- If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
- Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up, put it down.
- Birthdays, Valentines and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.
- Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
- If you think you’re fat, you may be. Don’t ask us. (besides, we’re not suicidal enough to answer anything other than “no” anyway)
- Sunday Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. It can’t be altered so just let be.
- Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, shortstops and carburetors.
- Shopping is not a sport
- Anything you wear is fine. Really
- You have enough clothes
- You have too many shoes
- Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
- No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
- Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometime.
- Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes — what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
- Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
- “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers.
- A headache that last for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
- Your mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
- The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
- Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
- Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
- Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are.
- You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both.
- Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, neither do we.
- You know, YOU can ask HIM out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.
- Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.
- Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
- We’re not telepathic. We can’t read your mind, so don’t blame us for not knowing something you expected us to know without telling us. Conversely, you aren’t telepathic either, so don’t get mad about what you thinkwe’re thinking, because your guess is probably wrong.
1. Eating Through Anything – Matter Eater Lad
Alright, so it might be neat to be able to eat anything without consequence — those late night Taco Bell trips would be a lot easier, for one. But when would you ever really have to eat through a wall though? Maybe if you’re a superhero, but it just seems like it’d be a funny thing to watch. Especially when one stops to consider the truism that what must go in must come out. Not to mention, he wasn’t a cannibal — there goes any chance of using his powers to beat up the bad guys.
- Buy high quality tools, so you only have to buy them once.
- Keep a change of clothes at the office.
- Never hit anyone unless they are an immediate threat.
- Every hat should serve a purpose.
- Never take her to the movies on the first date.
- Learn to wet shave.
- Nothing looks more badass than a well-tailored suit.
- Shave with the grain on the first go-around.
- Always look a person in the eye when you talk to them.
- Buy a plunger before you need a plunger.
- Exercise makes you happy. Run, lift, and play sports.
- Brush your teeth before you put on your tie.
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2) Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4) Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5) Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6) That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard beforedeciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
8 ) Whatever
Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!
9) Don’t worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This
will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.
1. Don’t try to be the “manager”, do not get involved with band business, that is for the band.
2. Don’t ask his bandmates for relationship advice.
3. Do Not complain when your (insert holiday here) date gets cancelled because a show has been scheduled. Holidays are no longer yours. Even Valentines Day!
4. ***It’s NOT mandatory that you are at every show.***
5. Do not get jealous when your boyfriend talks to groupies. They are the one’s buying the CDs and merch, not you, so let them have their time. And remember…you get to go home with him!
6. Babies don’t make men quit bands….especially if you were a groupie.
7. No, the band does not want you to go on tour with them. Like your going to sleep in the back of a van and eat ramen for 4 months straight!?
8. Don’t make the following introduction: Hi! I’m _____. My boyfriend is in ______.
9. Don’t follow him around at shows like a lost puppy, he is taking care of business, find your own crowd.
10. Don’t go to band practice (Unless Invited). And it’s normal to have practice more than once a week.
11. Do not assume everyone loves your boyfriend’s band.
12. Don’t make out with other band members girlfriends at the bar. Save that for the after party.
13. Don’t turn yourself into a walking flyer for your boyfriend’s band. The shirt is fine, but must you break out the hat, the hoodie, AND the stickers on your ass?
14. No rumpshaka dances during the show, that is unless your man is in 2 Live Crew.
15. Do not change your style based on the type of band you date. Going from preppy to Nu to hardcore shows you are not your own individual.
16. If he calls while out on the road, don’t complain about when he is coming home. You’re lucky he is using the quarter to call you, instead of buying gas or food.
17. Never say anything negative about your man’s band that you cannot say to him. It will only come back to bite you in the ass.
18. If you’re a stripper, keep work on the pole, not at shows. Not everyone wants to know Victoria’s Secret.
19. Never cause a fight right before your man goes on stage. Relationship problems can be dealt with after the show.
20. If they have a show out of town, don’t drive just so you and your boy can have “alone time”. Because you want to “talk”.
21. Don’t buy your man a new intrument so he and his band mates can match. It’s metal core, not fashion core.
22. You cannot drink on the band’s tab! Buy your own! (also dont get so drunk that you embarrass your boyfriend or his bandmates)
23. Keep the band separate from your everyday life. That’s your boyfriend’s passion, find your own
1. Money cannot buy happiness but…somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.
I’m still stuck in the 90′s. I don’t think I will ever get over it. The carefree days of playing video games, taking a break when the ice cream man rang his jingle and not having to worry about bills, insurance, rent, office politics, and the myriad of other bullshiet that seems to haunt being a grown up. The only comfort I take is to remember the good ol’ days and the good ol’ days consisted in a lot of video game playing, specifically NES. Here’s a selection of 10 awesome NES games, the boss fights and the ending to help you take a break from being a grown-up.
Mike Tyson’s Punch Out
Here is a fairly extensive compilation of some of the extraordinary sexual activities that can be performed by men:
1. Hot Lunch – While receiving head from a woman, you proceedto shiet on her chest. (A.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)
2. The Stranger – Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.
3. Western Grip – When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use. Hence, western.
4. The Blumpkin – You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shietter.
5. Donkey Punch – Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.
6. Golden Shower – Any form of pissing all over a chick (a.k.a.- watersports)
7. Pearl Necklace – Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl – it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.