Flattery used for manipulation.
It’s not just flattery: aka being kind and sweet and excessively loving to an individual, because you like them. And it’s not just being romantic.
People can try to use flattery or big gifts and have it not be received well, but that’s not the same as love-bombing.
Love-bombing is when excessive flattery/kind gestures are used as a tool to make a negative thing seem ‘justified’ or ‘not that big a deal’.
For instance, if someone was excessively doting and sweet and caring, giving you treats and compliments and so on for 2 weeks… and then you find out that they cheated on you 2 weeks ago, then their past behavior was probably love-bombing: trying to make you see them in a positive light, so you’d be more lenient or forgive other bad behavior.
It can also done when the person plans to be cruel in the future, so they use flattery to butter you up ahead of time with kindness, so you will trust them more and won’t be on-guard for the turnabout, AND so you will ‘owe’ them your gratitude and mercy/forgiveness.
A common example of love-bombing is “Huge romantic gestures early in a relationship, as a way to ‘lock in’ the other person so they feel like they can’t leave, because they feel they ‘owe’ you.’ <— It’s the same mentality as taking someone on a date at a very expensive restaurant, and then feeling like they owe you sex, because you paid this huge amount to take them out.
In love-bombing, instead of a straight ‘I paid money so you should owe me’ – it’s ‘I did these huge time-consuming and thoughtful gestures, so you should owe me.’
How do you differentiate between love-bombing and genuine care?
Usually love bombing appears very fast, and if you’re not comfortable with receiving something so soon just watching how the giver reacts can let you know if they’ll respond to slow things down or ignore you. Genuine care is mostly about respecting your feelings, and being comfortable to discuss things without walking on eggshells.
If you have a close friend or family member you get along with. A good relationship will remind of what’s it like having trust worthy friends.
What is an example of love bombing?
I (19f) went out with a (33m) a few days ago. He just moved to Hawaii and so did I and we hit it off. I ended up sleeping over his and in the morning wanted to go home to change and everything since we planned some activities for the day but instead he buys me a bunch of clothes from the mall which is super sweet. We hang out and he says he’s never felt this way about anyone before and he wants to spend life together. We go car shopping for him and then again go to the mall where he buys me shoes, a skateboard, and more clothes. The next day we hang out at the beach and all of a sudden he grabs a flower and proposes to me. I just laugh but he says “I won’t get up until you say yes and promise me” so I just said yes thinking it’s a joke but then he takes me to a jewelry shop and had me pick out and engagement ring and proposes to me again. He tells me to quit my job and end my lease and that we’ll buy an apartment together. He talks about getting a dog and having our honeymoon in Bali and having kids. He has a really good job and works remote which is why he has all this money and free time. I don’t really know what to do because he seems super nice but also gives off the vibe that if I try and leave he’ll go psycho.