n. the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like—as if all your social tastebuds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognize its rich and ambiguous flavors, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double-blind.
Moustafa Ismail from Egypt has the world’s largest biceps. He is a 24-year-old gas station attendant who has had his 31in. biceps confirmed and will appear in the 2013 issue of the Guinness Book of Records. He started bodybuilding ten years ago and claims to have a minimum of three hours of training, at least twice a day. Your thoughts????
I bought this game at a garage sale when I was in middle school. The best part is that each time you go around the board you have the chance to have “illegitimate children” which you then tally upon passing “go” to earn welfare bucks. During one game I had fourteen illegitimate children and still lost because I ended up having to get a job and therefore off of welfare.
My figure has never been the same since.
Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day.
Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course?
Each of us has such a bank. It’s name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose.
It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against “tomorrow.”
You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!
The clock is running!! Make the most of today.
Maybe it’s just because I’m getting older, but every day I see something like this and think to myself "Holy crap. We are living in the fu*king future right now."
I mean, I carry a computer in my pocket. Not something that kinda works like a computer, not a "computer", but a real life, honest-to-god fu*king pocket computer. And it’s 1000 times more powerful than the behemoth I used to download shietty porrn on 20 years ago that cost multiple thousands of dollars.
And then I realize, HOLY Fuk THIS THING DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A CORD. It just magically pulls smut out of the ether like some fu*king electronic porrn fairy. I don’t even have to type one-handed anymore, I can just use a dictation program to make girls feel uncomfortable in chat rooms.
Or, if I’m feeling brave, I can even call some girl and make her feel even more uncomfortable because my pocket computer is ALSO A PHONE. If I’m feeling frisky I could just send her a picture of my junk 5 seconds after I take it. No waiting, no postage, no cutting letters out of magazines. Nothing. Just point, shoot, creep. Because the computer-phone in my pocket? It’s also a camera. THAT’S RIGHT A MOTHERFukING CAMERA. How’s that for futuristic?
But wait, I’m not done. Let’s say that girl doesn’t want to see my junk anymore and stops taking my phone calls. I can find a zoomable aerial map of her house and then THE FukING GPS INSIDE MY PHONE-CAMERA-PORRNFAIRY-COMPUTER will find me the shortest route to her house. It will even find me a hardware store on the way, and if it’s still open, I can even buy some duct tape, a chainsaw, some garbage bags, and a shovel and have them waiting for me at customer service to be picked up when I get there.
I don’t care what anyone says, we are living in the future, and it is truly a magical time.
Nah I got sh*t to do today
Japanese game shows are awesome
Eye Contact Level: Expert
Douchebag Level: Maximum