When starting a new relationship, it’s tempting to see all the ways we could improve our new partner. If only they were a little more tidy, outgoing, affectionate, or any other trait we think they “should” have, then the relationship would be just perfect. However, attempting to change someone to mold them into our imagined ideal partner is not only futile, but harmful.
People can only be who they inherently are. While we can all help bring out the best in each other, fundamental aspects of someone’s personality and behavior are unlikely to be altered, no matter how much we push. If you feel the need to dramatically change a new partner, you’re likely just incompatible.
Rather than criticizing your date’s minor flaws, focus on getting to know them for who they authentically are. Look for the wonderful qualities they already possess. Instead of dwelling on what’s “missing”, appreciate their unique strengths and quirks. A fulfilling relationship involves fully accepting someone else, not viewing them as a fixer-upper project.
Attempting to overhaul someone almost never works out well. You’ll both only end up feeling judged, frustrated and resentful. But when you choose to see your partner for who they are and not who you want them to be, that’s when real intimacy and trust can flourish.
The truth is, when it comes to relationships we attract what we expect deep down. If you believe you deserve to be with someone exactly as they are, that mindset will guide you toward a compatible match who can love you back the same way. Rather than trying to force a square peg into a round hole, look for someone who already fits into your life in a natural, effortless way.
So next time you’re tempted to view a new partner as a work-in-progress, remember that real love lies in fully embracing someone, not trying to change them. When you let go of expectations, you open up space for an authentic relationship to blossom.