1. Every time you see another engagement announcement, another set of wedding photos, another anniversary post it fucking kills. It kills knowing you’ll never have that.
I want to be happy for people, but it honestly just makes me suicidal. Everyone just wants to be loved, wanted and needed. It’s inate. People don’t understand the deep, relentless pain that comes with being alone, being unloved and unwanted.
It’s so hard. Like, I feel it in the depths of my being. It makes me feel sick. I’m just so sick of being alone. I don’t know if I can withstand any more of this.
2. Tonight a guy I had been texting asked me for a favor and said he needed help. He wanted to use my phone number to obtain a Tinder code and have me relay to him because his wasn’t working. I felt heartbroken and cried because I thought he liked me, or at least was interested in getting to know me. To find out he is going on Tinder tells me all I need to know. He called me honey and sweetheart and seemed so nice and kindhearted. I really wanted to get to know him. It hurt my heart that he used me. I didn’t know him that well but I was at least hopeful he had some interest.
It seems like all the men I try to get to know in my age range (29) only talk about sex, their male organs, hooking up, and getting a fast fix. No one wants something real or genuine anymore. No one wants to find a marriage partner. It’s just all about sex, hot babes and the latest hook-up.
It is too much heartache than what it is worth. Time and time again I find myself getting my heart broken over guys who just don’t give. They only take. Maybe it is a good thing I can’t find a boyfriend. It would just hurt even more so deeply it would destroy me if when he cheats. I love too much. And that is the problem.
When I am 60 and single and people ask me why I never got married, I will tell them it was not me. It was them.
I am letting the desire for a husband and family hemorrhage from my soul. I cannot bear to carry around this broken heart anymore. The best thing to do is stop desiring these things because they will never come for me.
3. Generally speaking: you see it in a lot of male complaints about women. Complaints like women can get any guy they want, women have male orbiters, women can start an onlyfans and get rich, men always go out of their way to help women , women can’t truly be forever alone or involuntarily celibate, etc. However literally all these complaints apply to attractive, or at the very least, average women. There’s no man who goes out of his way to help or befriend an ugly woman.
More personally speaking: In the past when I make posts venting about my ugliness, I get DMs from men that go like “haha, you’re probably beautiful, you can get any guy you want” and other bullshit. However these same men then turn around and become annoyed at me after I send them a picture of my face, as if I was leading them on, when I was fully upfront about my ugliness.
4. I have a very kind patient and he’s the same age as me. He saw me coming to work and stood for a minute holding the door open. I started blushing and thanked him. Ran to the break room cuz I couldn’t stop smiling all the time and had butterflies. I felt like a stupid teenager. I still have a ray of hope, no matter how hard I try to accept the fact that I’ll be FA forever. I hate myself for that.
5. I am in my early 40s, and I am just beginning to age and quickly. Just how old I looked hit me yesterday when a customer at work commented on how I was an older person serving them.
I then looked in the mirror and at my recent picture. I am getting wrinkles, gray hair, saggy skin, cellulite, huge bags under my eyes, poor posture…even my eyes look beady like an old person’s and I got stress lines and fat deposits on my face that have not been there before. My hair is damaged from hair dye too and it is a nasty color that I can’t do much with that makes me look older.
And I never got enjoy my youth. I never got to enjoy it in a relationship. I never wore nice, sexy clothes and I have had the body to look good in them (was over weight for a bit though). I didn’t go out and find freinds. I spent it alone, self isolating before it was even a thing with COVID. My whole life has been like quarantine. I didn’t even know we were in quarantine. It didn’t matter.
I am too old to even find a nice wedding dress that is youthful.
I feel aweful.
6. Laughing through the pain but it still hurts.
On Friday I took myself on a date and went to a museum then afterwards headed to a bar.
Once I got there, there wasn’t a lot a of people just bartender, a guy sitting two chairs away from me on my right, and two pretty girls three chairs away from me on left.
Anyway I was there for about five minutes sipping my drink and the guy moved to talk the pretty girls 😞 completely ignoring me.
They weren’t quiet either, he introduced himself, and began flirting with them.
I was just so awkward but deep down I laughed. I finally put my myself out there and of course I would get ignored.
I knew I wasn’t making it up in my head when I tell people that men ignore me. The gaslighting I get from everyone telling me just put myself out there and men will talk to me, when I know it’s not true.
Ugly women do not get male attention. Bad or good.
I paid for my drink and left.
I found a used bookstore when I was walking around though ☺️ a little happiness.