I was adopted at the age of about a year because my mother was unfit to take care of me due to psychological and financial reasons. The family I was adopted into started normal but turned sour quickly when my dad started touching me when I turned 4. This was a slippery slope to a long line of sexual abuse until he finally decided to make money off of it. He let his friends join in, and they would even video tape what they did to me.
My mother was emotionally and mentally abusive towards myself and my adoptive brother, whom of which they got a year after they adopted me.
Did he sell you to a lot of men?
I won’t say it was a lot because it wasn’t like I was dragged to some big chamber with other girls like how some of these trafficking stories can go. Mine was on a smaller scale, often happened at home while mom was at work since he often worked night shifts. No idea where he met these men and he never even told me names.
Did you think this was normal for other kids?
Yes and no. I thought all families were like mine until we would go on field trips and I watched our families interacted and that was when I started lying to fit in.
Did anyone ever approach you about you possibly being abused, teacher, relative, neighbor?
No. People just assumed I was weird. I wasn’t. I just didn’t know how to act with normal people because I wasn’t around normal people.
How long did you have to put up with it?
It happened from ages 5-7.
Isnt the adoption process in most places super lengthy and expensive? What kind of adoption was it that they allowed you into a house like that?
It started normal. From the outside my family looks normal and my grandfather was well known by the local community and so people assumed we were okay.
When was the moment you finally knew that something was wrong in the way that your ‘parents’ treated you?
8th grade when my grandfather passed away of melanoma cancer my dad had since left and my mom got worse. We were screaming every day and I’ve even been kicked in my side by her. But what hit the hardest was when I tried to end my life and came home and the first and only thing she said to me was and I quote, “if you ever make me go through that again the outcome for you at home will not be pleasant” ever since that day I shut off my emotions and I just waited until I was old enough to leave.
How did you get out?
I moved in with my boyfriend a year ago when my best friend at the time bailed on the day I was suppose to move in with her. If it wasn’t for him, I’d still be there.
Have you ever reported the abuse or attempted to get justice for what was done to you?
No. He always threatened me when I would ask him if this was normal way to show love. My mother kept me pretty sheltered so my life was school, church, and home. I was scared and didn’t want to end up hurt even more so I kept quiet. Years later he left our lives. A few years after that he commuted suicide. My family know now, but honestly I feel like my mother and others in my family knew. They pick on my uncle currently for pedo like behavior so I know they talked about my dad. They just didn’t care enough to step in.
All of it, all of the shit he put me through yea it was shitty but I’m stronger now because of it while he only tore himself down. He is now dead with no opportunity to fix what he did. I am alive and I have opportunity to turn my shit show of a life around. That is the perfect justice to me.
What are your dad’s friends (the ones who were involved in the abuse) doing now? Would u not consider pressing charges on them or anything?
To be perfectly honest with you I don’t even remember their names. And my dads suicide was justice enough for me.
Ever consider compiling evidence against your other family members for some revenge?
At first, yes. This was because when I would talk about it, I would silenced because I “had no right to talk about it” As far as no justice, his suicide suits finely. For someone to commit suicide that means they feel nothing but sorrow, guilt, pain, and every possible negative emotion all at once. Knowing he felt that pain, it makes it a little easier. I have no remorse for his death, and as far as my family I have since left that family behind and live with my boyfriend of a year. His family has shown me nothing but kindness and love.
Is your brother good to you?
My brother is very odd and doesn’t respond well to social interactions. He is a little worse than me I’ll be honest. He was also known to look at brother sister porn as well as son and mother porn.
Was he sexually abused by your father or his friends?
Not to my knowledge.
How is your mental health now?
I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Major depressive disorder. PTSD. ADHD. I don’t know how to speak up for myself in person I’m very quiet about my emotions I don’t know how to communicate
Have you had therapy?
I still haven’t dove into the topic of my rape specifically with any of my counselors. I got treatment for everything, but I shoved it away for many many years until last year when I left and I was in a way forced to look at it all now that I was truly free. It broke me. I felt emotions I hadn’t felt since 8th grade and it even threw me into derealization at one point, but now I’m learning to accept it and move on so I can better my life for the future. That’s all I can afford to focus on.
How did you learn how to cope with all this yourself?
For years I had no idea I actually avoided the problem. I’m learning how to cope with it now, and it’s slowly getting easier. I’m still not entirely sure but I’m treating it much like I am all my other issues; I acknowledge the pain is there and that I feel it, but I let it go and force myself to keep going
Have you ever reached out to your biological mother or other family?
I was waiting for this question. My biological mother had antisocial personality disorder. Borderline personality disorder. Depression. And anxiety. I never got to meet her because she passed away in a freak accident. I am in contact with my biological grandmother though, and I know I’m a lot like my mother physically and morally.
What are you doing these days?
I work as a certified nursing assistant temporarily. I just moved out of my moms house a year ago and I’m finally on my own. I want to go into streaming, but I lack a lot of the confidence to pursue it.
How did you meet your partner and how long within the relationship have you shared your past?
Ironically tinder. Neither of us thought our first date went all that great but we’re a year deep now and honestly I don’t regret it. My past relationships werent very successful as sex was often wanted and quite frankly I was too scared to just give it to them so they cheated or just flat out left. I had a guy who I knew since pre k and he begged me for years to be my boyfriend. When I did he didn’t last four months before he cheated on me with a girl we met at our church.
Are there any warning signs I should keep an eye out for that something like this might be happening?
If you see a child is acting oddly. They’re distant, timid, often bullied paired with this since these kids are trying to find a way to fit into social norms when they have no idea they are so far from it. Follow your gut. If you feel a child is off, it never ever hurts to pull them aside and provide a safe space. It may take a few tries, but looking back I wish someone noticed and nagged me until I finally broke and answered.
What can anyone outside your family have done to help you? What can we do to help children in a similar position?
Listen to kids and if you feel something is off, talk to that child privately and let them know it’s okay to tell them. Looking back, I didn’t reach out but I definitely acted like something was off. I was often found in my own little world, often playing with toy horses or becoming timid when confrontation of any kind happened. I was quiet, reserved, and no one said a word. I was just weird and off. Everyone knew something was wrong with me but no one cared enough to ask me why.