1. Sometimes I remember just how lonely I am, how deprived of physical or emotional intimacy I am, and it just leaves me with a cold, numb, empty feeling that radiates from my core to my extremities.
Sometimes I think back on a time, any time, that a girl smiled at me, or laughed at a joke, or any basic, every day, little social cue that she’s potentially a little interested, and I’m overcome with frustration bordering on rage because I couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it.
When that happens I might just sort of growl/moan to myself if I’m somewhere with other people around, but if I’m alone (especially in the car)I’ll scream at the top of my lungs, either a stream of profanities or just a wordless bellow.
When I see or hear any sort of reference to sexuality or romance I just want to bash my face in against the corner of a wall somewhere. Kissing scenes in movies, couples doing couple-y things in public (seeing teenage couples is hands down the worst,nothing like knowing you’ve got less game than a sixteen year old), even just seeing a picture of a hot woman can make me feel like shit sometimes.
I feel like at this point I can’t even show an interest in women, any women, like I’m incapable of it, or not allowed to. It’s like I’ve been in this fucked up situation so long that my brain has rationalized it, and I’ve concluded that I’m supposed to be alone, that I deserve it for whatever fucking reason.
Back in college sometimes when I rode the bus and it was crowded, I’d get a girl sitting next to me. Just feeling our thighs touching lightly, or our shoulders, and it would be the highlight of my day often. sometimes I’d even stay on past my stop just to keep that brief, fleeting moment of human touch going, however meaning less and unintentional it all was. The worst part about that was when I’d get a boner, and I’d feel like some kind of horrible, perverted creep, which would play back into that whole “I deserve to be alone like this) kind of mindset.
Basically, it seriously fucks with your head, and puts you in a mental state where it’s almost impossible to do anything to fix how lonely you are.
2. It’s a source of more or less constant misery in my life. No matter what I do, what I succeed at, what I achieve etc. that albatross is going to be around my neck forever – I’m unwanted, undesirable, not good enough for the rest of the human species.
I try my best to not let it affect my life, vent my frustrations strictly online and try to live every day of my life to the fullest, but I can’t say it doesn’t sap my motivation to do things. I have this lazy loser streak in me, so the desire to just let myself go and become a stupid boring slob gets strong at times.
I’m currently in therapy to learn to deal with those feelings more effectively. I’m allowing the possibility that doing so may finally lead me to experience sex and love, but I’m not holding my breath. I know I’m pretty much bottom of the barrel when it comes to attractiveness and, logically, can’t think of a reason for a woman to choose me – anything I can give, a better looking man can give too.
The worst part of being FA for me is the future. I’m still only creeping up on 30 and have managed to stay healthy so far, but I won’t be this way forever. I’m scared of dying slowly and painfully with no one to even help me. I’m scared also of becoming completely isolated when everyone I know is married and has a busy family life. I’m scared of eventually spiraling into a depression so strong and so bad that I will kill myself.
3. Soul destroying. Humans are social animals, so we need intimate contact and sufficient social interaction in order to be happy and functional. Being deprived of it is horrendous. It’s almost like physical pain. I mean, it isn’t but it feels close to it. It is crushing, excruciating, inescapable and utterly all consuming.
The most intimate thing I have ever experienced is platonic hugging with a female friend of mine (I’m male), and that is almost like a drug to me. The odd thing is that it isn’t a sexual thing – I’m not aroused or turned on that much when we do it. I mean, I am a bit as I am a heterosexual male, but what I mostly get out of it is just intimacy with another human – something I’m very deprived of. Just holding her, feeling her skin, her warmth, her hair, the sound of her breathing, even her smell. It’s just so nice to have intimate contact with someone who cares about me, even if its non sexual. Because that’s why I’m depressed. I’m not too bothered with never having been kissed; its being unwanted, worthless, unloved and utterly, truly alone that kills me inside every second of every day.
4. I’ll be 39 in a few months. I’m really struggling with finding reasons to keep trying or stay around. I wish I could adequately describe in proper detail just how bad the pain and hopelessness is and the events that lead to it, but it would be several pages. I’ll try to sum it up as short as possible
Live in the middle of nowhere with my mother, zero career opportunities, this is a very isolated, rural, and depressing place
Have not had a job in almost ten years now
Zero social life, zero friends either online or in real life
Still a virgin and zero dating opportunities for the reasons above, and my lack of culture-fit with this state, basically here if you aren’t native and didn’t find your life partner in high school, lots of luck finding anyone. If you’re an otaku, better hide your power level.
I think the worst part of all of it is, twelve years ago, I got out of this miserable place, moved 3000 miles to the west coast, and finally, for the first time in my entire life, had a small taste of what romantic and social success are actually like. I really wish I had never had that experience, because it showed me just exactly what it is I’ve been missing for my entire existence, and what I will never experience again.
I lost all of that from a very devastating, improbable series of events and bullying in my social and romantic life which culminated in me getting fired from my job and having to drop out of grad school to move back here due to no longer having an income and being severely depressed from the fallout.
When I was younger, people still cared about me, but now, I am considered by every part of society (familial, social, romantic, professional) as irrelevant, unredeemable and a lost cause who should do everyone a favor and stay out of sight. I find it heartbreaking how fast one’s value to society depreciates as they age, the only way to offset that is to keep a social network and most importantly, a significant other.
5. I’m 39 gonna be 40 in the coming year and all I had was a single month relationship throughout my life. At first I felt that I was a cripple trying to run without legs when it comes to attracting girls. I had plenty of female friends yet being friend zoned was a certainty. They all told me I was handsome but of course hearing that and yet not being handsome enough for them told me in my head that was just a pity story for them. I held no apathy towards them..I just accepted that it,s just nature’s way of selection of attraction and I was not meant for selection.
Years later it turned into a hatred…a growing seed of emptyness where I had a dim view on not just women but the whole game of dating and it gave me a perspective seeing from afar hanging with friends. Seeing how superficial pick ups were, how girls would go out with the “jerk” so to speak. How a single word or gesture in the first seconds of your life will determine if she likes you or not. In the end I felt being judged every second when I was being sincere. My openness towed caring for another was threatened by the very girls that I wanted to share with. Agian..I felt the laws of natural selection playing it’s game.
Later in the years it came to experience..or the lack of. I was already being generalized as some sort of creep or loser the second I told them i am a virgin in my late twenties. I guess one night it hit me…i didn’t want to be hateful for the rest of my life.
I was able to see my lack of skill of talking to girls was creeping into a depression or more accurately I felt I was going through a withdrawal of a addictive drug but without the benefits.
I guess I wanted to turn my single status and turned into a weapon against my hatred and unhealthy obsession for finding love that I have seen cripple others in the same situation as me.
I wanted revenge and live a positive life and free of the addiction that made me feel so lonely the last decades.
Looking back I felt I have gone through an emotional battle accepting the truth. I am not part of the natural selection process..love is blind ..so it will never find me.
I felt I let go a poisonous part of my life…i feel free..I do get a little stab in my heart ..a little bit of emotion crawls out and tries to lie to me that I still have a chance of findinging someone…then I remind myself of all the superficial bullshit people who never been in my situation..and here their rose colored fairy tales of how easy it is.
Those ignorant empty words give me strength ..no a challenge to stay single. Because there are more of me who are in the same situation..and we are growing.
Intimacy is the most foreign concept to me…except knowing that it has no logic to it as all emotions do. It can inspire and also destroy…love dwaldles on both good and evil taking no true accountability but only taking credit for the successes and leaves the room when someone fails at it. The risks are great..that is no mystery to me. We all take risks..for me I feel I’m taking a bigger risk…but I know the reward of self sustained emotional positive life is a absolution rather throwing for heart to a girl who is fickle with her emotions. (Men of course are are capable of this as well.).
When my years of absence of another become more then the years ahead a question grew inside me…but I guess it was always there….”Why is love such a big deal?”. Love is just an emotion..a perk so to speak but not a right..like driving….just because you deserve love does not mean love will come to you and even if you work hard at it it’s not a absolution. If it was Every single person on earth will be paired up and that is a fairy tale believed only by the true naïve.
Love is not for everyone..cause not everyone finds it. Because I did not find it should I suffer further looking for it? Should I listen to people who never been in my situation who have the audacity to force false hope upon me? Thats one way to stay single forever.