Porn has ruined my life.
I’m a very real person and the reality is that I grew up a very unattractive kid. I was fat, I had very present and embarrassing man breasts (gynecomastia), I wore glasses and had a wide gap in my front teeth. I was a shy kid overall and I wasn’t good with girls due to to my many insecurities.
I didn’t grow up with a father to teach me how to interact with women. My mother worked two jobs most if my childhood so she had no time to teach me. I learned about sex from a weak school curriculum and my like-minded bonehead teenage friends. Truly the blind leading the blind.
At the age of about 17 I discovered porn in video form and that would change my life forever. I was hooked because it gave me the sexual release that I craved so desperately. But not with real girls, but with some of the hottest, perfectly altered girls I could want or dream of whenever I wanted. All I needed was an internet connection and a phone or computer and my God given hands and I could simulate having sex with a woman that looked like the hot girl I saw in the supermarket that day, only the girl online looked hotter, had a bigger ass, a tighter body, and could move her body in ways that girl in the supermarket probably couldn’t. She could get fcked better by a bigger dck and made over the top howls of pleasure I believed to be real and sincere. In my adolescent, young adult brain it was heaven on a screen. Truly dopamine overload.
From the age of 17 to the age of about 30 I looked at porn damn near everyday, or whenever I could sneak away as a working adult. I would get off often multiple times a day.
I also have a foot fetish and tickling fetish so count those videos as well and throw them into the mix. If I got tired of sex, I could transfer to watching girls showing their feet, if I got tired of that I could watch a girl get tickled and the cycle continued.
Countless times I would masterbate until my dick was sore and I had a sharp pain when I got erect. I didn’t care. I would wait a day and count the minutes until I could jerk off again. Most of the time I would search for hours for the next best video. It consumed so much of my time and I thought nothing of it. It was like my hobby, my pastime, my addiction. I collected thousands of videos over that time span and another hundreds of pictures. It was like a compulsion. I thought that I was fine and that my sexual needs were getting met. The act of release on a regular basis tricked me into thinking I was fine and had a healthy sex drive. I did not.
I feel like I would be so much more in life if I had not given so much time to searching and watching porn. I could have dedicated so much time to a more constructive hobby. One that would have helped me later on life instead of crippled me.
I’m not depressed really, not deeply or clinically anyway. But I wish I could make up for that time with the youthful exuberance I had when I was watching porn and letting life and experience with real women pass me by.