Story

Bert ‘THE MACHINE’ Kreischer Recalls His Russian Mafia Story…You Need To Listen To THIS!

November 29, 2011 | No Comments » | Topics: Funny Pictures, Story |

Holy Fcuk! Bert Kreischer is a god among men and can tell a Russian Mafia story like it’s no one’s business. It’s 11 minutes of solid story telling and even though I have the attention span of a gnat, I had my ears, eyes and mind glued to the screen for the entire time. Do yourself a service and listen to the damn thing.

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True Story, Bro

November 29, 2011 | 2 Comments » | Topics: Story |

true story

Alnght, so I’m 16 (as most of you know) and (much like most teenagers) I was speeding (I was going like 85 in a 40). Anyway so I get pulled over. I’m like FCUK! (because my parents said if I got a speeding ticket then I wouldn’t be driving for a long time). Anyway the cop comes up to my car, and he did the typical "Do you know how fast you were going" and here’s my response "Yes, I was going 85, I’m really sorry, but my grandmother is in the hospital and I have to hurry!" (I was really hoping he wouldn’t say what he said) then he said "Okay, I’ll take you to the hospital" so I’m following this police car going like 85 mlles an hour and he takes me to the nearest hospital. I park and get out and start to kinda jog to the door. Then (this is the part where I was like "FUUCK!") he gets out and comes in with me to see my grandmother (who actually isn’t in the hospital). So I think really quickly and I’m like… Hm…. what disease can my grandmother have that would make it so she wouldn’t remember me. Alzhiemers! So I go up to the front desk and I’m like "Where are the Alzhiemers patients? (trying to sound in a rush) so the lady tells me and I start jogging towards the elevator and I head up to where the alzhiemers patients are. I run into some random room and I’m like "Grandma!" and she’s like "Who are you?" and I try to start fake crying and I’m like "Her memory is almost gone…" and then the cop leaves, I leave, and get home without a ticket. Like I said… I’m probably going to hell.

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The Friend Zone Is Beatable! Here’s One Guy’s Story On How He Overcame That Vortex Of Doom

November 15, 2011 | 3 Comments » | Topics: Dating, Story |

success baby

(via)

It was september 2010, my first year in college and I am a computer science major. In one of my programming classes there was a rather attractive female, ill call her HB10, who was really passionate about programming. This was a fcuking turn on for me. I started talking to her and we quickly became study partners. I would text her almost daily. This was a big mistake. I think she was into me nonetheless. I finally got the balls to invite her over to my place to study instead of the library. She fcuking set up camp on my bed. I sat at my desk like an IDIOT. Didnt make a move. Sat there imagining hooking up with her. I had only made out with one other girl which is a funny fcukkkking afc story, but i digress.

(more…)

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How Awesome Is Charles Bukowski’s Hangover Story?

November 4, 2011 | 2 Comments » | Topics: Story |

Charles Bukowski is a man amongst men, a writer, a poet, a drunk, a womanizer, a man who tells it like it is and pulls no punches. Listen to his hangover story and be in awe of the awesomeness that is Charles Bukowski.

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For All The Aspiring Pickup Artist Out There, This Story Will Put A Smile On Your Aspirations

October 28, 2011 | 9 Comments » | Topics: Dating, Story |

awesome pickup story

(via)

I’m in a town I’ve never been to. I had to go to FedEx and found myself standing at the stop light waiting to cross. This girl asked if I knew how to get a taxi and I said, “Oh, I’m not from here.” I was going to just keep walking, but there was something there. I don’t know, it must have been me eyeing her up and down. She’s part Lebanese and Italian. She has Olive skin and green eyes. WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE. But instead of being a little biatch and just awkwardly walking away I introduced myself and then said, “You know what? Follow me, I’ll find us a Taxi. I need to get somewhere too.”

I flagged down a taxi and we both got in. I made some jokes about both of us being foreigners to the city and then the guy who was driving us got upset because we got stuck in traffic, I said, “Oh, don’t worry about it man. I’m totally cool with being stuck in a car with a hot girl.” She shot me a smile and I said, “Hey do you think I could convince you to go to dinner with me tonight?” She was hesitant but then I said, “What do you have to lose, really? I mean it’s not like you have anything to actually do tonight, right?” She said yes and we were on our way. I let her change in my hotel room and I got showered and she dressed UP and we went to dinner. I treated her, we talked, we moved from superficial things to talking about our families and our lives. I asked her to tell me a secret and she ended up doing so. I made fun of her for being so nervous around me. We had a really good back and forth energy. I would make fun of her and then talk about something. I asked her about herself, and then she asked about me. I joked that she was actually a con artist and that she was seducing me at dinner so her con artist friends could break into my room and steal all of my clothes. And when we went back to get her stuff, she was going to stab me in the back with a syringe and as I was falling asleep, she would kiss me and the last thing I would see is her saying goodbye.

When we finished up at dinner she grabbed my hand and we walked up to my room. Everything was PERFECTLY set up. When we got inside she stood next to my bed and I said, “Can we skip the part where you stab me in the neck with a syringe?” she smiled and kissed me. I held her wrists in case she was a crazy murderess. But it turns out she wasn’t.

All of this JUST happened so excuse my rush. It was amazing and she is a really freaking awesome person. Thank you seddit. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Cliffnotes: Met a girl way out of my league, took her out, got past all the stupid awkward obstacles and ended up making out with her. She really really likes me.

UPDATES

She texted me last night when she got home. I forgot to mention that she was about to rape me, but had a 2 hour drive home and work early in the morning. She was in town because she spent the weekend with her friends and had left her car in another town over. Her message to me last night when she got home was filled with, “<3 <3 <3 <3” and “Thank you so much. You are so fcuking wonderful.” and other girly shiet like that. She wants to fly out to my state to see things. I’m freaking floored. I have no idea how this girl who is easily a 9 on my scale would want me. I’m seriously just this dorky, nerdy Asian engineer who sits around playing videogames and shiet all day long. She is half lebanese, half italian and has gigantic doe eyes that are green and a body that r/xsmall would murder me for. She’s basically some idealistic version of what I pretend I deserve. Whatever the case, I’m not going to question this shiet.

 

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The Weekend Is Over But The Blacked Out Drunk Memories Will Last Forever…Here Are A Few Awesome Recollections

October 16, 2011 | 2 Comments » | Topics: Awesomeness, Funny Pictures, Story |

passed out drunk

(via)

Doing shots at last call at a bar. Hammered. Guy asks me and 3 friends to go to a strip club after last call. Time passes, we buy a case and consume more beers on the way to said strip club. Get to strip club. Forget why I am there. Brown out. Come out of brown out to a stripper sitting on my lap giving me a beer and hot dog I didn’t pay for. Brown out again, come to heckling the strip club DJ with my friend. Brown out yet again ensues, come to in a Denny’s 6 miles from my house with pancakes in front of me. Black the fcuk out. Wake up in the remains of my roommates bed (I somehow shattered the frame) covered in Mardi gras beads with a stolen handicap parking sign on the floor next to me. Stay in school kids.

 

Woke up in Seattle (I live on Vancouver Island, in Canada).
The night before I got just about to the point where I blacked out, proceeded to do some hippie flips at a forest party (hippie flips are a cocktail of ecstasy and mushrooms).
So, I ditched the ex-girlfriend without her knowledge, apparently hopped in a car with a group of chicks from the states, proceeded to fall asleep on one of their laps in the back of their car, and drove across the island, was on the ferry where I apparently woke up and was quite coherent, and then proceeded to get back in the car, fall asleep all the way across the boarder. No one woke me up and the next morning I woke up in a really nice house in Seattle.
No one in the house except one of the girls room mates. He laughs. We Get baked and play Halo all day till the girl comes back from work, I have no ID so I hide in the backseat under some blankets like a little mexican later that evening and get smuggled back to Canada. Once I get home, everyone thought I got eaten by a bear/cougar and are mildly relieved to see me.

 

I went out drinking one night, the last thing I remember is getting a beer at an after bar party. I woke up on the porch with a road cone under my arm and a sweatshirt as a pillow. The sweatshirt had the name Allie on it. I don’t know an Allie.

 

I’m from Miami and I got really drunk on the beach one night and passed out. Woke up at around 5 or 6 am with a couple of bums who apparently had found me spread eagled below the high tide line and carried me to safety. They were super nice and I got us all breakfast afterwards.

 

Went out drinking one evening with some friends and (so I’m told) left with a pretty nice looking girl to accompany her back to her place.
The only thing I remember is blacking out in the middle of drinking straight from a bottle of whiskey and waking up alone. I went to explore, not recalling how I got there, and found an empty apartment, save for a stove and fridge. The fridge had a bottle of wine and some mustard in it.
Upon further inspection, the mattress I’d woken on had no blankets and was just laying in the middle of the clean, but empty floor. I booked it out of there, found a gas station, and called a buddy of mine. After some more investigating, I found out I was about 3-4 hours away from my starting destination.
Good ending, though. I don’t have any STDs or missing organs from the incident and none of my stuff was stolen! Hurrah! Still, never saw the girl again and nobody knew her from the party. She was a ‘friend of a friend’ or something.

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Holy Smokes! I Think I Just Found The Crazy Of Craziest First Date Encounters

October 11, 2011 | 1 Comment » | Topics: Story |

crazy girlfriend

(via)

I was at a party once, and got approached by a girl. She wanted to set up a double date with me and my buddy- and her and her friend.

My friend and I accepted (his date was kinda ugly, but he agreed to take one for the team) . The day of the date, the ugly friend cancelled on him, which was probably because it was just a setup for me and girl A in the first place. Ok! Sure, we go on.

So we set up a movie, and go see it. After the movie, she wanted to go back to her dorm / apartment complex and hang out with her pals. The date was going ok, so I agreed (It wasnt odd, college age, I was 20 or so, I think she was 22). So we hang with her roomies for a while, things are ok, then they want to go out, so they leave. I offer to leave, like a normal gentleman, and she indicates I should stay for a little.

I agree. We put on another movie, and I make a move to kiss her, and we kiss for a minute or so……….then………suddenly…..

She pulls away without warning and immediately gets really agitated. She wants to know where things are going, and before I can answer she begins crying very, very hard. She goes off on a tangent for about an hour about all these very odd issues she’s having and how nothing is right and all men are going to abuse her (wtf?) and so on.

Now within the first minute of the freak out I’m thinking, “ok, this is over. Let’s find an exit strategy, this girl is obviously not ready for anything.” But this was a mistake: Because I start asking questions, out of morbid curiosity. As it turns out, I’m like the second person she’s ever kissed…….

……and how she’s a virgin, because her mother was super overbearing and never let her date, and told her all men were going to kill/ rape her and leave her in a dumpster. She thinks cause I kissed her that we have to have sex now, but first she wants to call my parents and make sure I’m not an axe murder. Can she do a background check on me and see my grades? Oh now wait it’s back to the sex subject and she says wants to but she’s afraid and doesn’t know what to do, and so at this point I stop her.

I tell her that I’ve had a few girlfriends in my time, and that she’s better off finding someone a little less experienced, since she’s not. I tell her I’m not interested in sex right now, nor a relationship (well I totally was on both parts, but not with crazy people). I tell her the connection between us was good it’s just not right for us to sleep together.

She cries really hard again, but agrees that it’s not the right time, not the right person, etc.

I go home, chalk it up to a bad night. Now, mind you, all this girl had was my name, and telephone number. I think she had the telephone number of my friend.

The next morning, at 7:00 A.M. or so, I get a knock on my door. I don’t live on campus, I live waaaay off campus with roommates. It’s her. Now I’m freaking, cause how did she find my house!!!! She’s got flowers, with a card. She’s still crying, and she apologizes for her behavior the night before, and wants me to wait to read the card until after she leaves. I agree, and she tearfully walks away. I go inside.

The card says (i’m paraphrasing of course) “I really like you, I know I probably scared you away, but if you ever want to give it a shot, give me a call” . Right about the time I think, “well, maybe someday…” An INTENSELY loud pounding starts on the front door.

I answer, it’s her, she’s SCREAMING and in tears. I ask why, and she’s livid at me for not reading the note and chasing after her.

Now I’m thinking WTF x ten to the millionth exponent. But I calmly explain I need some time to think about it, especially since she just started trying to break down my door. She falls on the floor crying. I attempt to console her, and she flails at me and cries harder. I wait for like ten minutes for her to stop crying, and she agrees to give me some time. She walks away again.

It’s not 30 seconds before the pounding on the front door starts again. This time I’m done, I’m not going to answer.

I explain what;s happening to the roommates, and they don’t answer either. She spends the next hour screaming threats at the front door , crying and pounding on the door. I was just about to call the police before she left.

The next morning, she repeated the whole thing with a bigger bouquet and slightly less screaming, more pitiful crying, and only about 15 minutes, cause I threatened to call the police through the door and she called me a ‘limp dick motherfcuker’ and ran away.

I saw her only once more, about five years after, and after a friendly hi, she told me that she was really glad we hadn’t dated. Because she had a new boyfriend now, and that I was probably never going to change my mind. The guy was there with her, and I’ll admit she was a hottie, but the guy looked like quasi-modo.

 

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A Real American Hero

October 10, 2011 | 5 Comments » | Topics: Awesomeness, Story |

ed freeman

You’re a 19 year old kid

You’re critically wounded and dying in the jungle somewhere in the Central Highlands of Viet Nam .

It’s November 11, 1967. LZ (landing zone) X-ray.

Your unit is outnumbered 8-1 and the enemy fire is so intense from 100 yards away, that your CO (commanding officer) has ordered the MedEvac helicopters to stop coming in.

You’re lying there, listening to the enemy machine guns and you know you’re not getting out.

Your family is half way around the world, 12,000 miles away, and you’ll never see them again.

As the world starts to fade in and out, you know this is the day.

Then – over the machine gun noise – you faintly hear that sound of a helicopter.

You look up to see a Huey coming in. But.. It doesn’t seem real because no MedEvac markings are on it.

Captain Ed Freeman is coming in for you.

He’s not MedEvac so it’s not his job, but he heard the radio call and decided he’s flying his Huey down into the machine gun fire anyway.

Even after the MedEvacs were ordered not to come. He’s coming anyway.

And he drops it in and sits there in the machine gun fire, as they load 3 of you at a time on board.

Then he flies you up and out through the gunfire to the doctors and nurses and safety.

And, he kept coming back!! 13 more times!!

Until all the wounded were out. No one knew until the mission was over that the Captain had been hit 4 times in the legs and left arm.

He took 29 of you and your buddies out that day. Some would not have made it without the Captain and his Huey.

Medal of Honor Recipient, Captain Ed Freeman, United States Army, died August 20, 2008 at the age of 70, in Boise, Idaho

May God Bless and Rest His Soul.

Medal of Honor Winner Captain Ed Freeman

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Major Ownage!

October 4, 2011 | 3 Comments » | Topics: Funny Pictures, Story |

general cosgrove

For those that don’t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an “Australian treasure!”

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You’ll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

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Quite Possibly The Most Awesome Craigslist Missed Connection Of All Time

September 26, 2011 | No Comments » | Topics: Funny Pictures, Story |

flash drive vagina

You stuck my flash drive in your vagina – m4w – 25 (philadelphia)

Date: 2010-04-20, 3:04PM EDT

You stuck my flash drive in your vagina. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I don’t think this is a fad sweeping the city, so this one’s for you.

We met at a Millcreek Tavern. You said you were from Lancaster. You were beautiful, you liked me. It was perfect. But then…

We went back to my apartment. We watched The Breakfast Club. You had never seen it before. We then ended up in my bed, as planned. And had sex, as planned.

You looked beautiful half covered in my sheets when I left to use the bathroom. When I came back, this is what I saw:

You standing naked at my computer. You with your hand on the keyboard, not typing. You grabbing the flash drive.

The flash drive pops out.

You look at it.

You squat a little bit.

You insert it into your vagina, like a tampon.

I am speechless.

You proceed to get dressed, say you have to go home, and leave. The number you gave me doesn’t work.

I am confused. I’d like to see you again. I’d like to see my flash drive again.

Your name is Rebecca. You have long blond hair.

Please get in touch. I am a very understanding person.

Location: philadelphia
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1701584027

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