1. My daughter died 5 years ago today and a part of me is glad about that
Makes me sound horrible. I know. I would never say this out loud to anyone ever.
Though I said daughter, she wasn’t technically my daughter. She was my sister’s child. My sister OD’ed when the baby was around a year old. I was 19 at that time and in college.
I got custody. I never wanted children. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to go a different path than the path my family took. But I felt responsible to take her in. So, I dropped out. Took care of her. Loved her. Life was hard but we got by. I was working any jobs I could get and I didn’t have any life. I didn’t have any friends. I didn’t have any time to date. I was either working or at home taking care of her. At times, I felt like I didn’t even have time to breathe.
6 years passed. One day, her school bus was in an accident. 3 children died that day including my daughter.
I was devastated at first. Depressed. Lost. I was even homeless for a little while. I didn’t have any family. I didn’t have any friends. All I had was haunted memories in that city. So, I moved to a different city to get a fresh start. Reapplied for college. Graduated. Currently, I am in year one of medical school. I got married a few months back.
I feel like finally I am living the life that I wanted to live. Achieving what I wanted to achieve. Take a different path. Do something different. Live a better life than my alcoholic father, runaway mother and drug addicted sister.
I loved her. I would have taken care of her like my child if she had lived. I know that. But there is a part of me that is glad that she is gone. It makes me a horrible person. I already know that.
But, still I am glad.
2. I can’t stand my wife
I’ve come to the realization that I just flat out do not like my wife anymore. It isn’t a rough patch or something that I will work through. She is simply a person that I do not enjoy being around. She is a complete Karen who will literally demand a manager for every perceived sleight and it is fucking embarrassing as hell. She is constantly bragging and laughing about all the people she has argued with and blocked on various platforms like Facebook and Nextdoor. She never shuts the fuck up but never has anything or importance or relevance to say. Everything that she does is just nails on a chalkboard to me. But I couldn’t imagine only spending half the amount of time with my kids, there is absolutely no way I could live with that. So I will just keep going pretending that I love her and am some devoted husband so I can try and set a good example for my kids and spend as much time with them as possible.
3. I hate my brain damaged sister..
Around a year ago, my older sister (27), widowed mother of 2 boys (8) and (5) decided to, against every single warning made, get drunk as shit and wreck her car into a rock embankment outside of our town. She was life flighted to a ICU, spent weeks in a coma and awoke in vegetative state. In the past year, she has SLOWLY began to see some progress.
Because of this accident, I was forced to quit my job, leave my friends, move across the country and back in with my parents, to help take care of her and raise my nephews. I love them dearly, but I have never wanted to have kids, especially not forced upon me like this.
She had the mind of a child now, argues about silly things, can’t cook for herself, cries over everything, can’t read, memory loss, partially paralyzed on her right side, has aphasia, and a LIST of other problems with me as her caregiver. She tell me how happy she is to be alive after such a bad car accident. I want to scream that I wish she would have died. Her boys are a wreck after losing their dad recently and now having a fucked up mom. My parents are spending all of their retirement savings for her treatments. I can see the years getting shaved off my dad and mom from the stress.
I don’t treat her any differently, I still tell her stories and laugh with her and do my best, but I hate the way I feel when I look at her. Did you even think about your boys when you got in your car? She is smiling and completely ignorant to the pain she has caused to my entire family. So I guess that’s it. That’s my confession. I have a deep dark hatred and resentment for someone I love. And I will never let her know.
4 The woman I married is not the woman I have loved the most.
I have been with my wife for 14 years. She is an amazing spouse, partner, and mother. She is a great woman and I’m happy with the beautiful family we’ve made. That being said, my one true love is a woman I was with right before I met my wife.
This woman and I dated for 3 years. She changed my life with her love. She introduced me to so much. When we were together everything was electric. I could listen to her talk for hours and just enthralled by her.
She was the only person I trusted enough to poor my heart out to. Even my wife I can’t do this with. She was my perfect match. Compatible in every way. No one has made me laugh like her, made me feel pure unadulterated happiness as her, and I have never been with a lover that I have felt as physically and emotionally connected as her. If there are soulmates, she was mine.
In the short time we were together we planned out our lives,together forever. Unfortunately, she needed to leave the country. Her parents were in an accident killing her father and leaving her mother in need of care. I was serving military commitment fresh out of college and I couldn’t go with her. We tried to make it work but when it became clear we wouldn’t be together for another 3 years. She became more withdrawn after the accident and resented me for not being able to be with her. I could feel the separation was slowly destroying us, so I set her free. It broke me but it seemed like the best thing for both of us.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget our time together. As much as I love my wife, I know the love between us is not as real as me and my ex’s love. I married my wife out of convenience and I grew to love her.
A few years back I got into contact with my ex again. She is married too with kids but she has also never forgotten and is still in love with me and wishes things could’ve been different. We talk sometimes nothing is ever inappropriate, I of course would choose my wife and family over her any time but if I saw her in person again, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be worried something inappropriate might happen.
5. I am responsible for the deaths of several people
Around 4 years ago, I was a vendor on the darknet. It was a relatively shortlived thing, I was just doing it because I was too lazy to get a job and at the time didn’t want to settle for the 9-to-5 thing. I wanted to start my own business, and use the drug money as a start up. I had been using myself for years, along with that I met lots of people into the dealing scene, and eventually started dealing myself. I have a lot of anxiety though, so I hated meeting up with people in parking lots and I definitely didn’t want anyone to know where I lived.
That’s when I read about the Silk Road, and Ross Ulbricht being caught. Got obsessed with the idea of it, got obsessed with learning OPSEC, all with the goal of eventually using my connections to start up my store.
Well, after a couple of months I did. I started my store with 3 drugs: ketamine, meth, and some outdoor weed my buddy was getting for super cheap. All was going good for a few months, had a couple thousand get stolen in an exit scam, but I had about $25,000 saved at that point so it didn’t ruin my life like a few vendors I knew of. Eventually, I met a local connect that came into town only once a week, but had fucking ANYTHING I wanted. Mescaline, LSD, mushrooms, PCP, even… and… fentanyl. At the time, people weren’t REALLY cutting heroin with fentanyl. I mean, I’m sure people did plenty, but it was not nearly as commonplace now. People just… did fentanyl. And still do.
I put all my addresses into an excel spreadsheet along with their name, zip code, order, along with the amount. At the time, I was selling some super white powdered mescaline. The fentanyl was also a white powder. Very similar consistency. Long story short, my Excel fucked up, or I fucked up, and about 7 peoples mescaline orders were filled in as fentanyl orders.
They all went out, I didn’t notice and kept doing my thing for a few days. After about 5 days, someone contacted me and told me their friend died from my mescaline. I immediately called bullshit, and went to check my order log and scale up how much I had of my mescaline left. Well, I had about 11 grams more than I should have. I still don’t know how the fuck it could have happened. I wasn’t a user, but I was definitely high off dabs.
I went to check my order log on the market to see if anyone had finalized on their purchase, and a couple of them were.. but none from a specific day. Including the person that messaged me. No one that had purchased mescaline that day had finalized their orders. The market I was on also had a feature to see the users last activity, and none of them had logged in in at least 3 days. Most 2 days.
I immediately deactivated my vendor account. I didn’t even need confirmation, I knew what happened. I knew I just killed several people. I sold the rest of my drugs, converted my bitcoin to cash, and moved the fuck away. Didn’t speak to anyone for weeks. Found a job in a restaurant, living in a city I always wanted to. I haven’t touched drugs since that day. I haven’t had anything to do with that life since then.
I still think about them. Every night. I saved their names and Googled them a few days later. I was able to find info on 4 customers that definitely died. One customer shared it with a friend. They both died. I don’t know why I’m even posting this, mainly because I have no one to tell, and even if I did, I don’t think I could. I spend my days sober. Clocking into work. Clocking out of work. Coming home. Playing video games. I’m a complete recluse. People I used to know have distanced themselves immensely, and I know it’s because I’m a shell of my former self. I can’t help it. Could I even tell a therapist about this? I don’t feel like I deserve to be alive. Am I really living anyway? I don’t even know anymore. Maybe this will help me feel better.
6. I’m a pastor who doesn’t believe in God
Here I sit on another Sunday morning. I love the people I minister to. I believe that there are some really good principles in the Bible (and some really awful ones!) so I feel ok about the message of love and hope that I get to deliver. I push back against the hate and homophobia and judgmental nature of so much Contemporary American Christianity. But I don’t believe the underlying myth, and I have to pretend that I do.
Overall, I believe I’m doing more good than harm, but there’s a dishonesty at the center of it that I have to try to ignore.
7. I wish I had aborted my 6 year old Down syndrome son
It was this time 7 years ago I got the diagnosis while pregnant. It was this time 7 years ago I had 2 choices, to abort or to continue my pregnancy and I chose to continue my pregnancy. It was the worst mistake I made. He’s non verbal still. Going to work was my saving grace but with this virus I remember why I hate the life I’m living. I listened to all those bullsh** people in the Down syndrome group about how great life is with our kids. I wish I could turn the clock back around , ignore those people, and terminated.
For now i am trapped. And no one understands