1. If there’s one thing I know (besides how to power my alarm clock with a quickly decaying potato [Thanks scouts!]) it’s that for all intents and purposes, a baby is the equivalent of a tiny, severely astonishingly incomprehensible, intoxicated elderly midget, and you are responsible for it. Fuck us, right?
When you learn you are about to become a parent, what you’re essentially being informed of is that for the next twelve to fifteen years, you are going to be the metaphorical equivalent of a designated driver. Because you have to get the drunks home; The drunks in this analogy being your child, and home being adulthood. Now by designated driver, I don’t mean you can’t drink, fuck no. Far from it. In fact, I’m not entirely sure it’s possible to raise kids without at least occasionally being completely fucking intoxicated. (My father once said “The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I hang up my school-bus keys”). What I’m saying is you’re the one with the keys.
If you’re not immediately hip to this analogy, allow me to elaborate on the clear similarities between your child and the average Prom queen after her eighth pomegranate appletini. I’ll work from the sober phase to drunk because that’s how I normally do it anyway… stick with me.
Around fourteen or fifteen years of age your kid is basically just a little buzzed and a little stupid, but you can mostly leave them to their own devices without them killing themselves or someone else. I’ll not elaborate because this stage is the most boring. I mean, they’re not funny or cool, and they don’t think you’re funny or cool. You’re basically both just waiting for the kid to graduate and leave the fucking house.
My friend's band recorded in the same studio Radiohead used for some of the In Rainbows sessions. A whole bunch of their equipment was still laying around in the live room. Most of it was vintage '70s gear. They had a Mellotron and a Memory Moog. All the reverbs are actual rooms in the basement. They hardly used any digital technology. They even tracked to 2 inch tape and only transferred to ProTools for minor editing. SSL SL9080K analogue console. Twenty year old ribbon mics. Valve preamps. No expense spared, and it drips out of every track on the album. From a technical point of view it's up there with the best Steely Dan and Frank Zappa. Radiohead not only write really great music, they're one of the few internationally recognised bands who fly the flag for the craft of music production engineering. 99% of their fans never need to know anything of what goes on behind the scenes, but their respect for doing things properly is the reason their music always sounds beautiful. While everyone else is churning out pop from a preprogrammed template; chasing down the cheapest plugins to perform the quickest fixes, Radiohead are creating art. Their music will outlast us all.
The first step to becoming a real man is admitting that you aren’t perfect. It’s in our blood to ignore instruction manuals and maps, instead relying on raw instinct or hitting things with a hammer if they don’t work. However that feeling in your gut isn’t always right, and that’s why it’s essential to take a step back and actively acquire new skills that will last you a lifetime.
If there’s one thing you’ve learnt thus far in life, it’s that there is no easy route to manhood. It’s not something that appears overnight and it can’t be bought for any amount of money. However, each new skill you add to your arsenal takes you one step closer to becoming the very epitome of a real man.
The arrival of the internet has made this process significantly easier; there are an abundance of guides and tutorials on various man skills, whether it’s fixing a leaky tap or surviving a bear attack. We’ve spent hours scouring the internet and compiling a list of 50 Things Every Modern Man Should Know.
Basic survival skills are usually a good starting point. After all, the longer you survive the more things you’ll pick up along the way.
1. How to Survive a Bear Attack
Did you know that different survival techniques should be adopted depending on what type of bear is charging towards you? ‘Playing Dead’ is what most people assume, which is the correct course of action to take if you’re being mauled by a Grizzly Bear, however a Black Bear will happily continue it’s relentless assault regardless.
If it’s black, attack. If it’s brown, stay down.
Gotta Give Some Props To All The Folks Out There Putting In Work And Making That Healthy Transformation
15 Photos Guaranteed To Put A Smile On Your Face – Ned Hardy
Bella Hadid Went Braless In NYC And Boy Was It Noticeable – Crave
Frat Initiation Allegedly Includes Drugging, Raping Women – Newser
There’s never been anything sexier than Margot Robbie’s performance in “The Wolf of Wall Street” – Faves
Witness the epic “Price is Right” moment that has the internet freaking out – Rare
Charlotte McKinney…Nuff Said – Leenks
This coach stuck his tongue in a female player’s ear. And then it got weird – FanBuzz
26 Famous People (Allegedly) Killed by the Illuminati – Ranker
Seeing Double: The Kelley Twins Are Identical Top To Bottom – Bossip
Alexis Ren Next Gen Instagram Pimping – WWTDD
The 12 Best Countries For Americans Who Want To Live Abroad – Thrillist
The World’s Hottest Math Teacher Is Blowing Up The Internet – Maxim
Ariel Winter Looking Thick in Lacy See-Through Booty Shorts – G-Celeb
These girl don’t need no stinkin bras! – Radass
Terrifying Nightmares from Around the World – VICE
28 Knockout Pics of UFC Ring Girl Arianny Celeste – Regertful Morning
Obama Wants You To Watch These 8 Sci-Fi Films and TV Shows – The Blemish
Lindsay Lohan’s Topless Selfie of the Day – Drunken Stepfather
10 Life Lessons To Excel In Your 30’s – Mark Manson