1. Confidence. Confidence comes from a mindset that is both pragmatic and optimistic. For example: When I’m working up the courage to talk to a woman, I’ll remind myself that she’s already NOT dating me, so the worst that can happen is that she continues to not date me. However if I don’t strike up a conversation with her, I’ll probably regret not taking the chance. That’s being pragmatic. The optimistic side is me telling myself to believe in the “what if?” – maybe we’ll get along wonderfully, maybe she’ll be into me, maybe I’ll make her laugh, maybe it’ll lead to a single date or maybe more?
A positive mindset is a matter of positive self-talk. If it doesn’t work out, don’t be immature about it. Be pleasant, and tell yourself that it’s a lesson learned. You’re not going to make solid contact with every strike, so step out of the batters box for a moment, shake it off, and step up for the next pitch. But when it does work, it builds your confidence tremendously! Helpful tip: confidence is not cockiness. Cockiness = “you’re lucky to be talking to me”, Confidence = “I believe in myself enough to be talking to you.”
2. Humor. I’m a witty person, and I am quick with a joke or a quip to make people smile and start a connection. This is tricky to learn if you’re not naturally funny or social engaging, but my advice to you would be to invest in a book or two, and watch some youtube videos on how to engage verbally and non verbally with strangers. Before I talk to a woman I have something in mind I’m going to say, and 100% of the time it’s funny. Recently I met a wonderful lady while we were both trying to find ripe pineapples at the market and I said “You have to smell them on the top of the head. It’s the same way you can tell if your middle schooler needs a shower, but less angsty” and she chuckled. Next thing you know we went out for coffee and had a nice time. Humor tip: if you started with a joke, come back to it later in the conversation “…very similar to choosing a pineapple!”
3. Communication/Conversational Skills. If you start with humor, you have to be able to follow up with conversation. Topics that are always easy are nearby, observational, and open ended. Example: “Excuse my dog, he works for the parks department and he’s smelling for dangerous vampire squirrels. There’s been an outbreak of vampire squirrels in this area, so keep your garlic handy. Do you have a dog?” Pet people LOVE to talk about their pets. So that’s an easy trail to go down. Conversation tip: be watching for cues to pick up if they are interested in you. Cues are body positioning (open to you means they are engaged, turning away or closed off means they are disengaging) verbal engagement (more than yes or nor answers, instigating more than just responding) and eye contact. If a woman gives me direct eye contact, turns to me, smiles, and gives full responses to my conversation starter, I feel the freedom to continue. If I sense disengagement, I simple allow the conversation to end and don’t force it. Sometimes she isn’t a natural conversationalist, and isn’t sending a clear signal, if that’s the case I will casually reengage and gauge her response. Conversation tip: Open ended questions lead to more conversation, such as “what do you think is the best food (our city) has to offer? what’s some of your favorite places that you recommend to people?” There is an endless supply of resources online on how to improve your communication and conversation skills. Take advantage of the and improve yourself in that area.
4. Take Care of Yourself. Dude. You don’t have to look like Tom Brady. Just take care of yourself. Learn how to dress for your body type (I could write a much longer post on how guys can dress better, but start following men’s fashion instagram accounts and read some blogs) You’d be AMAZED how many women compliment me on my style. Keep a good haircut (find a barber you trust and stick with him) always smell nice, shower regularly, make sure your clothes fit well (seriously, spend the money to get your clothes tailored), wear good shoes and a good belt, and walk with confidence. Fashion tip: You don’t have to wear high-end clothing. You can shop at target or second hand stores, as long as you put together outfits well and your clothes fit like they are supposed to. Most of my clothing comes from department stores with my accessories coming from nicer places. Fitness tip: You don’t have to be ripped to be attractive, in fact, studies have shown that most women aren’t attracted to muscle bound guys. If you need to lose some weight, work on it – but don’t let it hold you back from working on the other things while you improve that area. EVERY guy benefits from 20 minutes of physical exercise 3-4x a week. Simple exercises at home, do some yoga videos, a short jog, play soccer, whatever. It builds your self confidence and helps in you literally every area of your life.
5. Make the Ask. This is the hard part for a lot of guys, and takes the most courage – even more than the initial conversation starter. For me, my rule is that I don’t ask to get contact information unless I’m pretty confident that she’s going to say yes (see #3 above) and then I boldly go for it – “I’d love to get to know you socially, can I get your number and/or social media contact information?” Now this is where I’m pretty old school, I have cards that are just for social interaction, not business. They are monogramed with initials on the front, and the back is just my name and number, nothing else. If I send a lady a drink or take care of her bill, I will send her one of my cards along with it. This is the least direct way to invite conversation, and therefore the “safest” as far as rejection goes, but also how’s the lowest rate of results. It doesn’t often work for me, so I only do it in limited situations. The two most recent examples are that I sent a drink to a lady who was obviously at a bar with friends who were surrounding her, and I don’t like to be rude and inject myself. She did not respond. The other example was a mom at a restaurant with her kids – obviously I’m not going to hit on a lady with her kids next to her, so I paid for their meal and sent my card over and wrote on it “I’d love to text you if you’d like!” and we are now good friends.
Believe in yourself! You’ve got a lot to offer, and there’s women who would be better having you in their lives!