1.“I’m not sure why I’m writing this. I went online to look up information on suicide: statistics, methods and all that stuff. I was raised in a family where I went to church every Sunday and was taught the importance of faith and God in our lives. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t help me. I got hurt… bad… when I was a child. I was hurt in a way that no person, no little child should be hurt. I think about suicide on a daily basis… sometimes it’s all that I can think about. I’ve been hospitalized for attempts before. I’ve been put on medications to help the depression… the mental disorders that doctors are so quick to diagnose. I’m sick of it all. Why should I bother trying anymore? I’m not even afraid of dying. I’m not afraid of pain. I just want to leave this world. Please pray for me. I’m tired of trying.”
2. “I have no family and no friends, very little food, no viable job and very poor future prospects. I have therefore decided that there is no further point in continuing my life. It is my intention to drive to a secluded area, near my home, feed the car exhaust into the car, take some sleeping pills and use the remaining gas in the car to end my life.”
3. “Dear Mom, I love you with all my heart. I just wasn’t meant for this world! I hope I can find a place of peace and happiness, a place I am child enough to live, yet man enough to survive. I love you! I hope you can truly believe me. Maybe on my journey I’ll find Jesus. Pray for me mom. Pray I will find happiness. I hurt so bad inside! I want it all to go away. I want a new beginning. I am not afraid to die mom. I’m just so afraid of tomorrow!
To all my friends and loved ones, I ask of you one last favor: don’t let my spirit die. Remember me for the laughs and the good times, the thrills we all had together. I hope I made a place in all your hearts and touched each and every one of you in a special way. I have chosen to die, but I haven’t chosen to be forgotten. I must find a new world, a world of peace and happiness. I want you all to know I am not afraid to die, only to quit living. I’ll miss you.”
4. “I have a feeling I shall go mad. I cannot go on longer in these terrible times. I shan’t recover this time. I hear voices and cannot concentrate on my work. I have fought against it but cannot fight any longer.”
5. “I’m trying to watch TV but I don’t know what I’m watching. It’s so lonely here. I want to sleep but it just won’t come. I’m so tired of hurting and being a lone. I keep thinking about the pills in the cabinet but I’m scared. My head hurts so much from crying but if I take anything for it I’m scared I won’t stop and I would want to stop.”
6. “I’m so cold, please do something. I can’t stand this empty feeling that I’m having. My head is horrible. Stop the pounding it hurts so much. I have no control over anything in my life. I’m breaking into pieces. Somebody do something.”
7. “What is a few short years to live in hell. That is all I get around here. No more I will pay the bills. No more I will drive the car. No more I will wash, iron & mend any clothes. No more I will have to eat the leftover articles that was cooked the day before. This is no way to live. Either is it any way to die. Her grub I can not eat. At night I can not sleep. I married the wrong nag-nag-nag and I lost my life.”
8. “The time has come for me to move on. I don’t come to this decision lightly, however, but now that I’m older, I’ve finally realized that there’s a world of difference between living happily ever after and just living ever after. I may seem strong. But I’m not I’m just like anyone else. We can feel pain. We can die. And I won’t be the one to destroy anyone else’s hopes and dreams. Never again.
9. “I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier ’til this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.”
10. ‘I am one of the woman in Aleppo who will soon be raped in just moments..there are no more weapons or men that can stand between us and the animals who are about to come called the “country’s army”. ‘I don’t want anything from you..I don’t even want your supplication…as I am still able to speak I think my supplication is going to be more truthful than what you say! ‘I am committing suicide..and I don’t care if you say I am in Hell-Fire! ‘I am committing suicide because i did not remain firm in my deceased father’s home for all these years because his heart burned when he saw all those who left Aleppo.. ‘I am committing suicide not due to no reason but because I do not want several members of the Assad Regime to savor raping me while just yesterday they were afraid to say the word “Aleppo”. ‘I am committing suicide because the Day of Resurrection has taken place in Aleppo and I don’t think Hell-Fire will be worse than this.. ‘I am committing suicide and I know all of you will unite on my entering of Hell-Fire and that will be the only thing that you will unite upon: the suicide of a woman. Not your mother or sister or wife…but a woman you are not concerned about. ‘I will conclude by saying that your fatwa (verdicts) have become meaningless to me so save it for yourself and your family. ‘I am committing suicide.’
11. No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun — for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your (old) age. Relax — This won’t hurt”
12. “I am depressed . . . without phone . . . money for rent . . . money for child support . . . money for debts . . . money!!! … I am haunted by the vivid memories of killings and corpses and anger and pain … of starving or wounded children, of trigger-happy madmen, often police, of killer executioners…! have gone to join Ken if I am that lucky.”
13. “To die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.” – Nietzche –
If you are reading this then it must be a rap. I refuse to live a parasitic life, relying on taxes and the generosity of friends for food and shelter, while never being able to give back. I always used to say “You gotta know when the gig is up.” I had a good run. I experienced more in my short life than 5 avg. men combined.
To: Christy, my one: I truly love you and planned on being with you forever. I know that I had many flaws and that I wasn’t the best BF at times. When I left you in May it didn’t take me long to realize my mistake. I loved you more than freedom. When we re-united I was 100% dedicated. I know you felt it. I guess it was too little, too late though because something seemed different about you. It drove me crazy, but I knew that you still loved me because you kept telling me to get you the ring. Looking back on it, I guess you wanted security before you “put all of your eggs in one basket” again. That night I was so excited to see you. Finding what I found that night was devastating to me, more than you will ever know. Not just the unfaithfulness, but the way U cared for him and protected him. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish that you weren’t hurt that night, I hope you know that. If I could do it all over again I’d just have laid down and let him beat me up. Maybe you still loved me enough to stop him and make him leave. Maybe I could have just laid on our bed and cried and you’d have held me. Maybe you still loved me enough to end that fling and re-commit to me. I’ll never know. I forgive you, please forgive me, I love you. In hard times know that I am there to lean on.
Ryan: I love you brother, long live the circle. Keep alpha male shit alive.
Zsanett: You were a wonderful wife and stronger than you know. I was always proud of you, Szeretlek.
Michael, Shannah, Melissa: I love you all so much. Sorry I wasn’t a better brother. Don’t let the Koppenhaver name die Mike. It’s all you.
Papa: You were the best grandfather a guy could ask for, I love you. Sorry to let you down.
Nyba, R1, Kendall, 9MM, Wade, Doodoo, Julio, Heather, Trae, JD, Baret, Herman, Pav, Duza, Vitelli, Sua, Matt, D, J.R., Daniel, Fritz: My great friends, oh how I love you all. May my strength be with you.
Amanda: Thank you for your love and support. It meant the world to me. I hope you find your Tristan. I will watch over you.
Oh man, writing all of this has me crying like a lil’ bitch! I still don’t understand how I got into this mess, I don’t know why this had to happen. My life was going so well. I know that I made mistakes in the past but I had corrected that and was living life correctly. It is one thing to catch a case when you set out to commit a crime, but catching a case when you have nothing but good intentions in your heart is just so hard to accept. The severity of the charges makes it that much worse. They wanna charge me with battery and DV? Fine, do it, but don’t railroad me with B.S. fantasy charges like rape! Attempted murder! Kidnapping! And burglary! It’s fucking ridiculous. And it’s making it impossible for justice. I’m a good person with a huge heart and everyone who knows me knows that, especially Christy. I don’t know what has happened to her but I’m not gonna watch the woman I love go on the stand and tell painful lies about me. I don’t know if her scumbag agent is making her do this for $/publicity, or if the D.A. is just pressuring her/scaring her, or what. Anyway, thank you to all who have supported me over the years. I appreciate you all, sorry if I’ve let you down. I hope you choose to remember me for my times of strength and not for this. Society has killed men. I was never meant to live in this era anyway. Follow your dreams and think for yourselves.
“Verily, often laugh at the weaklings who think themselves good because they have no claws.”
14. To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven’t felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we’re back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn’t affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can’t fool you, any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I’m having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I’ve tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it’s not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they’re gone. I’m too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I’ve had a much better appreciation for all the people I’ve known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can’t get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There’s good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don’t you just enjoy it? I don’t know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can’t stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I’ve become.
I have it good, very good, and I’m grateful, but since the age of seven, I’ve become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I’m too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don’t have the passion anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.
Frances and Courtney, I’ll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!