Let’s set the record straight.
If women always tell you, “You’re a great guy but I don’t feel that spark…”
It’s because they don’t feel a sexual connection with you. And that’s most likely because you haven’t taken the right actions to facilitate that attraction.
You may be sweet and have engaging conversations. You make women laugh. You wait patiently until a girl’s comfortable with you.
That all builds rapport, trust, and comfort within a connection. But that’s rarely enough to have women desire intimacy with you.
I know this as true even without hearing your story. Easily 9 out of 10 times I’ll be right. People try to argue it’s not that cut and dry…but it is.
Some men stay in denial. They keep trying to “friend” their way into romance and never flirt, often due to the advice of their female friends.
Those guys struggle endlessly to build romantic connections.
Some women say I’m generalizing. They think that I’m ignoring individuality and preferences. They may even take it as a sexist remark.
I fully recognize and respect your uniqueness. I want other men to appreciate that, too.
But I also recognize patterns. So while maybe all you need is a kind guy who listens well for you to like him — you are in the minority.
For thousand of years women have been attracted to guys with certain qualities. They don’t respond to men who lack them. I’ve seen it thousands of times in the last 10 years.
These qualities tend to be: assertiveness, grit, sexuality, and confidence.
The majority of women select men based on these qualities. It’s hardwired into biology.
Attraction is an emotional response. Women have to FEEL the qualities that turn them on to a man.
If a guy has massive amounts of PASSIVE attractiveness like physical looks, wealth, power, or social status — that can showcase those desireable qualities in itself. Most men, though, need to demonstrate ACTIVE attractiveness to jumpstart their connections.
In the animal kingdom, almost every species has a courtship ritual in which males show their best selves to the females.
“Usually, the male starts the courtship, and the female chooses to either mate or reject the male based on his ‘performance’… Animal courtship may involve complicated dances or touching, vocalizations, or displays of beauty or fighting prowess.”
For men who struggle with romance, your first instinct shouldn’t be to tell them to keep doing what they’re doing. Why would you lead with advice that works for the minority? It’s statistically the least helpful fix and just bad advice.
You should teach what works for most situations and then adjust if they’re dealing with with special circumstances. That’s how we educate people in every other aspect of life.
So guys, if you always end up as a friend when you really want more, it’s probably because…
You pretend you want friendship and don’t show sexual interest
As I said above, it’s extremely rare to “friend” your way into romance. And despite that, men STILL try to start connections by being platonic and avoid flirting. They then expect girls to eventually realize how awesome they are.
Here’s how it usually starts…
You’re always there for her. You’re emotionally supportive and listen to her vent for hours. You’re the first to offer help when she needs it, especially when dealing with other “asshole” guys. You may even give her gifts and pay for special outings.
And throughout all this, you’re waiting for her to finally recognize your romantic potential. And you wait. And wait some more. You wait until you can’t take it anymore and/or she starts seeing someone else.
When you try to make a move and profess your feelings, she doesn’t return that interest.
So what went wrong?
She may have had interest in you initially but you never encouraged those feeling to grow. You never flirted with her to make her feel desirable or aroused. You never touched her so she felt close to you on a physical level. You never had any sexy banter or intimate discussion to get her thinking about sex..
In fact, you were so scared of embracing your own sexuality around her that she never felt any sexual feelings around YOU.
And when you make your delayed move, she realizes that you’ve been interested in her this whole time but were too scared. She knows you’ve been dishonest — women can tell when a guy secretly likes them but doesn’t do anything about it.
All of this combined proves to her that you’re not what she’s looking for in a romantic partner.
You’re always looking for signals or asking for permission
The majority of women don’t want to be the the first one to make a move on a guy.
That’s why women rarely message you first in online dating. That’s why you haven’t seen many women introduce themselves to a male stranger. And that’s why it’s so uncommon for a woman to be the first to initiate a kiss on a date.
They would rather wait for a strong man to take that initiative (usually while they provide really subtle hints to encourage him.) The only time this starts to change is with age — women over 35-40 tend to get more forward.
But if you’re always searching for some sign that a girl might be interested in you, you’ll miss out on countless opportunities. They’ll be secretly interested waiting for you to do something and when you don’t, they’ll move on.
Once you feel a connection, you have to lead with your interest. Then see how she’s responding and just your approach from there.
Check out the rest of the article at Nick Notas