I’ve seen doctors of various fields and have been diagnosed with Psychopathy with Malignant Narcissistic tenancies and a general catch-all of ASPD.
Day to day life is…tiring? People expect you to react or behave a certain way to different things, and when you don’t it makes them uncomfortable. I don’t give a shit if you’re uncomfortable, but people have a way of making your life more complicated when they are. They try to dig. Why doesn’t that make you excited, or scared, or sad? Dig dig dig.
I was in 3rd grade the first time my parents sent me to see a psychologist. It was boring. We talked about my family, and why I was mean to people, and why why why were my parents sending me to see her. I did get some excellent advice however. People worry about you when you don’t behave like they think you should. It makes you stick out in a way that maybe they can’t quite pin down right away, but gives them a strange off sensation.
I was told to “let my emotions out, so that everyone can see you’re just like them”. Ha. I’ll remember her saying that for the rest of life. But it was good advice in a different way. I just had to make people think I was just like them. So I started pretending I was just like everyone else.
Do you know how hard it is to fake smile? I mean really well? It’s not easy to get the muscles in your face to do the same things on each side, and to make your eyes do that thing that makes it look like they “light up”. It’s all in the cheeks, and a slight squint. I’ve spent hours and hours watching my face in a mirror to get these things correct. It’s tiring. But at least when people see what they expect to see, they don’t keep digging. It’s easier in the long run to just imitate what you see from previous situations and apply it to yourself in the current situation.
Day to day I’m extremely good at my job. It’s what people would consider stressful, I pretty much only interact with customers on their worst days, when shit hits the fan and they believe it’s my company’s fault. All their anger and emotions and demands just roll right off. I’m complimented on my ability to always be so calm in these types of situations, but really it’s just another day. Even after the fact once my job is finished and I leave the customers will tell my boss that I was very kind and polite.
I can pretend to be friends with pretty much anyone, and tend to “get along well” with everybody. The trick is remembering little things about their lives mentioned in passing. Bring it up again later and ask about it. It makes them feel like you care about them.
Sex is sex. It feels nice, but there’s nothing beyond the physical. Tinder and the like have really made this easier.
I tend to think a lot more before speaking than other people do, and I think that comes back to having to constantly be thinking about how I’m supposed to be thinking.
Definitely the media portrayal of psychopaths is overblown. Just because I could murder someone and not feel anything about it doesn’t mean I have a backyard full of dead bodies or something. Ask yourself right now, if you could kill someone because something they did made you upset, or greatly inconvenienced your life in some way and 100% get away with it, would you? I would. Anger is something I do very, very well. I’m just equally adept and not showing it. But murder is an extreme last resort. Even I recognize how extreme killing another human would be.
The longer I’ve been alive, the more fake and bullshit every seems to be. I’m not entirely convinced that everyone is normal and not psychopaths, and empathy is just this social construct everyone tricks themselves into abiding by. From my perspective all of you are the strange ones. What the fuck does it matter to me if Cindy from accounting had a miscarriage? Why do all of you have to feel pain for her? I recognize that she’s in pain, yes, but why would I feel it too? Why would I want that?
Long term relationships are extremely difficult. Even professional ones. I had a roommate once for about 6 years. He had some inklings that I wasn’t quite normal around year 4 or 5, but hadn’t figured it out yet. Eventually all the little slips added up and he confronted me about it, so I told him the truth. I came home from work the next day and he had moved all his stuff out and left. So I just ordered a pizza and went online to find a 1-bedroom and here I am now. It’s actually a lot nicer, I’m not sure why I didn’t get my own place earlier. Been here for 4 years now.
I hate any occasion where I might receive gifts. Gratitude for a gift is just one of those I’ve never been good at.
I don’t have pets or plants or any of that stuff, but I like to work on my car. It’s more of a habit than a hobby.
I cannot tolerate stupid people. If I could strangle the life from all of them I would.
Overall I’d say that life is pretty average. Nothing particularly surprising I would think.