I turned 30 a few months ago, and first started viewing porn around the age of 10-11. I’ve been into less vanilla themes for many years, I’m desensitized to the point that even quite hardcore porn will tend to bore me, but I’ve developed quite a severe addiction to “financial domination” or “findom” over the past 3 years, though have only really considered it a significant issue in the last 12 months.
I think weed has a lot to do with why the addiction got so out of control, because I got into the habit of indulging the findom fetish whenever I got stoned in 2015 and 2016 (which wasn’t that frequent, maybe once a week on average), and things leave a much more lasting impression on my mind when I’m high whether it be music or video games or in this case, being humiliated and treated like shit by extremely hot women while paying them for the “privilege”. I haven’t been getting high at all lately which should at least make it easier to avoid falling into the trap, as I experience significant anxiety when stoned and PMO is usually the number one thing to take my mind off of said anxiety and allow me to feel good.
It’s probably something that only a minority can relate to, the “need” for humiliation and degradation and verbal abuse. One of the common terms for someone with this fetish is a “paypig” and the term itself (or any variation of it) is one of the things that is most arousing to me. The feeling of being dehumanized and talked down to by women who have no attraction towards me but will happily take my money, gets me off like nothing else.
I think the root of the fetish is more based in generalized humiliation, without necessarily having the financial element, but I’ve learned that if I indulge in anything in the humiliation arena, it will inevitably lead me back to findom.
I rarely watch actual porn but have went on a cam site many times in the last couple of years, searching for keywords like “findom” or “pig” or “Goddess” or “loser” etc. Years ago, being referred to as “piggy” by a woman would inexplicably be extremely arousing to me, but in the last 12 or so months I’ve come to prefer to be simply called “pig” because it sounds colder and more contemptuous, which I think is a bad sign about how the addiction has developed and my “need” to be emotionally abused has grown stronger.
I’ve also used an online phone sex site where there are countless women who specialize in this fetish, and I would call those women who have specifically mentioned “pigs” and “piggies” and findom, and I’d masturbate while oinking into the phone, never communicating with actual speech. The thought of how disgusted they must be and how lowly this would make me in their eyes was what would turn me on most of all.
If I ever watch regular porn nowadays, I would only do it to fantasize about the girl comparing me to the “real man” she’s having sex with, and saying things like “I’d never have sex with a loser like you” etc. I’ve even found porn videos of certain cam girls I’ve chatted to, watched them have sex with a man while being degraded by them at the same time which needless to say was like hitting the humiliation jackpot at the time, of course it’s always followed by feelings of regret and shame and frustration.
The fact it’s a complete waste of money is roughly half the issue, I’m far from rich or well off even, so it’s far from ideal to be throwing money away for the sake of the dopamine rush that findom gives me, but my biggest issue with it is the impact it has on my mental health and self-image. A few weeks ago, I ordered a pig mask online, and “used” it a handful of times before throwing it out, it mildly enhanced the feeling of humiliation and dehumanization that the whole fetish gives me, but it also left me with an even more disgusted-in-myself feeling afterwards, so it was disposed of which I guess felt almost cathartic in a way.
I had tried to specifically quit the findom/paypig fetish many times in the past 6 or so months, sometimes I’d stay away from the cam sites for up to maybe 3 weeks while still finding other similarly unhealthy outlets for all that shame…
I think part of why I’m so into the fetish is due to having been overweight since early adolescence, I got fatter and fatter between 2011 and early 2016, but about 11 months ago I radically changed my eating habits (went from consuming heaps of junk food/soft drinks etc to none) and have stuck with that and lost almost 90lbs so far in the process, still have another 44lbs to go. I weigh less than I have in about 10 years, and I exercise (walk my dog and use treadmill pretty frequently) more now too and am much healthier and fitter in general, but I still can’t break away from the paypig thing which I think is definitely tied to deep-seated shame about my weight. Maybe the constant “passive” or “indirect” rejection I experienced with girls growing up has a lot to do with it, throughout adolescence I just didn’t even try to talk to girls because the thought that any of them would be interested in me was unfathomable, so my past experiences with girls/women have a lot to do with why I’m so fucked up now I believe.
I was also very close to a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder last year after knowing her since early 2015, I loved her so much as a platonic friend but also fell in love with her and she didn’t feel the same way so I tried to just be friends with her and shut out my feelings for months, while my life turned to absolute shit in the process and I hit rock bottom and mostly suffered in silence. She used me for money repeatedly during that time and shamed me in subtle indirect ways and was basically emotionally/psychologically abusive. I told her I needed some time to myself about 5 months ago and she didn’t respond kindly so I changed my phone number and had to cut her out of my life forever, but while I was close with her, the urge for the findom thing was especially strong perhaps because being in that dysfunctional “friendship” with those unhealthy dynamics stirred up a lot of that inner shame and I felt like it needed an outlet, though now I see that I need to stop cold turkey and abstain permanently if I’m ever going to be free of it.
My lack of confidence around women has always held me back a lot from ever pursuing them, I look back at times where girls would show interest in me 10+ years ago and my mind would just “disqualify” the thought that they wanted to have sex with me as though it were not even worth consideration.
I was molested by more than one person during childhood which is something I’ve only been remembering (and it’s very hazy) in the last 6 or so months. None of those experiences were that “severe” in my head but I think they unconsciously affected me more than I was aware up till recently. When recalling the most notable incident which happened when I was probably about 11, I managed to remember that my thought process as an 11 year old boy who had just been molested out of nowhere by a family friend (who was only a few years older than me, which for me makes it a bit less upsetting as I don’t think it was planned at all) at a public swimming pool was to tell myself to forget that it ever happened immediately after it did, which I managed to do for a long time.
I had never had sex with a woman till a few weeks before my 30th birthday last year. I’d looked into escorts online and got in touch with one girl who stood out to me, she was gorgeous and also a very nice/decent person. The experience was definitely a positive one, but I did feel quite “numb” and feel like it should have been quite a bit more exciting than it was, because I was lying there with one of the hottest women I’ve ever seen in my life, and it was nice, but my fucked up self would have been infinitely more turned on if she had just come over and verbally abused me and acted bitchy towards me then taken my money, rather than have sex with me. She had no idea about any of these perversions of mine, so I was just like any guy in her mind and she treated me with total respect and kindness at all times, but I think my mind at the time was too warped to really get the full benefit of an experience like that.