What was so bad in your life that got you to the point of jumping?
It was a number of things! I’ve struggled with debilitating pain since I was 13 and depression, anxiety, and complex PTSD since I was 15 so that’s what the suicidal ideation was but two weeks before my psychiatrist at the time doubled my antidepressants (very bad idea) which threw me into a manic episode. I ended up dropping my savings on tattoos and then jumping off the bridge in a week.
Was there any particular reason why you chose the Golden Gate bridge?
I chose the Golden Gate Bridge first because of how effective I perceived it to be. The second reason is because my family wouldn’t have to deal with my body, I assumed only the Coast Guard would (also not true) don’t do it guys.
Did you hesitate or just go for the jump?
I didn’t hesitate I was afraid someone was going to notice me.
How long did it take to hit the water?
Seconds
What was going through your mind during the fall?
I didn’t really have any fully formed thoughts. I was feeling a lot.
How did you land in the water?
The wind turned me in the air so I landed slanted primarily on my left ankle which is why the most severe damage was to my ankle and the least severe was to my back.
What happened when you hit the water?
It’s like hitting cement. Pain was pretty much all I felt. I dissociated pretty heavily until I arrived at the hospital (and went into surgery immediately) but at no point did I lose consciousness.
When was the moment you realized “oh fuck I lived”
When I hit the water for sure. I processed the pain and then thought fuck I don’t want to drown.
You must be a fantastic swimmer
Hahaha once your body hits the water though there’s no way to move at all. I did it during the middle of the day with the intention to die on impact so when I didn’t a boat just ended up picking me up.
How did the boat come across you in the water? How did they get you on the boat?
They saw me when I fell because they were nearby. I’m pretty sure they threw something and then grabbed me but I don’t remember very well. I was dissociating a lot and my memory is spotty.
Do you know how long it took from when you jumped until the boat picked you up?
I didn’t have much of a conception of time so I couldn’t say for sure but not very long. I was treading water in the bay while bleeding with broken bones so it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes
What are the odds, you are so lucky, how far did you fall and did you get injured?
Yeah there’s like a 2% survival rate? The fall is 200 some odd feet. I shattered my ankle. Tore my perineum (requiring a colostomy bag and surgery though not as much as the ankle) and got compression fractures in my back.
I can’t imagine the pain
I couldn’t either. It was like nothing you could even grasp. Though the bone infection I got from my first ankle surgery was worse than impact I think
I read an article by someone else who survived the same jump. He said the moment he jumped he regretted the decision. Did you feel the same way?
No. I felt immediate relief. That was likely one of the reasons I survived because my body was very relaxed upon impact.
(Related: 12 People Who Survived Suicide Reveal Their Last Thoughts Before Attempting To Take Their Own Lives)
Could you explain the feeling of falling 200 feet? What could you compare it to?
The actual sensation of falling is pretty much like you’d expect. Like the out of control feeling when you trip but you can’t catch yourself but all you can see around you is water coming closer.
Did you realize at any point that all of your problems were fixable?
It was more of a gradual thing. I had really severe pain before my attempt and that wasn’t going away soon so I knew my shit wasn’t that flexible but I knew I needed to learn to cope because I couldn’t do that to my family again.
Who would you have missed the most?
I would have missed my family, the earth, and my future the most.
How did your friends and loved ones react?
With compassion and love and grief.
How are you doing today?
A lot better. Still struggling with my mental health but my medication is stable so now so am I.
Do you regret jumping?
That’s kind of a hard one. I try not to regret anything that made me who I am today. I think it was probably necessary for my path to recovery. I do however regret the trauma it caused my loved ones and the fucking medical bills.
Do you have a any long term injury from the fall?
I will never be able to walk normally. My left ankle has been fused after like ten fucking surgeries. I had a colostomy bag for five months but thankfully that’s been reversed. I broke my back too so there’s been pain and I’m not sure how longterm that is. Every person I know who has attempted said their body was just so dramatically aged in the process and that was my experience is.
Do you think, knowing what you know now, that you’d ever let your metal health get to that point again or would you reach out?
At this place in my life I have the tools (therapy, meds, a good support system) to reach out when things get bad before I get unsafe. I have a hard time with the word “let” because I feel like there’s the implication that it’s within someone’s control? Or implied fault somehow? I’m responsible for my actions (as we all are) but mental illness is a hard situation. I’m not in control of how bad it gets I can only control how I respond to it if that makes sense.
If you had died on that day, what have you experienced since then that you would have missed out on?
Honestly after this I put so much time and energy into recovery and I have gotten so far. I have started going to school for nursing and am in a beautiful housing situation with my best friend. I ended falling in love with myself and the world again as corny as it sounds. My insights are meditation is really important and therapy should be accessible and available to all.