4 Utterly Depressing Confessions From The Hikikomori Community

January 7, 2020 | No Comments » | Topics: Life Experiences

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1. I’m almost 26 and I’ve been hikikomori for over 11 years and the last 2 years have been hell for me as I came to the realisation that I’m a complete loser; I don’t know how it took me so long to realise. I was pretty much on autopilot playing video games 24/7 and then I suddenly lost the desire to play them which caused me to become more introspective.

I’ve left my home four times in the last two years (dental appointments) and this boredom is killing me. The internet and lack of desire to do anything is driving me crazy. I can hardly browse forums anymore without hating everything I read. I don’t plan on committing suicide even though I have no reason not to although I keep thinking about it more and more.

I’ve tried to befriend people online to help kill time but I have no life experience, no hobbies, no opinions and no interests. I’ve watched 3 t.v series, read a dozen books, watched around 100 films and listened to maybe 1,000 albums over the last ten years; I do pretty much nothing but browse degenerate forums all day. Every forum I’m a part of always has some psychology students writing their thesis and wanting people in those shit-tier forums to participate in their surveys. It makes me sick to read those posts. Every time I’ve tried to be friends with people I always end up not wanting to message them after a day or so because I’m so boring and can’t relate to anyone.

I completely failed school and learnt nothing. I was tested for autism, ADHD etc but they said that there was nothing wrong me except for being a slow learner or something… so basically I’m a dumbass. I wish my parents encouraged me to read, write and play an instrument from a young age instead of allowing me to waste a ridiculous amount of time playing video games and browsing the internet. I had a severely mentally ill neighbour who tormented me since I was 7 and caused me to have so much anxiety that I ended up dropping out of school due to it. I even saw a therapist at one point just after dropping out but it only lasted one session and I don’t even know why because I can hardly remember it. I don’t understand why some people want to be NEET or Hikikomori. I promise you that you will eventually hate everything in life.

 

2. I was 16 when I dropped out of public school to finish up online. That is when my prolonged bouts of social isolation started. I had friends, but these friends were people I abused drugs with (to cope with our life circumstances), as they weren’t socially adapted like most people our age.

As time went on I ended up cutting off all contact with them and haven’t contacted them since age 18. I haven’t had a social outing in 5 years. It’s liberating but embarrassing at the same time to be saying that.

I moved out a few days after I turned 18 into an apartment paid for by my parents. I’ve been here in this 2 bed apartment for 5 years. I can go months without leaving my apartment.

I’m so pathetically apathetic/majorly depressed/self-hating/unmotivated that I have allowed and manipulated/encouraged my mother to come over and pre-make all my food for me (salads, pre-cooked meat, etc) for a few days at a time.

She comes over every 3-4 days to clean my entire apartment (dishes, trash, etc) and drop off my food. She’s been doing this the past 5 years so I don’t have to leave my apartment, even if it’s something trivial like bringing in a case of water; she does it ALL. She’s running out of energy and she’s getting reoccurring back injuries and shoulder pain from all the lifting she does. I can’t honestly tell you I feel sorry for her or guilty for her pain. I simply have removed all empathy from my being as a way to look out for myself and my “selfish” needs in order to minimize suffering and cope with my dissipating youth.

I literally do nothing to help her but retreat to my room where my computer is and wait patiently for her to leave. I can’t bare to see her. Although I am minutely thankful for her “helping” me with the necessities, I genuinely deep down have an innate hatred for her. She is arguably at the epicenter of all my suffering in life.

I am Hikikomori/NEET because I absolutely hate the way my face looks and I feel as if I’m not tall enough or robust enough body-wise. I have no motivation to better myself because the foundation of my life (my body/looks) is fundamentally flawed and subhuman.

I hate her because I inherited her objectively unappealing features via genetic recombination.

I can say — with confidence, that I just want to continue to be left alone. I can’t stand to face reality or the outside world and all the difficulties that would inevitably await me.

I do think about suicide a lot but I wouldn’t do it because I have a strong survival instinct and I would only be open to suicide via a certain pharmaceutical that is virtually unattainable.

It’s kind of liberating — to give up all hope in life. I feel so old. The past 5 years have flown past me in the blink of an eye. It’s all such a blur. The entire 5 years was spent watching youtube videos, playing video games and sleeping. The entire time, literally.

Everyday is the same, there is no difference as the days go by. What I do today Is the same thing I did 5 years ago when all of this started to get serious.

It’s hard to find people online who live such a life like me. There are days I want to cry but I can’t get anything out and it leads to anger.

 

 

3. I wouldn’t exactly consider myself a hikikomori since I do go outside sometimes and I go to school, but most of my time is largely spent locked away in my bedroom; and I’m okay with that.

I’ve always been somewhat timid and quiet. As a young child, I would try to avoid being around people as much as possible, I enjoyed being alone in my room and doing things like drawing and reading. At school I had little to no friends, but I was okay with that, I enjoyed my own company.

Years later I am still like this. I have a very small group of friends who I barely talk to, but they have stuck with me through school. I did have a phase where I pretended to be confident since my parents complained about me being quiet and ‘looking depressed’ all the time, not to mention the bullying at school. But I learnt that there’s no use in pretending to be something you’re not and I accepted my introverted personality, even if others disapproved.

I think the greatest reason I’m a shut-in is that I just see no need to interact with others. I mean there is no real reason to interact with other human beings in the ‘real world’ because most of them are either morons or mindless sheep without a single bit of creative thought between them. I don’t know which is worse, to be a hikikomori or be a plastic fake so that you can be ‘successful’, make ‘friends’ and be a ‘contributing’ member of a shallow and materialistic society. I know it sounds rather arrogant of me to say that, but it’s true. I find most people to be very judgmental and selfish, I just don’t want to deal with them. Modern life is difficult. So many responsibilities are dumped on you at a young age and parents are having higher and higher expectations of their children. Parents have no idea what it’s like to be a teenager in this generation so it’s no surprise to why many cripple under the stress.

For me, solitude is bliss. That is something the rest of my extroverted family will never understand. They associate reclusiveness with negativity and they don’t understand why I don’t want to be with others. They get their ‘energy’ by engaging in social activities, whereas I feel drained when I socialize, I gain happiness from being alone and nobody seems to get that. It’s not that I hate my family, I could not live without them, they just aren’t willing to listen and are far too busy making assumptions and jumping to conclusions.

I’m not saying that being a hikikomori is good and I don’t view myself as better than anyone else, I just enjoy solitude and I’m not NEET. Being away from other humans makes me happy. Nobody can judge you. You can do whatever you please, away from conflict, away from the crooked rot that is this terrible world. Just you and yourself.

 

 

4. I can’t even express how much loneliness and hopelessness I’ve felt in these 6 or so years of being out of school.

I’ve never had a job or did anything spectacular in my life. I have so much anxiety day to day that I can’t even look at my family members in the eyes normally or have a normal conversation with them.

My diet consists of the occasional instant noodles or whatever small bowl of what my mom cooks eaten past midnight quietly, when my family is asleep and I’m alone in the kitchen at night eating ravenously whilst being angry at myself because I’m so cranky after not eating the whole day.

Before I got to this point I had some dreams. At a certain point, I wanted to just eat healthily and exercise. Now I realize I can’t do any of that because to do that would mean I would have to deal with my anxiety and lack of social skills, which so far I have been unable to get over, ever since I was 5.

The most recent breaking point was when I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed a faint bald spot near my forehead. It’s faint, and I can notice the hair at it growing softly and more slowly than the rest of my hair. Whether it is because of my age or my vitamin deficiency, it’s clear that it’s not going away anytime soon. I have no future that I can work toward, and I have no accomplishments to my name. At this point, my hair loss means “I’m a disappointment” instead of “I’m getting more mature.”

Most of my time is spent laying in bed. I’m so afraid of going outside. I’m afraid of having people I’ve met in the past look at how embarrassing I’ve become. Before, I had some semblance of hope that I would get out of this situation, but now I’ve lost all my hope. My days are spent playing video games and commenting on video game subreddits from time to time.

I’ll likely receive no outside help now or ever. There is no real incentive for anyone to take time out of their lives to help someone else adult-aged build their own life. The time for that has long gone. The only one who could possibly help me is myself, and I know I’m too weak to do that. I just wish there was an easy way to end my life.



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