1. Tried to overdose on Oxycontin, last thoughts were immediate regret after I pushed the plunger on the syringe all the way down, all I felt was remorse and sadness that I wouldn’t be alive anymore. Woke up 20-24 hours later extremely grateful to be alive and got help with my drug addiction, now 4 year sober on 8/14.
2. I have severe depression and never knew what genuine happiness felt like until I was 17 and on meds from the hospital after my suicide attempt, it was so overwhelming I just started sobbing in the car with my mom, out of nowhere.
Anyway, I had taken a bottle of Xanax when my mom left for church, it wasn’t planned I was just at my mental breaking point and panicked, I sat in the kitchen floor and I felt an overwhelming sense of euphoria, I just kept thinking ‘it’s over. It’s over. It’s over’
I didn’t regret it until my mom found me because she turned around after realizing she left something at home, I will never forgive myself for putting her through that. I’m 24 and the memory of her crying and tell me she loved me and she was sorry still haunts me. I have a lump in my throat just typing this.
3. The 3rd attempt was the final one. After 2 failures (tried to OD on benadryl demerol and vodka, 2nd attempt was hanging), the pain was just too much to handle.
I remember it was the Monday after Easter in 2000 I just turned 21. I came home from my internship with a bottle of skky vodka and sheet plastic. It was after 9pm, I had finished the vodka and put the plastic over my bed. I made a few phone calls to say sorry and got the box cutter out. I had it on my wrist ready to slash down to my elbow, blood began welling up and my father came in.
I saw the look of disappointment in his eyes, just one more thing I did wrong. I went through my window and took off. I went running no idea where to but I wanted to find a busy road to jump into traffic. I jumped in front of a car, it stopped. My friends got out and put me in the car to go to a diner for coffee to sober up.
Sobered up some, took off again looking to jump in the street again. I remember being so tired and fell to the ground. Next thing I know is that I’m in a hospital waking up even more depressed.
I ended up getting the help I needed. I still take zoloft everyday, but I am well adjusted now. Still have ups and downs but never that low. That was 16 years ago and this was the first time I have fully told this tale.
4. “I hope this works.”
“Oh, gods, that hurts!”
“Fuck, I made a mess on the carpet. I always make a mess for other people.”
Getting light headed
“Damn it, he’s going to have to deal with my death if I let this happen here… He doesn’t deserve that.”
Goes to stop the bleeding
“Fuck, why did I do that? So stupid. What will everyone think of me?”
5. I took around 20,000 mg of ibuprofen. At first, all I felt was relief. I wouldn’t have to deal with the shit going on in my head any longer. But I started vomiting, and then I started having these weird visions of how people I know would react to my death. People at my school gossiping about it, my teachers talking to each other in hushed voices. I saw my little sister hearing the news and breaking into tears. I saw her go down the road of self-destruction, just as I did. I saw my mother devastated. Once I stopped having these visions, I threw up some more and told a family member to bring me to the hospital. They got all the ibuprofen out of my system. I’ve been seeing a therapist and I’m doing quite a bit better now.
6. I tried to cut my throat, but I stopped because my dog was scared. I didn’t want to lose her, or my family.
7. “Everything is so fuzzy. This could be it… Goodnight.” I tried to OD several times. It’s a wonder my organs are okay.
The last time I tried to kill myself was by jumping under a car. My last thought was “fucking do it, nobody will care and you know it.” Then a drunk person pulled me back. It hit me- what a selfish way to go. Someone would have had to live with that- hitting a 17 year old girl at 6am on their way to work.
8. I laid down in my bed hearing my husband prepare my infant daughter her nighttime bottle and thought: “she’ll be fine without me, better off in fact.” She didn’t know me yet and I thought my husband and parents could raise her without my toxic damaging influence. All I could think was that I was giving my daughter a gift, a life without me as her mother. She could imagine me as anything she wanted or needed. She’d never know my weaknesses and failures. I’d just be a few photos on her dad’s Facebook. And maybe not even that if he remarried. It was the ultimate feeling of release.
9. I jumped off of a bridge. 80 ft. I remember looking down and instantly diving off. In the air I had done a flip and was thinking “What happens next happens.” Falling was so peaceful, I felt free. It was only a few seconds but it felt like a life time of floating towards heaven. Then I hit the water. I thought I was dead until I took a breath of air and was like “oh shit. it didnt work. lol. now what.” I started laughing really hard and thought “of course i survived. lol. of course this would happen to me. It took me 30 minutes to get out of the Puget Sound. Very cold. Almost drowned. Almost died of hypothermia in the hospital.
I’m so much better now. I wouldn’t say that I am happy that I jumped off of the bridge, but it changed my life for all of the better. I found a therapy that worked for me and wow. lol.
10. I didn’t go through with it… But I wrote down my feelings about the time I came close.
Things all came to a head one night in the parking lot at WalMart. I was devastatingly drunk. Crying. Drowning in self-loathing and alcohol. I hated myself. I hated the person I was. I hated the things I had done to the people that loved me. I wanted to die. I kept a .40 cal semi-auto handgun tucked between the front seats in my truck. I looked at it. I picked it up. I felt like freedom was inside it. I had to let it out. All the pain would go away. Nobody would have to deal with me anymore. I couldn’t do any more damage to anyone if I were gone. I pulled back the hammer, I stuck the barrel into my mouth, it tasted just like it smelled… I started to squeeze the trigger… People in my life started to flash into my mind and the thoughts of how it would affect them. First was my son, 23 at the time. He had a girlfriend blow her head off with a .357 magnum when he was 19. How will this affect him, I asked myself. He got over it once, he’ll get over it again, I answered. I squeezed the trigger a little more. My step-daughters, 20 and 25 at the time, how will this affect them, I asked. They would be glad to see me go, I answered quickly. I squeezed the trigger a little more. My mom, who lost her oldest child to cancer 12 years ago, how will this affect her, I asked myself. She lost one, she can lose another, I answered. I squeezed the trigger a little more. My ex-wife… How would… I stopped squeezing. I saw an image of her on her knees. Crying. Not just crying, bawling. That deep, gut wrenching, terribly broken soul heaving cry. I pulled the gun out of my mouth, unloaded it and threw it into the back seat which was full of everything I owned. I broke down and cried harder than I ever had in my life. That was it. I was done.
11. “Finally I’ll have some peace.”
I tried to overdose- mixed opiates and benzos. My best friend found me and took me back to his place. I was severely loopy. Slept for hours. Woke up and immediately thought “I wasn’t supposed to wake up.” I walked to the pharmacy and bought gel cap sleep aids and liquid sleep aids. Proceeded to chase the entire box of pills with the syrup. Apparently my best friend found me scarfing the pills down in his bed saying “nothing matters.” 911 was called. I ended up in a psych ward for 5 days. I haven’t suffered from suicidal ideation in a while, I manage my depression with talk therapy.
For the record- I never felt regret or that last minute “what have I done?!”
12. I hung myself within the last year. Reasons are…..well my reasons. The last thought I render before blacking out was one of peace. It was the one and only time I remember feeling in control of my own life. I felt, for lack of a better word, right. It scares the absolute shit out of me, because I can’t stop thinking about it, and how much I wish I felt that way always.
Everything seems so much worse now, I have friends who are angry they couldn’t talk me through it so they have cut me off for being “selfish”. The only thing keeping me from trying again is my mom. But it’s strained our relationship.
I feel worthless, and love the feeling of being 100% in control.