She was my best friend and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, regardless of whether I was sexually attracted to her. She’s the best human being I know.
We wanted to live together, we wanted to have kids together, we wanted to wake up next to each other every morning, and we wanted to grow old together. We wanted an exclusive relationship with each other even if sexual attraction was not a driving force in that relationship. I’m not saying that marriage is necessarily the right solution for anyone. For us, it’s just what made the most sense.
How long have you been married?
Why did she marry you?
I guess she married me for the same reason I married her — we wanted to be married to each other. Kind of a boring answer, but it’s honestly that simple.
What did you do on your wedding night?
I’m sure this sounds ridiculous, but we ate popcorn and watched movies into the wee hours of the morning, and we both still remember it as being the perfect ending to one of the best days of our lives.
Do you have sex with her?
We do have sex maybe once a month, which she enjoys the usual way and which is more a curious fascination for me than an erotic experience.
How do you get it up for her?
Getting hard usually involves oral foreplay. Most straight guys like to imagine that they couldn’t possibly get hard if a guy was sucking their dick. The simple fact of the matter is that regardless of your sexual orientation, only the most stubborn (or broken) of cocks can ignore skilled fellatio, whether it’s a guy or a girl doing the sucking. You just wouldn’t know, because you’d never let a guy suck your dick in the first place.
The first year, staying hard long enough for her to climax was difficult, so I became a pro with my tongue. Now, I think my body’s just grown accustomed to the whole experience. I can usually stay hard until she’s reached her peak, and half the time I can stay on board until I orgasm myself.
Do you have sex with other men?
Had sex with other men prior to our relationship. Monogamous since we married.
What is your marriage like? Is there any physical connection between you two, or is it strictly emotional?
It’s definitely more emotional but the physical has evolved over the past six years. I accommodate her because I realize she is sexually attracted to me, so we have occasional sex. Sometimes we both climax, sometimes only she does. The first year, it was difficult for me to reach orgasm when we had sex, but it’s gradually become easier.
On that note, let me quickly point out that I don’t think I’ve somehow changed my sexual orientation, and I’m absolutely not in any way trying to advocate ANY kind of ex-gay anything whatsoever. Whoever you are, that’s who you should be. As for me, my natural attraction (i.e. the sexual attraction toward men that I have always had) is the same as it always was. I just choose not to act upon it because I’m committed to the relationship I’m already in. I am highly skeptical of the idea that you can convert yourself from gay to straight, but I do think it’s entirely possible to learn to have a sexual relationship with someone you’re not sexually attracted to, and even to grow to enjoy it.
Do you carry on sexual relationships outside of your marriage? Does she?
No. We’re monogamous with each other, though it’s infrequent, i.e. about once a month (which seems about her ideal frequency). It’s more because I know she enjoys it and I like to do things for her that she enjoys.
What about the rest of the time? Do you, for example, kiss each other in the way a heterosexual couple would a lot?
Sure we kiss. I don’t know, kissing to me is one of those things that’s more an expression of the fact that I love her, not necessarily something meant to simply convey, “I want to fuck you.”
I suspect I would still think that if I were in a relationship with a guy. Kissing (for me, at least) is more an expression of love and intimacy, not just sexual attraction.
Has a threesome ever entered your minds?
We’ve discussed it with each other and mutually decided that it’s a dynamic that neither of us wants to add to our relationship. If other people want to give it a shot, more power to them, but it’s just not for us.
Do you think you are bisexual?
The reason that I don’t feel like that label fits me personally is that it seems to imply a sexual attraction to both men and women. I am not, and have never been, sexually attracted to women.
Do people outside your marriage (like family and friends) know about your “unconventional” marriage?
My parents and siblings know about my past relationships with guys, even though I never declared myself to be gay, and they asked before I got married whether my wife (then my fiancee) knew about this. I told them that she did, and they all left it at that. I figure they must think the relationship is a little unusual, but they’ve all just accepted it and don’t ask questions about the specifics. Most likely my parents figure that I went through a “gay phase” and turned out to be straight, but it really doesn’t matter to me whether they completely understand all the details.
Have you two talked about having children?
Yes. We have a three-year old son and a seven-month old daughter. We both agreed during this past pregnancy that we didn’t want more after these two.
When your kids are old enough to understand, how and when do you plan to explain the situation to them?
We plan to tell them plainly how our relationship works when they’re old enough to learn about sex and relationships. My hope is that they would find the courage to pursue relationships in their own way, whether they’re gay, straight, or something else. They need to follow their own paths, conventional or otherwise.
Was there pressure to live a “normal” life with a wife and kids?
Somewhat. My folks would have been troubled over having an openly gay son, but I suspect they would have gotten over it eventually. As for kids, I always wanted kids. I realize that there are other ways of going about this, but it’s worked out for me just fine in my present scenario.
Do you feel you needed to get married to have the relationship you currently have? Why is that?
I’ll admit that there was part of me that used to worry, in my own immaturity while we were dating, that if I didn’t marry her, someone else would. But that wasn’t the ultimate reason behind getting married. I don’t think it would have been fair to marry her JUST so I could keep my best friend.
So to answer your question, I don’t think that marriage was some necessary ingredient to keep our relationship from failing, but I would say that marriage has caused our relationship to become what it is.
I would also caution anyone in a similar scenario that I think this arrangement could have been a phenomenal disaster if we hadn’t been completely honest with each other about the way we each felt, or if we had been trying to convert me into being straight.
What if you met a man and developed a similar bond?
Couldn’t you have found a similar bond with a man
I just don’t see it happening. I have guy friends, both gay and straight, and they’re great friends, but I don’t have the bond with any of them that I have with my wife. Some of these male friends are quite attractive, but I simply wouldn’t consider having a sexual relationship with any of them because I’m already in a committed relationship.
Are you religious? How does that interact with your sexuality?
I would consider myself spiritual but haven’t really found a religion that I completely identify with. I believe in God, but I also believe that mankind has generally tried to project itself upon God to the point that God has become more of a convenient excuse for how one man wants to mistreat another.
As for how it affects my/our sexuality… If there is indeed a God who, by whatever means, has created mankind, God understands perhaps better than I do exactly what I am, and why I am the way that I am. I recognize that I find myself sexually attracted to other men, but also that the person with whom I fell in love so deeply happens to be a woman.
So regardless of what anyone else might insist that God says, I do my best to be true to who I am, and I figure that in so doing, the God who made me is perfectly capable of reconciling the details.
Are you happy with your choice to be committed to only her?
Yes, I’m happy with my choice and wouldn’t do a single thing differently if I had it to do all over again. I’m speaking for her here, but I’m confident in saying that she feels the same way I do.