1. The sad reality is that I identify more with Elliot Rodger than I do any regular, well-adjusted man, and that scares me profusely.
Time and time again, people pass me by and achieve more than I do. My lack of social skills and lack of knowledge on how to handle various situations absolutely holds me back. I work hard and constantly try to help, but clearly that doesn’t work. Social skills and knowing how to talk to people is the ultimate currency. My apartment complex is dicking me around, threatening me with fines if I don’t comply and clear all my shelves and cabinets of dishes and cookware.
They were supposed to be here at noon and have yet to show up. Things are all over my bed. I am too scared to set boundaries with my roommate or tell him that I am no longer interested in living with him, due to his own volatility and subtle degradation of my competence and character.
Yes, I am seeing a therapist regularly. I recently joined a men’s group to help me work through this. Yes, I am being a victim right now, a whiny bitch. I am aware of this. Nobody in my daily life wants to hear this. I’ve pushed all my friends away. I have failed.
I spent too much time playing video games in my youth and entertained disgusting perversions and proclivities.
I really shouldn’t even post this. I didn’t make a burner. What if someone who knows me sees this? I’m better at writing than I am speaking. I can’t begin to express how I feel to people without the written word. Plus, knowing my luck, something like this could even get me in trouble.
Even this… this was a ramble. This was not at all coherent. My anger is at its boiling point right now. I’m in a meeting barely holding it together. Lack of control further hurts my chances at promotions and recognition.
I’m not a bad guy. I don’t sell drugs. I don’t hurt people (intentionally). I’ve always tried to be a nice person. Maybe if I had gone to therapy earlier… things would be different.
2. Am I allowed to like women? My desire and want to be with women make me feel disgusting.
Like who would even want to be with me? I imagine myself holding and hugging a girl, dating her, kissing her, meeting her parents and friends, and I just feel grossed out?
Like who would be excited for that? I just really don’t want to impose my horribly disgusting and broken self on a poor girl.
3. I hate my life so much. I know for a fact I’m more hard-working than my peers and friends from high school. Most of them go to school for bullshit degrees, but they live their lives to the fullest, enjoying themselves with their girlfriends and their parties. Meanwhile, I go to an academically challenging school, where I’m constantly academically stressed, constantly emotionally abused by my parents, and all alone. Of course all these guys I’m referring to come from white families and probably have good relationships with them, are more attractive than me, and are taller. It’s comical, really. The rich get richer, and the happy get happier.
4. I hate myself. I literally cannot name a single thing I like about myself and the only reason I’m able to even be a semi functional human being anymore is my crippling marijuana addiction keeps me from being a completely depressed wreck that never leaves bed. I’ve come to terms with this and don’t even try talking to women anymore because nobody wants a worthless fuckup like me.
The problem is: I don’t see any possible end or way I could ever love myself again. A decade of therapy at multiple locations did barely anything to help, and my Dad’s gaslighting has lead to permanent trauma that keeps me from having a single productive session with a therapist anymore. I can’t find tell them anything because I get anxiety and just find ways to waste time until the clock hits an hour.
I have a shit ton of roommates and there’s no spot in the house where I won’t be heard, so phone therapy is out of the question, and I don’t have the money to afford the few text therapy services they are. I’m have no friends to confide in any of this with, they’re all tired of it. Even my own mother is sick of it and doesn’t want to listen anymore. I feel alone. I can talk to anybody about this. Nobody wants to listen to my worthless annoying ass.
I’ve almost completely given up on loving myself in any sort of way. It’s inconceivable and alien to me for me to have anything more than unwaivering hatred for myself. Every time I entertain the thought of loving myself, every shitty thing I’ve ever said or done and every time I’ve ever annoyed or pissed someone off (which, being a fucking piece of shit like me, is a whole lot) plays over and over again in my head and I can’t possibly imagine how garbage like that deserves to be loved by anybody, much less himself.
5. I turning 18 soon and I feel life is upside down. I’ve been a chronic pornography addict since 11 and my hair has started thinning because of it. I’ve tried to quit countless times but failed every time. No one in my family knows.
I’m extremely anxious and get easily aggravated by the smallest things. I’ve been overweight my entire life and although I was able to 30 pounds within lock down, I’m still super insecure and I’m just ashamed of existing.
I’ve stumbled upon various youtube videos about women and it warped my perception of things. My depression has gotten worse because of it and it has come to the point where I feel pain in my left ear whenever I have depressing day-dreams. I feel suicidal from time to time and have conversations with myself on why no one would care if I went through with it since I’ve been a ghost my entire life. I don’t any bad experiences with women nor any hate. I hate myself and feel completely hopeless.
6. I’m a dude in his twenties, European, fairly average: average height, average body (a bit round, but I’m losing weight), not a pretty guy but not ugly either (just… decent); successful at university, I go to the gym, I have a decent job but still live with my parents.I’d say I received a good education – I don’t know everything, but I know a lot and I always try to learn more about anything I can learn about; I speak four languages with good proficiency, I can be funny (my humour goes from nonsense to dark, and it seems to work on people) but I can be a serious person when need be; I have a nice car and I’m a decent driver, I dress fine but nothing fancy or expensive; I don’t smoke, drink socially, know nothing about sports, I rarely listen to music but I enjoy a lot of genres. I’m a nerd, in the negative way, and people in the past weren’t afraid to tell it to my face.
I have very few friends and I’m having trouble finding new ones. I can get close with people fast, but I just don’t get to know any new people as of late, and it’s even worse with girls. I’m often too shy to approach them, unless I’ve got a really good excuse. Result: I’m a virgin. I’ve got as far as holding hands, and that was ten years ago. That was my best achievement. Then, nothing. Absolutely nothing after that.
I rarely go out, except for work or to get to the gym, or the very few times I convince my very few friends to have dinner together or something.
It’s not that I want to stay alone – quite the opposite. But what’s the point of going out if I’m going to be out alone? I feel the need to have someone to love, but I just can’t find anyone who’d waste time with someone like me – nor can I find any reason why someone would do so. I don’t think I’m worth it. I think of girls my age as some completed work, while I’m more akin to the building that’s constantly covered in scaffoldings and tape, the one they’ve started building but nobody ever bothered to finish. Even if someone were to love me, they’d move over by the time we’re done picking up the pieces, let alone putting them back together.
I tried meeting new people through Tinder and other similar apps, but they’re probably not too popular in my area. I managed a few matches, but either they never reply to me or they block/unmatch after a few messages. I tried asking out my girl friends or classmates from university, but I always get the same answers: either they’re not interested in me, or they can’t spare the time, or they just don’t reply at all (depending on whether I ask them personally or via message, of course. I tried both). I tried asking the engaged ones if they had any single friends – even just for friendships – but apparently I’m the only one looking for a partner.
The worst thing is that over the years a few girls told me they used to like me. They never told me when it was the case, only later, after they had found someone. It looks I’m always too late to all the parties.
There, that’s me. A broken shell with nothing inside, no ideas, no plans, just pain. I tried, and it just didn’t work. I don’t want to give up on my life, but I don’t really see a reason not to either.