When your friends hate your pregnant girlfriend
When I’m am sober at a party
More Awesomeness From The StomachPunch Network:
1. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier. to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
2. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
3. I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile…and how many times.
4. Nothing brings two people together like the mutual hatred of another person.
5. Every phone should have the same charger.
6. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
7. If anyone found out the one password I use for everything I’d be fucked.
8. I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?
9. I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, “Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"
10. I had to walk to school 40 miles in the snow… barefoot” was good in it’s day. But imagine the sheer terror on your kid’s face when you drop “When I was born there was no internet
11. I saw a guy walking through two feet of snow in sub-zero temperatures to get to the florist. He must have really fucked up.
12. I think the best compliment is when someone who generally hates everyone decides that they like you.
13. Did any of the villains on Scooby-Doo actually break the law? Last time I checked wearing a rubber mask and being kind of a dick wasn’t a crime.
14. Who made up the unwritten rule that only losers show up to parties early? Make your grand entrance later if you want, but I’ll have had 4 beers, a shot, and double-dipped on the nachos several times by then.