking towards me. I did the only thing I could think of doing and I tossed her the nugget of shiet and told her it was “my lucky rock”. As I’m turning around to leave I witness this drunk freshman girl catching my shiet in her hands and that image was and will be burned in my mind forever. The next day I cancelled my dining plan to avoid ever seeing any of those girls again and eventually had to drop out due to extreme social anxiety later that semester.

TL;DR I gave a girl a piece of my shiet and told her it was my lucky rock.

3 Comments »

You Should Read This Of The Day: The Fisherman And The Businessman

July 18, 2011 | 3 Comments » | Topics: Story |

fisherman

There was once a businessman who was sitting by the beach in a small Brazilian village.
As he sat, he saw a Brazilian fisherman rowing a small boat towards the shore having caught quite few big fish.
The businessman was impressed and asked the fisherman, “How long does it take you to catch so many fish?”
The fisherman replied, “Oh, just a short while.”
“Then why don’t you stay longer at sea and catch even more?” The businessman was astonished.
“This is enough to feed my whole family,” the fisherman said.
The businessman then asked, “So, what do you do for the rest of the day?”
The fisherman replied, “Well, I usually wake up early in the morning, go out to sea and catch a few fish, then go back and play with my kids. In the afternoon, I take a nap with my wife, and evening comes, I join my buddies in the village for a drink — we play guitar, sing and dance throughout the night.”

The businessman offered a suggestion to the fisherman.
“I am a PhD in business management. I could help you to become a more successful person. From now on, you should spend more time at sea and try to catch as many fish as possible. When you have saved enough money, you could buy a bigger boat and catch even more fish. Soon you will be able to afford to buy more boats, set up your own company, your own production plant for canned food and distribution network. By then, you will have moved out of this village and to Sao Paulo, where you can set up HQ to manage your other branches.”

The fisherman continues, “And after that?”
The businessman laughs heartily, “After that, you can live like a king in your own house, and when the time is right, you can go public and float your shares in the Stock Exchange, and you will be rich.”
The fisherman asks, “And after that?”
The businessman says, “After that, you can finally retire, you can move to a house by the fishing village, wake up early in the morning, catch a few fish, then return home to play with kids, have a nice afternoon nap with your wife, and when evening comes, you can join your buddies for a drink, play the guitar, sing and dance throughout the night!”
The fisherman was puzzled, “Isn’t that what I am doing now?

 

via Paulo Coelheo

3 Comments »

A Possibly Life Changing Story That You Should Drop Everything That You Are Doing And Read Now

June 21, 2011 | 3 Comments » | Topics: Story |

the egg andy weir

The Egg

By: Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

(more…)

3 Comments »

4 More Brutal Prison Stories To Keep You Scared Straight Out Of Jail

April 27, 2011 | No Comments » | Topics: Story |

prison stories

Here are 4 more brutal stories that will help you understand the vicious and predatory environment of prison. All these stories aren’t isolated events, in all honesty they are commonplace in an environment where murderers, robbers, gangsters and the like congregate. For all those likely headed in the direction of prison, if you don’t have a clear understanding of what really goes on in there; the politics, the power struggles, the power moves, the chess game, the weapons, the drugs, the racial barrier, respect, people with life sentences with nothing to lose, the people that really run the prison….you’ll be fcuked, figuratively and literally. Watch carefully.

(more…)

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