1. Sometimes I remember just how lonely I am, how deprived of physical or emotional intimacy I am, and it just leaves me with a cold, numb, empty feeling that radiates from my core to my extremities. Sometimes I think back on a time, any time, that agirl smiled at me, or laughed at a joke, or any basic, every day, little social cue that she’s potentially a little interested, and I’m overcome with frustration bordering on rage because I couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it. When that happens I might just sort of growl/moan to myself if I’m somewhere with other people around, but if I’m alone (especially in the car)I’ll scream at the top of my lungs, either a stream of profanities or just a wordless bellow.
When I see or hear any sort of reference to sexuality or romance I just want to bash my face in against the corner of a wall somewhere. Kissing scenes in movies, couples doing couple-y things in public (seeing teenage couples is hands down the worst,nothing like knowing you’ve got less game than a sixteen year old), even just seeing a picture of a hot woman can make me feel like shit sometimes. I feel like at this point I can’t even show an interest in women, any women, like I’m incapable of it, or not allowed to. It’s like I’ve been in this fucked up situation so long that my brain has rationalized it, and I’ve concluded that I’m supposed to be alone, that I deserve it for whatever fucking reason.
Back in college sometimes when I rode the bus and it was crowded, I’d get a girl sitting next to me. Just feeling our thighs touching lightly, or our shoulders, and it would be the highlight of my day often. sometimes I’d even stay on past my stop just to keep that brief, fleeting moment of human touch going, however meaning less and unintentional it all was. The worst part about that was when I’d get a boner, and I’d feel like some kind of horrible, perverted creep, which would play back into that whole “I deserve to be alone like this) kind of mindset.
Basically, it seriously fucks with your head, and puts you in a mental state where it’s almost impossible to do anything to fix how lonely you are.
2. Especially when I go out at night and seeing young women all dressed up looking gorgeous. Because of my social anxiety and ugly face I’ve remained a dateless virgin until now.
I recently turned 30 and i can’t help but regret that I never had a gf or experienced anything like going on a date as a young person. Now my 30s will blow by quick and nothing will change and next thing you know I’ll be an old man sitting on a bench alone, still a dateless virgin loser.
3. Well, for about a week every year, I get deeply depressed about not having someone with me. But then my rational mind recovers and I realize how much worse things would be if I actually did have a girlfriend or wife.
I’m 42. I’ve been alone since the beginning. So to suddenly have a woman around at all times, who nags and shouts orders and argues over every little detail and complains……that would be like having a second mother.
I like my solitude because it allows me the freedom to think. And all that would be ripped away if I had children and other domestic responsibilities. How could I focus on the few things I enjoy, when the fruit of my loins are forever around to punish me? And why would I ever want a family around me at all times, when I’d rather finish that book I’m reading? I just don’t understand how anyone can willingly give up their freedom for a life of endless chores.
The only part that bugs me, is that I’m too ugly to attract a woman, even if I’d want to. So I feel as if I have no choice but to live exactly the way I do.
There’s a lot of social stigma related to being so ugly that no woman wants anything to do with you. But on the other hand, most people in the world seem hopelessly miserable to me, despite getting what they wanted.
Being forever alone has taught me to value not getting anything. I can pick up my bags and move to another place in less than an hour. No one comes to visit me, and nobody expects me to do things I don’t want to do, or to be in places I’d rather avoid. I come and go as I please, and that makes up for the rare bouts of loneliness I may have.
4. Depressing. You just want to sit on the couch all day getting fat and watching TV. Your purpose in life is meaningless. No one wants a tombstone that reads, “accomplished businessman”. We want “loving husband and cherished father.” If that tombstone is forever out of reach, the “accomplished businessman” tombstone is a very pitiful second place trophy. We don’t want it, at all. So we lose ambition. Without a reason to accomplish, why strive for success? Selfishness? Doesn’t THAT make for a meaningless life. “Lived only for himself” would be more appropriate on the tombstone. Perhaps we should volunteer. That might be the best option for the Forever Alone, but it’s still near to impossible to even get out of bed to use the facilities, much less get the energy to care about someone else enough to give your life meaning through altruism. The Forever Alone is pathetic. I
5. I’m just getting sick and tired of life. I feel as though my life just continues to go downhill. I’m still a kissless, handhold-less virgin, and no girl has ever given me any positive attention. I’ve gotten looks from girls that basically spell out “What a creep”, even though I’m always minding my own business.
I’ve spent the past year or so applying to loads of jobs in hopes of leaving my minimum wage retail job behind and getting an internship with a better pay. And yeah, still no luck. I’m still stuck at this shitty minimum wage job where I’m treated like crap by customers. Sure, I could change jobs and get another minimum wage job, but it would be this same shit all over again.
I’m still as introverted as ever and I hate going out into public, whether I’m at work or not. I constantly feel as though I’m being judged and criticized. If I see any cute girl, or happen to walk past one or whatever, I do my best not to make any eye contact. I know for a fact that it’s a crime for an ugly guy like me to look any girl for even a second. This is why I’m super envious of good looking guys.
Oh yeah, I’m also poor and still live with my dad who has been unemployed and on welfare for longer than I’ve been alive. Neither of us can afford to drive, and even with basic internet, living in the cheapest one bedroom apartment, etc, my bank account can still barely even handle that.
Speaking of not being able to afford a car, I’ve always had to resort to taking public transit my entire life, which I also hate. Having to be close to strangers (pandemic or not), or being on crowded buses is just awful in my opinion.
Heck, I’m even a porn/chatroom addict, and been one ever since I was 14. I basically just watch those types of videos, or roleplay online in these virtual 3D chatrooms with avatars, catering to my fetishes and everything. Then afterwards I just feel so disgusting, every single time, knowing that I actually resort to those things. I feel like such a pathetic loser.
I feel at least slightly depressed almost every single day. I’m always wishing I was handsome, that I was a better looking guy. I can’t even stand looking at myself in the mirror, or in my phone camera, or whatever. I’m always secretly comparing myself to other guys, whether it’s on the street, at work.
I’ve steadily acknowledged my FA status for the past 8 years, and I’ve been posting on and off on this sub for just over one year now. It’s basically 4 AM now, and this is my vent for the night before I go to sleep.
6. I feel very sad when i see my family pictures and i cant help but notice that i am the ugliest motherfucker in those pictures.
Everyone is posing beautifully while i am struggling even to give a good smile so that my crooked teeth arent showing (with braces,my teeth look even worse) .
I always think to myself that everyone that i know is at least average on the attractiveness scale(you get the idea) while i am not even average.
Both my parents are good looking and even my brother too. But me ? I got half the facial features of both but that doesnt mean i am more good looking .
My half face is like my dad’s and half is like my mom’s .
My whole skull is half like dad and half like mom’s.
My nose is crooked, eyes, nostrils, lips, jaw, chin, ears. All are at different levels.
I know, and its true that not all girls are after good looks, many girls want to find a good guy. But, let me be honest, i am stupid, i never know about anything i say, my iq is low, i am not funny, i am boring.
My only quality is to study. But i am not even that much good in studies that i will become something that everyone wants to become (or be successful).
I am just a failure by god. Honestly, i dont even believe in god.
Now, who will want to be with someone like me.
And also, i like taking selfies randomly just to observe them afterwards and calculate how bad i was looking that day or that moment. I dont think anyone likes me.
Just because i am a family member, everyone has to bear with me. Otherwise, other than my home, i have no worth. No one wants to talk to me.
I have read that anyone sees himself/herself in the mirror as more attractive than in real life. While i think i am very much ugly. Does that mean that i am several times more ugly than what i think?