I’ve worked as a camgirl for just under a year and by the end of it I was a mess. I was self-obsessed, massive self-esteem issues, and branching out into more explicit and risky acts to try and maintain my userbase.
You get zero respect from your ‘fans’ who just view you as something to be bought. You’re literally showing that women and their sexuality just has a price tag.
Worst of is that I didn’t really need to do it, I certainly didn’t save that money and just wasted it on drinks and drugs, but I just wanted to party and feel like a rockstar. The job I worked alongside my degree wasn’t particularly engaging and I felt like I was better than that. I’m sexy, young, and smart! I deserve more! So I started doing cam work. Because everyone knows how much you can make!
I felt like I was making every person that connected dance to my strings and that I was in control. I had power. People wanted to see me and would pay me to show them more. They’d beg, plead, and sometimes even demand and it was all down to me.
Honestly I’m glad I got out and I feel so sorry for girls in their late teens/early 20s getting into it think that they’re empowered by showing their bodies online. That they’re taking charge of themselves because they’re strong and they’re able to choose who and where to do so. That they’re safe from sexual assault as they’re not working a stage and it’s from the comfort of their own home.
I don’t doubt that there are people who are legitimately happy with themselves, without a shred of doubt, but I ended up networking with a lot of girls in a similar position to me. We talked to one another in group chats/facebook/whatsapp and became friends. What I thought were ‘real friends’ but it just turns out it was an echo-chamber to try and keep ourselves all sane. That we were doing the right thing. That men are pigs and we were above them. That none of us ‘needed’ to do this but did it for the fun, the thrills, for women everywhere who didn’t have this freedom!
But then you think to the times you degrade yourself or jump to their commands to get that tip, to earn a little more, to fund that party you want to hit up this weekend. To buy this dress. To get those shoes. To cover your rent because you blew way too much last night.
Suddenly you realise you’re in a lifestyle you don’t want, you find it hard to maintain real relationships because most guys don’t have any interest in a girl that’s so ‘easy’ despite the fact you’ve not actually had sex in close to a year. That people don’t value you as much because something half the population give away for love or passion alone you give away for some cold hard cash. Despite the fact it’s all through a screen you’re essentially a prostitute lite, worse than a call girl, and no better than a whore on the corner.
The worst of it though? Other women who wouldn’t dream of doing this, for whatever reason they want to throw out, call you a hero. A champion of feminism! Taking control of your body, your life, and being who you want to be. Not giving a fuck about men and just using them like the animals they are!
They don’t consider the effect it can have on your mental state being bombarded by every level of sexual perversion available. By having men label you, demand you dance to their wallet, and sate their lust.
You ever seen a camgirl break down? It’s not pretty but it’s easy to find because people always tend to be recording. Is your show that good? Well it could end up on pronhub or another massive site, it could end up circulating your class because you should never underestimate just how much pron young teenage guys can consume. Even if you take steps to hide it unless you’re really buying into the idea it’s empowering it’ll be something you’ve got to carry around with you for quite some time.
It was infrequent that I was recognised, but some people did, and for the most part it was just an awkward phase where I then had to find somewhere else to work. Now and again though some men would think it’s leverage to be exploited, to use against me, and to try and coerce me. Never stupid enough to message me but with the scary confrontations after a shift or after class which may seem friendly enough from a glance but have you utterly terrified down to the soles of your shoes. Sometimes they’ll find out some more information about you, through something in the background, through something you say…by some tiny clue. Then they’ll find out more and more til they message friends, family, and let them know your little secret.
Money isn’t everything, you only have one life, and I feel that I’m constantly going to have this looming over my life. I don’t doubt that someone here is going to tell me ‘It’ll be fine, don’t worry, no one can judge you but yourself’ but at the end of the day unless you go through this or worse yourself you’ve just got no idea.