How big is your penis?
It varies a lot, but I will give you my latest findings from the tape measure department: Max length is 2 inches soft, and 3 inches hard. The circumference — 3.3 inches soft, 4.0 inches hard
When did you realize you were smaller than average?
It built up over time. When I was 9 years old, my parents split up and my dad would send me to stay with friends and relatives during the summer. And I was quite a screwed-up kid and I was a compulsive bed wetter, so I would wake up in the morning and my bed was soaking, all the sheets and everything. On one occasion, my friend’s mother got really angry and told me I must not do this anymore and I had to take off my wet pajamas in the kitchen in front of everyone and that’s something I remember vividly. It was quite a horrible time and it happened once again when we went to stay in a hotel in the west of England.
At this point, I was about 12 and I was quite fat because I lived with my dad and he didn’t cook, so I was just eating loads of junk food. I was pre-puberty and I was embarrassed all the time. When I wet the bed, the manager, a woman, said if you do that once more I’m going to cut off your silly little willy. That really stuck with me. Very soon after that, at secondary school, we were all made to do gym, and when we were in the changing room, that’s when I really became aware of how different I was because most of the other boys were entering puberty and I was already very embarrassed about my body, but it just got worse. I got really badly bullied and teased by the kids and the teachers. The teachers were worse than the kids. It was really quite nasty. They didn’t refer to my penis, but the kids did. I just wanted to hide. I was so plump I couldn’t even see it.
Is that when you discovered they come in different sizes?
Yes. There were two or three boys who were obviously very well developed and they would swagger around showing off. I was desperate not to show anything, so I’d really try and hide. As the months went on, it got worse because everyone changed, but I didn’t, and by the time I was 14, I was still a very plump boy with a very small penis.
What was puberty like?
I became anorexic when I was about 14, I think because I was bullied about my weight I stopped eating. But I did suddenly start to grow very tall quite quickly and I got very thin and I got pubic hair. Unfortunately, the bits that didn’t grow very much were my genitals. In some ways, it was better, because I wasn’t fat, but I was now a much bigger body with the same package. My peer group all had girlfriends and I was friends with a lot of girls and boys, but I remained a virgin until I was 23.
When did your penis stop growing?
When I was 14. Quite honestly, my entire life has been shaped and damaged by my penis size. I’m still not really over it, even though I’m way into middle age. I’ve had relationships, but they’ve never been terribly good, particularly not from my partner’s point of view. I always feel like I can’t do what I should be able to do as well as most people. That’s what I worry about. And doctors have never been any help.
When did you realize you have what’s medical classified as a micropenis?
I can’t remember when I first heard that word, but I think it was on the internet in the mid-’90s. I didn’t seek diagnosis.
When you were a teenager or an adolescent, did you avoid girls, or intimate situations, because you were worried about your penis?
It was bad. A couple of my friends really wanted to help me out, so sometimes we would get together: Two or three girls and two or three boys. As the evening went on, we would pair off, and I remember one time I was paired off with a girl and I was so worried about revealing this that I never did anything. It took a few more years for me to even get to the point of getting undressed in front of any woman, any girl. I think I was about 21.
What was your first sexual experience like?
It was traumatic. I was 21 and it was at a party. I’m very sociable and I love parties. This was a big house party and a lovely girl really took to me; she really enjoyed my conversation and she was the one who suggested to me that we go upstairs and find a bedroom. This had never happened before. At this point, I had very long hair, we were all into smoking weed, and I thought, Yeah, why not? I’d almost forgotten why not! I was so relaxed with her and she was so sweet that I forgot for a moment. We got to a certain point and she couldn’t hide how disappointed she was. She was quite annoyed and I don’t blame her at all; to this day, I don’t blame her. Because it was before the internet, I hadn’t had any education into what the alternatives were. I could have done other sexual things, but in those days I think we were all a bit naïve. Even the kids who claimed to be very sexual didn’t really know that much.
Did you tell her or did you wait for her to see?
I didn’t tell her — she really wanted to have sex. She undressed and then she helped me undress, because I wasn’t very keen to take my clothes off. She started trying to get me hard because she couldn’t really see what was there. I guess she was hoping it would change, or get bigger. I did get semi-hard but it wasn’t enough and I couldn’t penetrate her. We rolled around on the bed a lot and it went on for quite a while. I pretended I was too stoned to do anything and suggested we go back and dance again. It was about two years before I was in bed with a woman again.
Was that because you were scarred from that first experience?
Yes, and I still am. The trouble with this particular condition is that it doesn’t change.
Did you count that as losing your virginity?
When did you lose your virginity?
Not until much later. At college, I was surrounded by lots of beautiful young women and I really started to hate myself. I hated myself too much to do anything about sex. I became a recluse — I ran away from it for quite a while and it wasn’t until three years after I left college when I got a job and met a girl who seemed to really go for me. That’s when I did lose my virginity. I was 23.
What was that experience like?
It was great, even though it was also embarrassing. It was much better than the first time because the girl I was with was very experienced and knew how to deal with me; she just knew how to get what little I had to offer. She knew how to get that little thing inside her! She made the most of what I have. And she was sweet and lovely and laughed about it all and she was fascinated by how small it was. I had a relationship with her for almost a year. But she lost interest in having sex with me, she had other boyfriends, and eventually she became a lesbian.
We stayed friends for a long time, though. She had great affection for my tiny little penis. She told me about all the other men she’d slept with. Some of them were so big they could lift the duvet off the bed with their erection and make a tent that you could all snuggle under. All I could do is lift it up enough for a little snail to get in. We just had a good laugh about it. And she made me feel a lot better. If I hadn’t met her, I’d probably still be a virgin.
Did you go on to have other relationships? Did that experience embolden you at all?
For a while I thought, It’s no good. I thought maybe I should just be gay — maybe I could just be a bitch to a gay man, I could take it up the ass. But I didn’t enjoy it very much and I realized I wasn’t gay. You’re either gay or you’re not; you can’t make yourself be gay. But I really liked the whole world of gay men and women — the scene, but not the sex. I did sleep with a few guys, though.
Did you feel more comfortable showing your penis to other men?
Men made me feel stranger than women did. They objectified me as the “little dick guy” and were more likely to humiliate me. But humiliation can be quite enjoyable in itself if you get twisted enough. That’s when I thought maybe I should reveal and flaunt my small penis.
What role did you take when you had sex with men? Did you enjoy it?
I was usually “the bottom” although I did have a night with a guy who just wanted to suck me. I was a bit shocked at the time and did not enjoy it as much as I should have. I am still unsure about all this — like I said. I was simultaneously attracted to the gay scene and yet averse to the idea of having sex with a man. Maybe I was just too cowardly? If I had let go and made myself become a real gay, that might have been my salvation.
These days, do you identify as gay or straight? Who are you attracted to?
My predictable physical ideal is a skinny, small-breasted, narrow-hipped, boyish, probably dark-haired, intellectually dominant woman who will not be bothered with makeup and such and will tell me exactly what she wants me to do and will get quite annoyed if I fail. I have never actually had a relationship with such a woman.
Are you in a relationship now?
I’m not currently in a relationship. I was with a very beautiful woman but we didn’t live together. I don’t know if it has really ended because it’s ended many times. When I’m in a relationship, I want to give them as much as anyone would — I’m always encouraging them to go find something more if they need something more; it’s always around if you need to find it. My last partner couldn’t cope with that. But I can’t blame it all on my penis. It’s more than that. She couldn’t cope with my self-loathing, which I suppose is an extension of my physical condition. I could have had cancer; I could have had worse things happen! Maybe I shouldn’t have made such a big deal of it.
Do you blame your penis for the demise of all your relationships?
There’s always other things you can blame it on. What I’m really trying to say is that underneath all this, I don’t really believe in myself. I’m not someone I would want to have a relationship with if I were a woman. I’m a pathetic little nothing, really; that’s what it’s made me feel like. I was raised around all these macho uncles and teachers who expected men to be men and we all know what that really means. I’m overdramatizing it, really, but this is what it’s done to me. Maybe I’m using it as an excuse because I’ve just got a very feeble personality.